


SKAM Kaisoo Season 2

by Secchar



Series: SKAM [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mixed Media, Probably verging on angsty, Slice of Life, mental health, skam au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-12-27 03:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 62
Words: 60,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secchar/pseuds/Secchar
Summary: Anxiety's a big word, and Kyungsoo might have it, but it's not that bad. Really.





	1. Clip

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to my oneshot, SKAM Kaisoo Season 1, and this "season" differs drastically from the Noorhelm season. There's a bunch of reasons with the number 1 reason being, the original relationship was toxic to the extreme. The second reason is that I don't feel like I can do Noora's rape storyline. I don't feel like I could accurately represent that. So I gave Kyungsoo anxiety in the classroom, which is something I've dealt with. I've also only ever used psychotherapy to deal with my anxiety, so Kyungsoo will be using similar methods. 
> 
> This is mostly written, so I think I can do each day's "drop", but I can't gurantee it, so the days might be a little off from time to time. 

_Saturday, March 30th, 2019_

_I feel like a failure a lot. It’s in my seminar mostly. It’s a class designed so that the only way you can participate is by talking, and I cannot talk to save my life. It didn’t used to be this bad. When I was a 1st year, I was able to talk at least once per class, and it seems terribly funny to me that I used to think I was a failure just because I could talk only once a class. Look at me now! This will be my first year where I haven’t talked once in seminar. This is true failure. And I know it’s true failure, I can’t even talk about my inability to talk in class without crying, like the fucking weakling that I am. It’s just talking. How hard can it fucking be?_

 

Kyungsoo really hates parties, but it’s so directly interwoven with the idea of being a high-schooler that he feels almost obligated to come. He feels obligated to drink this shitty beer and he feels obligated to stand at the side and be somewhat social with the rest of the people not dancing. At the very least, his obligation to turn his back on the room and flirt with Joohyun, feels only slightly contrived.

Joohyun smiles indulgently up at him. The way her eyes flick up and down tell him she finds him somewhat attractive, which means he meets the low-standards needed for a hook-up. Kyungsoo leans in closer under the guise of it being too loud. Joohyun reciprocates the action. When he smiles and opens his mouth to speak, two things happen. He feels heat and weight slide onto his back and Joohyun looks up, mouth agape.

_Not again._

When Kyungsoo feels hot breath against his ear, and a crotch shoved firmly against his ass, he doesn’t even flinch. _Changed, my ass._ He sighs heavily. There’s no way Joohyun’s going to hook-up with him now. If there were actual feelings involved, maybe she’d choose him, but in the realm of hook-ups, he doesn’t even come close to someone like Jongin.  He smiles thinly at Joohyun, who’s still staring up at Jongin.

“Do you want a drink?” They’re both holding drinks, but Kyungsoo doubts that Joohyun is paying enough attention to really consider the question. He saw Jongin when he came in: skintight jeans and a muscle tee. Joohyun isn’t thinking straight right now. She nods dumbly. He nods back and peels himself away from the body behind him.

“Aww, are you leaving already, Soo?” Jongin pouts, but Kyungsoo sees the barely repressed amusement. Kyungsoo ignores him and walks off to find Minseok.

Minseok is similarly crowded against the wall by some random 3rdyear, obviously flirting, but when he catches sight of Kyungsoo, he shoos the 3rdyear away to get him a drink. With the 3rdyear gone, Minseok smiles warmly at Kyungsoo.

“Jongin?” He asks sympathetically. It has to mean something that Minseok knows it’s Jongin. Since the party where Jongin had promised Kyungsoo that he changed, Kyungsoo has been obligated (by Minseok) to come to 5 parties, and, each and every single one of those parties resulted in Jongin stealing his hook-up.

“I just want to get laid, Min. Is that too much to ask?”

Minseok nods sympathetically, but Kyungsoo knows that he doesn’t fully get the situation. And how could he? Since breaking up with Junmyeon, Minseok’s been in hook-up heaven, which is good for him. He deserves it after that whole ordeal.

“He just wants to get a rise out of you.”

“And it’s working,” Kyungsoo replies. It shouldn’t be working, but it is. Kyungsoo just wants to make out with someone and Jongin’s getting in the way of that.

“This is going to sound terrible, but you know he only wants you for the chase. If you sleep with him, he’ll leave you alone.”

It’s true. It’s completely 100% true, but there’s two major problems with that solution. One, Baekhyun slept with Jongin, so Kyungsoo can’t. It’s a complete breach of the bro code. Two, Jongin has been a fucking pain in his ass for so long now, Kyungsoo would rather die than do anything that Jongin wants.

“I know I probably don’t have a lot of pride, but what pride I do have, cannot take a blow like that. Sleeping with Jongin is a no go. I just need someone to yell at him, activate his daddy problems, and then he’ll be their problem.”

Minseok points behind Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s surprised to see that Jongin and Joohyun are making out already. “I don’t think he’ll leave you alone because absolutely no one will do what you did. Joohyun hardly needed any encouragement.”

Kyungsoo’s not sure how reliable Joohyun is as an example. She was just about to make out with him, and Kyungsoo wasn’t trying that hard. But he thinks Minseok’s probably right. “What if I pay someone?”

“I think you should just accept your fate.”

Maybe it’s the realization that he’ll never hook up with anyone at a party again, or maybe it’s the fact that he’s been surrounded by people for 5 hours, but Kyungsoo’s done. He’s going home.

“I’m out for the night.”

Minseok pushes up off the wall. “I’ll come with you.”

  
“What about,” Kyungsoo only briefly tries to think of the guy’s name, “the kid?”

“I’m not really feeling it. Let’s go.”


	2. Week 1, Clip 1

_Sunday, March 31th, 2019_

_I have 2 things to do every day for therapy that are supposed to help manage my anxiety. I have to meditate in the morning, and then twice throughout the day I have to do heart breathing. They help. I know they do. I feel better in class and sometimes I feel I can almost think. It’s just bits and pieces of incomplete ideas, but it’s better than just sitting there blankly for an hour. I just don’t do it consistently. I haven’t done it at all this week, and it’s not because I forget. I’m just always too something to do it. Too tired, too busy, too lazy, too something. Minho says it’s easy to self-destruct. That to actually take care of ourselves takes time and effort, and that’s the hardest part about it. Logically, I get it, but emotionally, it’s just more proof that I’m a failure._

Kyungsoo wakes up at 6am every day, without fail, to sit on his couch and drink coffee while he plans his day. It’s Sunday, his errand day. He needs to get groceries and do his laundry and clean the apartment and do his homework. The grocery store with the self-checkout opens at 7, but won’t get busy until 9, so Kyungsoo will go at 8. It should only take him 45 minutes to get everything. Then he can come back, put away his groceries, and start his laundry no later than 9:30. Ms. Jung from across the hall starts hers at 9:45. Then he can clean his room while he waits to switch out the laundry. The laundry should be done by 11, and he should have it all folded by 11:30. Then he can eat a package of ramen for lunch, take his nap, and start his homework. From 1-5, Kyungsoo does his homework, and then he eats his dinner, and then plays a pick-up game at the field. It’s easily Kyungsoo’s favorite day of the week.

There’s a few texts from the guys on his phone. As a rule, the chat is most active from the hours from midnight to 4am.

**From: Baekhyun**

Guess what, bitches? Ya boi scored a set of day passes to a spa. 

**From: Jongdae**

Our “boi” is an idiot. The “spa” is a hot tub at the private gym in town.

**From: Baekhyun**

Hey, free is free.

**From: Yixing**

I’m up for anything as long as there’s bubbles.

**From: Baekhyun**

Xixi gets it. The bubbles, my dudes. Think of the bubbles. 

**From: Yixing**

When are we going?

**From: Baekhyun**

Saturday!!! The pass includes the entire gym.

**From: Minseok**

Is this a day pass or a try-it-before-you-buy-it kind of thing?

**From: Baekhyun**

Free is free.

 

Kyungsoo smiles at the exchange. The pool might be fun. He’ll talk to them about it on Monday. It’s not essential right now. He has 20 minutes until he should leave for the grocery store, and he’s not sure if he’s got enough in his account. Sometimes his parents forget to deposit money. It’s understandable after all. He’s just their son, which they apparently remember this month since his account is topped off. How nice of them.

It’s more habit than anything that leads him to open up his school email after he’s checked his account. None of his teachers usually send anything on the weekend, but he has one email waiting for him when he logs in. It’s from his seminar teacher, Mr. Bang.

**From: Bang, Jimin**

**CC: Lee, Hyunmin**

**To: Do, Kyungsoo**

**Subject: _English Moderator_**

 

Hello Mr. Do,

I hope this email finds you well. I was talking to Mr. Lee, and I believe we have found a new way to introduce you into talking in class. At the same time as our 4th period seminar, Mr. Lee’s 4th year English class meets. On Monday, Mr. Lee’s class will be holding a seminar on the short story  “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson. This conversation is to be held entirely in English. Instead of attending our usual seminar class, you would go to Mr. Lee’s class and ask the opening question and just moderate the seminar. That would mostly include helping students use the correct English words and helping them voice their thoughts properly.

My hope is that if you are the first to talk, this will be a gateway for talking throughout the rest of the seminar, and, hopefully, this situation will help take away some of the pressure that I know you feel in class.

Please let me know.

Jimin Bang

 

Kyungsoo feels his eyes start to water because the anxiety he can’t feel is starting to escalate. He shuts the laptop before curling into the couch and pulling the blanket that lays on the back of the couch over him. He wants to be covered as he tries to stop himself from fully breaking. Mr. Bang is trying to help him. Mr. Bang doesn’t think he’s stupid. Mr. Bang doesn’t think he’s stupid. Mr. Bang doesn’t think he’s a—

Kyungsoo jolts upright and opens his laptop again. The email is still there. He’s already crying, but he needs to reply so he can get it out of his mind.

**From: Do, Kyungsoo**

**CC: Lee, Hyunmin**

**To: Bang, Jimin**

**Subject _: RE: English Moderator_**

****

Hi Mr. Bang,

That sounds great! Thank you for giving me another avenue of participation.

Sincerely,

Kyungsoo Do

 

With the email written, he deletes the entire email chain. He’ll cry as soon as he looks at it if he keeps it in his inbox. He sniffles. He’s not stupid. He’s not stupid. Mr. Bang is trying to help.

He grabs his wallet from off the table as well as his phone. He picks his headphones up from where he left them on the floor and plugs them into his phone. The _Pororo_ theme song plays loudly. His sunglasses hang on a peg next to his front door. He puts them on even though it’s cloudy outside. He puts his hand on his heart and take a few, deep breaths. It’s not enough, but it’ll have to do.

It’s 8:05am. He needs to get to the grocery store.

****


	3. Week 1, Clip 2

_Monday, April 1st, 2019_

_Crying is frustrating in any situation, and I get that. I really get it, and I understand there’s nothing wrong with it. It happens for no reason whatsoever, well not no reason, but without warning. I just wish it didn’t. People always assume the worst when someone cries. And I hate that. I’m not sad. You don’t have to drop everything to tend to me. Just let me be. It’s not a sign of weakness, but it sure feels like it is. I cry when my teachers talk to me about my performance, and logically I know that it’s because I think I’m failing, that my teacher doesn’t think I’m a stupid, idiotic, sniveling kid. They don’t think that, but that doesn’t make the situation better.  Less frequently, but still as embarrassing, is I cry when I argue with people. I don’t like arguing, but I don’t hate it either. I just hate when people talk over me when I’m talking, because it means that they’re not listening. That they think I’m a joke who doesn’t deserve to be heard. That I have nothing important to say. That I myself am not important._

Kyungsoo feels increasingly apathetic as he walks into the senior classroom. In part, it’s because of his breakdown from yesterday, but a bigger part is the anxiety of what will happen in the classroom. The word “dissociation” has been thrown around a few times by his therapist, but that’s a scary kind of word that speaks to a deeper problem. Kyungsoo’s just a little nervous, and he’s just bracing himself in case. It’s good to look at the thing objectively. If he gets too close to it, he’ll cry, and there will be no crying in front of people he doesn’t know.

“Ah, you must be Mr. Do, I’m delighted to have you in class today. I’m Mr. Lee. During the conversation, I’ll be at my desk grading papers, but don’t worry. I’ll have one eye on the table, and if anything gets out of hand, I’ll be right over.” Mr. Lee’s a bundle of energy. He radiates cheerfulness as he talks, but he’s also wiping his hands on his khaki pants as he talks. He’s just as nervous about this as Kyungsoo is.

It only takes Kyungsoo a second to figure out what _if anything gets out of hand_ means. It means if Kyungsoo fucks this up. He’s expecting Kyungsoo to fuck up. That’s what he’s nervous about. Kyungsoo feels tears well up. Instantaneously, he stabilizes himself, and feels the tears dissipate.  He can’t let his eyes get red. He can’t cry. If he lets one tear drop, the entire dam will break and he won’t be able to stop it.

He bows. “Thank you for letting me moderate. I look forward to the conversation.”

Mr. Lee’s smile grows impossibly bigger. “Yes, yes, I do as well. Let me walk you through your duties. As Mr. Bang said you will be asking the opening question and then the students will respond in English. I’ve been told you’re fluent so I would like it if you could help them phrase their response grammatically. There will be times when they forget the word in English, so they might say it in Korean and then ask for the word. That is perfectly fine. Rather than an analytical conversation of the text, I’m more looking at their ability to have a coherent conversation in English.”

Kyungsoo nods. That makes sense. This is an English class, not a seminar. “Okay, I can do that.”

“Great, please take a seat wherever you like. I’ll talk to the class briefly, and then you may ask your question. Is that alright?”

Is there any other option for Kyungsoo other than to nod in assent? Mr. Lee looks relieved, pats him on the shoulder and then moves to talk to one of his students. Kyungsoo doesn’t think too much about where he sits down. His only requirement is that his back is to Mr. Lee. He doesn’t want to see any looks of disapproval, or worse, pity, that might be shot his way.

The desks are arranged in a box that vaguely echoes the shape of the room with nine desks being along the same wall as Mr. Lee’s desk. Kyungsoo chooses the one directly in front of it.  He pulls out his copy of “The Lottery” and his list of questions. As he looks over them, he feels the dread he felt yesterday when he was writing them. What if they’re all stupid? What if they’re just bad questions? Everyone’s going to know, and they’ll all think he’s stupid for asking them. He flips the paper over. He can’t work himself up before it happens.

He pulls out his phone and plugs in one of his headphones. He needs to see if he can get himself completely down. He feels a little prickling in his heart and static in his head. If he can just get through this class, he’ll be able to make it through the day. He tilts his head from side-to-side. He can do this.

Kyungsoo ignores the students who fill the seats around him. It’s not important. He’ll face them soon enough. They can’t be too interested in him either. He’s just a junior.

“Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo pulls out the ear bud and looks up. “What?” It’s an instinctive reaction to hearing his name. The voice doesn’t register as someone he knows until he looks up and see Jongin sitting directly in front of him with a smirk. Kyungsoo looks back down at his phone. There’s no need for him to respond.

“Did you miss me so much that you transferred into my class? You didn’t need to do that. I would’ve come if you asked.” Jongin’s voice is teasing. Kyungsoo plugs both earphones in. There’s absolutely no reason why he should have to listen to a fuckboy like Jongin. He turns up the music louder.

If Jongin tries to get his attention again, Kyungsoo doesn’t see it. He keeps his eyes firmly on his phone, mentally preparing himself for the next fifty minutes.

Mr. Lee softly taps him on the shoulder. Kyungsoo figures that’s his cue, and takes out his earbuds, carelessly wrapping them around his phone and shoving it into his backpack. Mr. Lee smiles at him before patting his shoulder in, what Kyungsoo supposes is, a comforting manner.

“Class, I would like to introduce you to our guest today. This is Do Kyungsoo, a junior in Mr. Lim’s Seminar. He spent his first two years of high school in America, and is extremely proficient in English. He will be asking the opening question today, and helping you with your English. So if you have trouble with thinking of the word, or you need help with the grammar, please ask Mr. Do. I don’t think I should have to tell you to be on your best behavior.”

Only silence should greet that statement, and only silence does. Mr. Lim smiles and claps his hands. “Great! Well please take it away, Mr. Do. I’ll be at my desk if you need me.”

There’s absolutely now way to describe the dread that creeps up his spine and sends his heart into palpitations as seventeen 18-year-olds all simultaneously turn to look at him. It’s Kyungsoo’s personal Hell. He clears his throat for one more moment of peace.

“Why do the townspeople throw stones? Why not kill her some other way?” It’s 13 words, and on each one, Kyungsoo feels like his voice is on the precipice of shaking. He stares at some point just beyond Jongin’s head. He can’t let it shake.

It’s silent. Kyungsoo knows that they’re thinking, but with each passing second, it feels like he’s asked the stupidest question, and they’re all being silent because they don’t want to let him know. Happy April Fucking Fools Day to him. He’s shown everyone just how stupid he is. Already he feels his head settle into painful, impenetrable silence.

He curls both of his hands into fists until his knuckles are white. His eyes well up with tears. He lowers his head and blinks furiously. He can’t cry. He can’t cry. Not in front of all of these people. He can’t let them know how weak he is.

“I think, at least in part, the stones allow the children to participate in the lottery well. The older people in the village put a great emphasis on tradition and community. Also as opposed to maybe shooting her, which only requires one person, the stones help create that sense of community since everyone’s throwing them.”

Jongin’s the one who’s spoken in accented English, with perfect grammar. Kyungsoo looks up at him dumbly. He can’t believe someone like Jongin would answer with a good answer too. In good English. Jongin stares back at him with something Kyungsoo is easily able to interpret as pity. Kyungsoo grits his teeth and pointedly looks away. Leave it to Jongin to see just how weak he fucking is.

“I agree with Mr. Kim. With stones, it will be a community effort to kill her and continues the tradition. But I am curious as to why they want to continue the tradition when they have forgotten the reason for it. For instance, the box that is— I’m sorry, what’s the word. It has all the pieces of wood sticking out?”

Kyungsoo drops his eyes before answering.

“Splintered.”


	4. Week 1, Clip 3

_Tuesday, April 2 nd, 2019_

_A year and a half. That’s all I have left. If I can just suffer through that, then it’ll be over. Once I get out of here, and off to college, it’ll be easier. This is situational. I won’t take seminars. I’ll be in lectures with questions asked by professors that have black and white distinctions. I won’t have to try to interpret some philosophy text or any literature. It’s all going to be different in college. A year and a half…_

“I just want to sing. Why is that so hard for Ms. Bang to understand? Singers don’t need math.” Jongdae complains as he walks along the raised wall between the courtyard and the covered patio.

“These are the exact words of someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their own failures,” Yixing shoots back. His biology textbook is laid carelessly across his lap for some last minute studying for a test he’s already overly prepared for, and yet he’s studying like he hasn't at all. 

Jongdae shrugs. It is what it is. “Integrals are the devil’s math. I’m doing better than you who stresses out over every test. Just get over it, man. You’re fine. But more importantly, we need to start rehearsing. Talent Show is in 8 weeks, and we need to win. It’ll look good to colleges, and it’s the first step on my way to being an international popstar.”

“You singly mostly ballads, man. That’s not really popstar-ish,” Baekhyun complains. “I’ll be the popstar because I’m singing the bops of the century.”

“With tears slowly streaming down their faces, my fans will propel me over and over to the top of the charts because I’m drawing on the memory of a bittersweet first love. Nothing sells better than nostalgia, baby.”

“Sex!” Yixing blurts out, and offers no more commentary on the subject before going back to the textbook.

Baekhyun clicks his tongue and shoots Yixing finger guns. “Thank you for your contribution, Xixi. Well, you heard the man, sex sells better than nostalgia, so guess who’s going to be bodyrolling his way to the top of the charts. That’s right, me.”

This conversation, said mostly in jest and with smiles on both of their faces, must play itself out. If Kyungsoo interjects to try and change the subject, he’ll be sucked into it, and asked to choose a side. No, it’s better to just lie here with his back against the wall, soaking up the sun. It’s a small effect, but he has noticed that he feels calmer if he’s spent some time in the sun. If he closes his eyes, he can almost escape from the obnoxious voices of two boys competing over who has the best body roll.

His phone vibrates.

Kyungsoo opens his eyes in annoyance and fishes his phone out of his pocket. It’s an unknown number, but it starts with a 2, which means it’s someone from Seoul.

**From: Unknown Number**

You look hot in that shirt.

Well, it’s not secret who sent that. Who else but Jongin would compliment his raggedy, blue plaid button-down from middle school? He tries to surreptitiously look around, but Jongin’s not anywhere in his eyesight, which means he’s somewhere on the second floor balcony which looks over the courtyard. Kyungsoo won’t be able to see him since it’s so bright. He tilts his head up to try and see Baekhyun, who is just a shadow in the sun, and has half a mind to ask him if he gave Jongin his number. But the other half argues that Baekhyun isn’t talking about Jongin anymore and it’d be shitty to bring him down by mentioning Jongin. Baekhyun’s only vaguely aware of Jongin’s interest in Kyungsoo, which has been a combined effort on Yixing, Minseok, and Kyungsoo’s part. Jongdae, who has known Baekhyun the longest, had stopped trying to protect Baekhyun from things like this, and thus makes no attempt to shield him from Jongin.

So Kyungsoo looks back down, and stares at the message, debating what to do. He could ignore it, but Jongin might just keep texting him. Kyungsoo’s apathetic about his phone. The entire squad has their fingerprints registered in his phone so they can open it whenever they want. Kyungsoo has nothing to hide, but Baekhyun might use it and see the messages. It really leaves only one option.

 He clicks on the name and scrolls all the way down the contact card to hit block.

“—Soo, Kyungsoo, hey, hey, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo squints up in the general direction of his name, “What?”

“The only reason that’s acceptable for you ignoring me is if you were texting some hot guy. I asked if you can rehearse tomorrow after school.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head immediately. He has therapy on Wednesdays. “Nah, but I can do Thursday or Friday.”

“We added dance rehearsals on Friday to prepare for the recital, so Thursday works best for me. I’m free on the weekend. We could do it Saturday after the pool,” Yixing adds in, highlighting the one line on the page that’s not already highlighted. He caps the marker, and closes the book. “We have 8 weeks, so I think if we can rehearse on Monday and Thursday we’ll be in good shape.”

“Cool, cool, I’ll schedule time in the practice room, it should still—”

“Hey guys, what’d I miss?” Most of the squad completely misses this greeting because they’re trying to understand why Minseok is walking with Junmyeon, his decidedly ex-boyfriend, and smiling.

Jongdae recovers first, “Uh scheduling practice rooms for the talent show.”

Minseok lights up, “Oh yeah, I’ve actually got some ideas for that,” he turns to Junmyeon. “I’ll see you tonight, yeah?”

Junmyeon nods, a blinding white smile still on his face, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you at 8.”

There is an entirely readable, awkward moment where both Minseok and Junmyeon stop themselves from kissing goodbye, which results in the world’s most awkward bro-hug. When Junmyeon finally disappears from sight, Minseok turns to the group, “So I was looking at some songs—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Kyungsoo interrupts. “What was that?”

Minseok looks back to where Junmyeon disappears and shrugs, “It was Jun.”

“Oh, we know who it was, Minnie,” Baekhyun interjects, voice slimy and soft, “but what were you doing with him?”

“We’re friends,” Minseok shrugs again, but he looks uneasy now. He knows exactly what they’re thinking.

“Is it possible to be friends with your ex?” Yixing asks. He’s easily the most open-minded of the group, but even he seems suspicious.

“You can be friends with your ex.”

“Yeah, but only after some time has passed,” Jongdae adds in. His eyes are glittering with amusement, which is fair. Kyungsoo’s not sure how many people are friends with their exes after a situation like Minseok’s, but it’s probably only a few.

“Time has passed.”

“It’s been 2 months. Most would argue that’s not enough time. I am one such person,” Baekhyun speaks in that holier-than-thou tone he likes to use when he thinks someone’s being stupid. Kyungsoo bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from snapping at him. Baekhyun doesn’t have room to talk about stupidity. 

“Yeah well, we talked about it, and we’re over it. We were friends before we started dating, and now we’re friends again. It’s fine,” Minseok’s almost sweating bullets at this point. He’s convinced no one, and it shows.

Kyungsoo’s not sure how fine Minseok really is, but it’s obvious that they’re getting nowhere. “You said you had ideas for songs?”

Minseok clutches onto the lifeline greedily. “Yeah, let me show you.”


	5. Week 1, Clip 4

_Wednesday, April 3 rd, 2019_

_I’ve been having more full breakdowns lately. I used to have 1 or 2 a year depending on how many teachers would talk to me about my performance in class. But I’m already on my 6 th one this year, and they’re not even triggered by anyone else. I’m working myself up to them, and no matter how much I try to stop myself from doing it, it still happens. Sometimes I walk around with a buzzing in my head for days, and I hate it. I know what the buzzing in my head means. It’s waiting. It’s waiting for one little thing to push it over the edge and then I’ll crumble. I’ve missed so many days at school this year because I don’t want to encounter the tipping point and then be stuck in school during a breakdown. I don’t want people to see me cry. Some will laugh, some will be concerned, but I don’t want any of that. It’s not their problem that I couldn’t keep it together. It’s my fault._

 

Minho looks at the clock. That’s Kyungsoo’s move. He wants to know how much longer he has to be here. It’s got to be soon because Minho frowns. He must want to ask a question, but doesn’t have enough time. Kyungsoo wonders if the blue-haired boy who sees Minho after him is waiting in the lobby already. God, he hopes it’s over soon. He’s tired of being here, and he knows that he’s disappointed Minho. How could he have not disappointed Minho? Minho asked how he was doing with his heart breathing and his meditation, and what could Kyungsoo say that he is indeed still not doing them.

“Why don’t you tell me more about how leading the seminar went with the senior class? You said that it was fine and you were able to talk. Why do you think that was?”

Kyungsoo shrugs even though he knows why. “I had a very defined role. I was supposed to ask the question and fix grammar. I wasn’t supposed to provide them with my own thoughts. All of the students would ask me for help on how to say something. I talked but it’s different. It’s not the same type of talking I have trouble with. It’s easy to respond when they address me directly.”

“And you didn’t get “worked up” as you like to say?” Minho writes something down. Kyungsoo can’t help staring at the legal pad. What did he write down? Was it bad? Good? What could he possibly have discerned form what Kyungsoo said?

“No,” Kyungsoo hums. That’s not true. “Only a little bit at the beginning when I asked the question and then it was silent for about 30 seconds. I worked myself up then.”

“Tell me about that.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. He’d rather not, but he made himself promise to be as honest as possible in therapy. “So I get that people need time to think and that being the first person to talk can be hard, so that’s probably why none of them talked right away. But, I guess, I thought I had asked a stupid question and they were trying to figure out a way to word it so that it wasn’t obvious that I had asked a stupid question. You know, like a way to talk around the question without answering it directly?” He wrinkles his nose as he talks. He knows how stupid he sounds.

Minho tilts his head, a small soft smile on his face. “Why are you making that expression?”

“It’s so obviously incorrect. They were just thinking and then once they had the thought, they took more time so they could translate it into English. Like there’s so many logical options for why there was silence, and I was just jumping through hoops to find a way to make it seem like I thought that they thought I was stupid.”

“You’ve shown this disdain for the disconnect between your logical and emotional sides, and there seems to be some correlation when you try to ‘logic’ yourself down, and the escalation towards a panic attack.”

Kyungsoo nods. He knows exactly what Minho means. He gets frustrated when he can’t logically appeal to his anxiety. It’s an ongoing struggle. One that he seems to perpetually be losing.

“So it seems like you notice this as well, so I want you try something this week. This technique is called noting, and whenever you find yourself distracted from your task, I want you to take notice of it. For example if your doing your homework and you realize that you’re distracted, mentally, I want you to take a step back and just note what kind of distraction it is. And by that I mean, just saying to yourself, ‘oh, this is a thought,’ or ‘oh, this is an emotion’, and that’s it. That’s all I want you to try.”

Kyungsoo’s incredulity must show on his face because Minho holds out a placating hand. “I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I want you to try it, as well as try to do your heart breathing and meditation. Try setting reminders on your phone.”

Kyungsoo nods like he always does because Minho is right. If he can just carve out time for this, it should help. He feels determined to try and do everything this week. No matter what. He’s going to do his therapy exercises.

Minho puts his legal pad to the side and stands up to open the door. “Great, so I’ll see you next week, same time, right?”

Kyungsoo just nods and trails after Minho as they walk to the lobby. He dodges around Minho when he stops and looks at the empty lobby. The blue-haired boy isn’t waiting there, and it seems like Minho’s just as surprised.

“And we went over too,” Minho mutters to himself.

The door bursts open and before it can open, the blue-haired boy, eyes wide with panic, is already spluttering apologies, “I’m sorry we’re late, Minho. I told Nini that we needed to leave earlier so we wouldn’t get caught in traffic.”

“Yeah, sorry, Minho. He’s right. I wasn’t paying attention to the time.” This is Kim Jongin speaking as he comes in after the blue-haired boy. It’s Kim Jongin. The boy who looked pityingly at Kyungsoo on Monday. The boy who treated Baekhyun like trash, and now knows that Kyungsoo goes to therapy.

Minho, if he notices how Kyungsoo’s frozen, doesn’t say anything. He bends down and holds his hand out to the blue-haired boy, “That’s okay, Tae. We just finished as well. Do you want to say goodbye to your brother before we go in?”

Tae turns around and cheerfully waves, “Bye, Nini. See you in an hour.” 

Jongin, just as thrown as seeing Kyungsoo as Kyungsoo is, distractedly waves back and replies, “Yeah, see you in an hour, Tae. I’ll be in the parking lot.”

Jolted to action by Jongin’s voice, Kyungsoo ducks his head and walks as quickly as he can past Jongin, cheeks flaming. He’s halfway down the sidewalk when he hears Jongin calling his name. He speeds up. There’s no reason for him to stop. He’s not friends with Jongin. There’s nothing to say. Jongin's nothing but trash. Who cares if Jongin knows that he’s in therapy? Who cares if Jongin knows why he’s in therapy? Minho’s the only LPCC who specializes in anxiety in children and adolescents in a 30 kilometer radius. Jongin has to have guessed. But what does it matter? It’s not a big deal that Kyungsoo’s in therapy.

Except it’s a huge deal. No one knows he’s in therapy, not even Minseok. Why should anyone know? It’s not their problem. It’s only Kyungsoo’s. Except Jongin seems to be making it his problem because his voice is louder than it was before and now Kyungsoo can hear shoes hitting the pavement. He stops walking and whirls around.

“Stop following me!”

And mercifully when Kyungsoo turns around to continue walking, Jongin listens.


	6. Week 1, Clip 5

_Thursday, April 4 th, 2019_

_I always start motivated to do the stuff that Minho says I should do, but then I get to the next day, and it’s just so easy to not do it. The heart breathing only takes 1 minute, so it’s easy to say that I can do it later. The meditation takes 20 minutes, and, again, it’s easy to push it back. It’s just so easy to push it back. Why can’t I understand the severity of my situation enough to do something? I can’t talk in class. My grade is suffering and I seem to cry constantly over it. Why do I let myself push it back? I know what Minho says about being easier to self-destruct, but come on. It’s so simple. Why am I so inept?_

 

That’s a thought! Kyungsoo thinks excitedly when he catches himself being distracted while Minseok is talking. It’s only day one, but this noting thing is super easy. It takes literally no time to catch himself being distracted and note it. It hardly takes any effort. This is much easier than anything else. But it also means that Kyungsoo’s not invested in what Minseok’s saying, which, to be fair, is kind of boring. Minseok’s just recounting his day, and Kyungsoo and Minseok share 4 of 7 classes, so Kyungsoo kind of already knows. But he cares deeply for Minseok so he should really try to listen.

“Park in math today asked Jisoo a question, out of the blue, in class today because he’s a dick like that. And Jisoo froze, man. Like it was a good 60 seconds of silence. I felt so bad for her. It was excruciating. Just say something, you know?”

Kyungsoo can only hum in agreement because he knows it’s not that easy. It’s not easy. That’s the entire fucking point.  If Kyungsoo or Jisoo could just talk, they would. Minseok doesn’t know the devastating silence of your mind when it shuts down or everyone’s eyes boring into your being. Doesn’t understand the onslaught of invasive thoughts that are the only thing to penetrate the silence. You can’t think, and so you can’t talk.

But all the same Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything to admonish Minseok because everyone talks this way. Just talk, it’s not that hard. They don’t understand, and they wouldn’t even if you did try to explain. Any type of mental disorder is swept under the rug or, even worse, belittled. Kyungsoo’s lucky to have Minho and Ryeowook. He can’t ask for more.

“Park eventually asked someone else the same question and then we moved on. Nothing monumental happened after that. Oh wait! Except Park made us start a new project and let us pick our partners. So Jun and I are together, which is nice. We know each other and he’s good at math.”

Now that it’s just them, Kyungsoo feel safe in asking his question, “How are you and Jun okay with just being friends?”

Minseok swings his legs and lets them bounce against the wall while he thinks. The wall that marks the perimeter of the courtyard isn’t the most private place, but they’re decently high up, and not popular enough to really be noticed, so Kyungsoo hopes that Minseok will answer him honestly.

“I still love Jun, you know? He’s always cared the most even when he’s been distant, and maybe, on some level, I recognize that I’m needy and unwilling to give him up. It wasn’t just because I kissed Sehun that we broke up. We had been complacent with each other. Just expected the other to be there without really trying, you know? So there were problems before Sehun, which I think you know. But it wasn’t like that in the beginning. We really tried to be the other’s most important person, and I think we both acknowledge we still have that potential. So we’re greedy, and we cling to the past, but we also trying again.  Friends is all we can manage because we have lost trust, but we haven’t lost the potential.”

Kyungsoo leans back on both of his hands as he digests the answer. He gets it, he thinks. There were problems, but also the potential to rectify that, so why not go for it? Personally, he’s not sure he could manage it, but if Minseok says he can, then Kyungsoo trusts him. Minseok had told him at the beginning of the semester that he wanted to be honest with himself, and it really does sound like he’s thought his answer through. So Kyungsoo nods because he believes him and because he’s Minseok’s best friend. Minseok was honest, and, as his friend, all Kyungsoo can do is support him in his decisions.


	7. Week 1, Clip 6

_Friday, April 5 th_ _, 2019_

_I love my friends. I really do, but sometimes it’s too much. It’s too much all at once. They drain my energy a lot. Baekhyun more than most, and Minseok hardly at all. It’s getting worse lately and it’s because I’m not sleeping and I’m stressing more often about class. Everything’s on edge. Something’s got to give._

The wind blows in through Kyungsoo’s window while he watches TV. It’s a little chilly, but not so bad that he’s willing to get up and close it. Besides, he likes the background noise. Likes hearing the cars drive by down far below, the chatter of people that gets progressively louder as it gets later, even the distant call of the sirens as they rush around the city.  It’s easier not to be stuck in his own head when the window's open.

The TV switches back to the cooking competition. Kyungsoo’s not really watching it, but it’s nice to glance between it and his phone. He flicks through Instagram, double tapping every photo he comes across. Baekhyun’s at some party across town with Jongdae, Minseok has captioned a photo of him and Junmyeon with “Movie night with the bestie :)”, which is suspicious, and Yixing’s posted a picture of him and his family out a restaurant.

While he’s contemplating if he should comment on Minseok’s post, he hears the unmistakable clattering of someone climbing down the fire escape. He’s too apathetic as he looks over at the window. One day it might actually be a robber or a murderer coming to kill him, but today, like always, it’s just Ryeowook trying to climb in his window to steal his food.

“Ah, good, you’re home. I was worried.” Ryeowook trips over the windowsill, and falls against the couch, pushing it two inches to the left. Kyungsoo hums in disapproval. The TV isn’t center now.

“There’s some pizza in the fridge if you want. I tried to make pasta earlier, but I was out of noodles.” Kyungsoo gets off the couch and bodily shoves it back into place. He points somewhere behind him. “I think there’s still some of that beer from last time if you want that too.” He lays back on the couch.

Ryeowook rummages through all of Kyungsoo’s cabinets before grabbing the tin of cookies and the last beer, and makes his way over to the couch. Kyungsoo reluctantly draws up his feet to give him room to sit.

Ryeowook cracks open his beer and takes a long slurp. Kyungsoo looks at him in disgust.

“You didn’t answer my text.”

“My phone’s on silent. What did you say?” The cook on the screen is trying to make ice cream. Kyungsoo’s seen enough of the show to know what a stupid move that is.

“Do you want to play tomorrow?”

Kyungsoo sighs heavily, reminded of the plans he made with the boys. “Can’t. Baekhyun wants us to go to this fitness club thing and sit in the Jacuzzi or something. I’m not quite sure, but he made me promise to be there. Wouldn’t let us start rehearsal until all of us promised.”

“That should be fun,” Ryeowook opens the tin and crams a cookie into his mouth. “What fitness club?”

“Uh,” Kyungsoo barely tries to make an effort to remember before scrolling through the groupchat to find the address. “Uh, Elite Fitness down on 3rd.”

Ryeowook hums and nods sagely. “Ah, yes. It’s a good place. They have the most attractive lifeguards in town. My ex cheated on me with one of them.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo hopes that that's an appropriate response.

Ryeowook shrugs. “Ah, we were going downhill fast anyway. If I’m being honest, I also would have cheated on my ex with the lifeguard. It’s important to remember, Kyungsoo, that there’s nothing more important about a guy than his dick size and whether or not he has abs.”

Kyungsoo nods, eyes still firmly on the screen. “I’ll keep it in mind.” The cook’s checking on his ice cream. It’s not coming out. He should have listened to Kyungsoo.

“How was therapy?”

“Same old, same old. How about you?”

Ryeowook shrugs. “Same old, same old. How are the boys?”

“They’re good. Minseok is hanging out with Jun, claiming that they’re just friends.”

“Oh, that’s weird.”

“Yeah, we’ll see how it plays out.”

“Speaking of play, you should bring them to one of our games.”

“None of them are into sports.” The chef presents his ice cream. The judges don’t like it. Ryewook takes a sip of his beer while there’s still a cookie in his mouth.

“They might want to support you.”

“I don’t want to bother them.”

“I don’t think that’s how they’ll see it. They’ll probably come if you ask.”

Kyungsoo hums noncommittally. He doesn’t want to bother them.


	8. Week 1, Clip 7

_Saturday, April 6 th, 2019_

_I think why I don’t like meditating or the heart breathing is because I suck at it. Both of them are all about clearing my head and not letting myself get bogged down in my thoughts. Well, the meditation is about that. The heart breathing relieves more of the anxiety prickling in my heart. Something about realigning the body and the mind. Very unsure. Minho explained it once and then I forgot. But I kind of suck at them both. I can’t clear my head enough. There’s too many thoughts. Too many thoughts constantly. I can’t even focus on breathing because I’m too busy thinking. And the heart meditation doesn’t make me feel better, and if it does, I’m convinced it’s placebo effect. And I understand that it takes practice, but is it too much to wish it worked faster?_

“How did none of us think of this?” Kyungsoo hisses. Except for Baekhyun, who’s at the desk explaining how the voucher does indeed work for 5 people, all of the squad is huddled at the railing looking through the glass wall down at the outdoor pool below. Because there, on the lifeguard chair, is one, Kim Jongin, in all his shirtless glory.

“Who would guess that he’s a lifeguard? Or a lifeguard at this specific fitness club? This is a nice place. Who would hire some 18-year-old?” Jongdae, to his credit, seems just as thrown as the rest of them, and he’s Baekhyun’s best friend.

“I’m sorry. Are we looking at the same sight? Jongin’s got a fucking six-pack. Are we really surprised a place like this, that has multiple rich housewives, would hire a kid as attractive as Jongin? Look at all the women down there right now,” Yixing hisses back. He’s right. There are multiple women lounging on the deck chairs, not even in the pool. Jongin was definitely hired to be cougar bait.

“Maybe Baekhyun didn’t know,” Minseok ventures forth tentatively, but it’s obvious that even he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. “I mean he hasn’t mentioned Jongin in weeks.”

“Because all of you try to dissuade him every time he mentions him. Jongin apologized for his behavior towards him. Do you know what thought process is going to go on in Baekhyun’s head because of that? ‘I’m the first person Jongin’s apologized to, and since I’m the first one, that must mean I’m special. AKA Jongin wants to date me.’ It’s that simple.” Jongdae’s just barely keeping his voice down.

“But it’s not that simple. I think we can all agree that Jongin only apologized to try and get in Kyungsoo’s pants. We should have told Baekhyun instead of keeping it a secret.”

“He apologized in private. That’s got to mean something,” Kyungsoo tries to object.

“It only takes a second to figure out that Baekhyun’s going to tell anyone and everyone that THE Kim Jongin apologized to him. It’s entirely possibly that he apologized for that reason.” Even Minseok seems resigned to their predicament now.

Kyungsoo can feel himself color with embarrassment. It’s entirely obvious that Jongin apologized for that reason, and he can’t believe he even thought for a second that Jongin was sincere in his apology. He’s usually better than that.  He clears his throat, and tries to shift the spotlight. 

“What do we do now?”

“We can’t go to the pool obviously, and we can’t let him know that we know why we’re here,” Yixing casts a glance back at Baekhyun, who is now waving his hands emphatically. The guy working the front desk looks, oddly enough, sad.

“Why should we continue to lie to him?” Jongdae asks, sounding incredibly tired.

“If we make it obvious we’re pushing him away from Jongin, he’ll push it in the opposite direct. He’ll claim that he’s over Jongin, and the best way to prove that is to go down to the pool and act like he’s not even there. You know that’s what he’ll do and what he wants.”

“Xixi’s right. We can’t mention Jongin at all. Look, he said he wanted a spa day, and the sauna and the Jacuzzi are on the other side of the building. We don’t even have to go to the pool,” Minseok rationalizes.

Jongdae just looks annoyed now. “And what if he wants to go to the pool?”

“We go to the inside pool, and if he says outside, we say none of us are wearing sunblock. Baekhyun’s religious about his skincare routine. He won’t argue against that,” Kyungsoo supplies. He’s worried about Baekhyun and how he still seems unhealthily obsessed with Jongin, but Kyungsoo’s more worried about the fact that Jongin knows he goes to therapy. There’s no telling what Jongin will say in front of his friends if they meet.

Jongdae holds up hands. “Fine, fine, we’ll continue the lie.”

“It’s for his own good. Shh, here he comes.”

All four of them turn their backs on the pool and try to look casual as they lean on the railing. Baekhyun’s smiling hugely. “So I got us in. We can use any of the facilities today. The only requirement is that Yixing looks like he’s in pain.”

“Life is pain,” Yixing supplies wisely. Kyungsoo resists rolling his eyes. Yixing is probably the worst at lying.

Unfazed, Bakehyun clicks his tongue and shoots Yixing a finger gun. “Right as always, Xixi. But I’m talking more physical pain. I told the guy up front you have a bone disease that’s slowly killing you, but the sauna helps you forget the pain.”

“Is that why we’re allowed in?” Jongdae asks.

“Yeah, turns out the voucher was for one person, but now it's for all of us. Do you guys want to go?”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go. Limp, Xixi.” Kyungsoo puts an arm around Yixing’s waist and pulls his hand over his shoulder. The other boys get up off the railing and start moving away from the glass wall. For once they’re all on the same page: get Baekhyun as far away from Jongin as possible.

“Start groaning, Xixi. Got to make this look believable.”

Yixing starts groaning too loudly and too passionately to be taken seriously. Kyungsoo speeds up. If they move fast, the guy at the front desk can’t stop them. Luckily, the front desk guy is stupid and just smiles sympathetically at them. Well, at least Kyungsoo has proof that it doesn’t take a lot to get hired here. “Elite” Fitness, his ass.

The sauna is down the stairs and to the left. Yixing manages to catch his knee on a corner, which improves his painful groans greatly, and demands that they go into the sauna first. Given that Yixing got hurt in the line of fire, they all agree to his demand, and it’s only when they’re heading into the locker room that Kyungsoo realizes what’s about to happen. He’s supposed to undress and be naked in a hot room with other men in only a towel. It’s a living nightmare. He’s 17. He doesn’t like his body. Yixing’s got a six pack, and all the others have flat stomachs. Kyungsoo has always had a little pooch, and it’s never bothered him until this moment. He can’t sit in the sauna. On a lesser note, he just doesn’t trust old men and their wandering eyes.

He stops in front of the locker room. “Uhh, I think I’ll wait until we want to go to the Jacuzzi. I’ll walk around and pretend to peruse the gym like I want to buy a membership. You know, for the authenticity?”

It’s a flimsy excuse and they all realize it, but they’re good friends. So they nod and all agree to meet him in an hour for the Jacuzzi. Baekhyun only gets halfway through a proposal to swim in the outdoor pool before Minseok says they don’t have sunblock. Baekhyun pouts, but agrees nonetheless. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they should all watch out to make sure Baekhyun doesn’t slip away.

Kyungsoo walks aimlessly around the building. He’s not really into fitness, so he only barely glances into the weight and cardio rooms. The yoga studio’s more interesting in theory. Right now, it’s an empty room with mirrors on one side and the weird wood paneling for the floor. Sometimes Minho suggests doing yoga as a way to meditate, but it sounds like a lot of work, and not really something he can do on his own, and he doesn’t like exercise, much less group exercise. 

There’s a massage room on the second floor, which overlooks the indoor pool. It’s empty so Kyungsoo goes over to look out the window. Down below is an attractive college-age girl, surrounded by old men sitting on the pool edge, feet just barely kicking in the water, in a semblance of not being at the pool just to sleazily ogle at the girl. Kyungsoo turns away with a scoff. This place is disgusting.

Kyungsoo’s favorite attraction in the entire place is the fancy vending machine that has rotating levels and takes credit cards. All of the options are unfortunately healthy, but they sell the expensive canned coffee that Ryeowook will sometimes give him in exchange for stealing his food.

Kyungsoo swipes his card and presses for the coffee. While it drops, he puts his credit card away, and barely gets to lean down to retrieve it, when a tanned arm swoops in before him and grabs the can. Kyungsoo just sighs forlornly. Of course. He looks up at Jongin. 

“That’s my coffee.”

Jongin cracks the can open and takes a sip. Kyungsoo starts taking out his credit card again.

Jongin slaps a hand over the card reader before Kyungsoo can swipe it again. “You just said this is your can.”

“And then you drank from it.”

“We can share it.”

Kyungsoo smiles thinly at him. “I’m not really in the mood to get an STI.”

“I’m clean.”

“Mhmm, I bet. Move your hand. I want my own coffee.”

Jongin lets his hand drop, and leans against the vending machine. “Let me pay you back for this one. There’s a coffee shop around the corner.”

Immediately, Kyungsoo thinks it’s a threat. Will Jongin tell the school he goes to therapy if he doesn’t go on this date? But then just as quickly, Kyungsoo doesn’t care. Jongin tell whoever the fuck he wants. No one will believe him. He’s got no proof. Kyungsoo’s not going to be blackmailed like this.

“I don’t go out with assholes.”

“I’m not an asshole. Come on, Kyungsoo. It’s one date.” Jongin’s shooting him puppy-dog eyes, and Kyungsoo does feel his heart speed up a bit. Jongin is insanely attractive, and Kyungsoo likes the attention even if he knows it’s because he’s playing hard to get. But he knows not to trust his heart. His heart prickles with anxiety over nothing, and it doesn’t understand the bro code.

“I believe you said you would prove to me that you’re not an asshole, and yet my opinion remains unchanged.” Kyungsoo swipes his card again. He moves in front of Jongin to block him from stealing his coffee again.

“What about me makes me an asshole?”

Kyungsoo cracks his own can and takes a sip. It tastes expensive. “I mean there’s the tiny issue that you push your crotch against my ass any chance you get, and you keep stealing my hook-ups.”

“It’s not really stealing your hook-ups when they come so easily,” Jongin replies, a teasing smile on his face. He’s radiating happiness and it pisses Kyungsoo off. For one thing, Kyungsoo acknowledges that Jongin’s right and that's annoying. Jongin didn’t even have to say anything to get Joohyun.  For another, Jongin doesn’t seem to take him seriously.

“Okay, smart guy, what do you say about the blatant sexual harassment?”

“I do it all the time. You’re the only one who’s disliked it.” Jongin shrugs like it’s an easy answer to an easy question.

“Well, I don’t like it. I hate it. I don’t like that you don’t ask me, and it bothers me that you can do stuff like that so easily,” Kyungsoo can feel his eyebrows furrow. He’s getting angry. He feels like Jongin isn’t taking him seriously, and he hates that. He gets it enough from his parents and he gets it enough from adults in general. He doesn’t need this stupid, fuckboy doing it to him to. 

Jongin stands up, concern written across his face. “Look if I had known that you didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have done it. I won’t do it again.”

That stops Kyungsoo in his tracks. He can feel the surprise on his face. Jongin listened to him. Like actually listened, and understood him. It’s wild. Very few people ever take him seriously when he’s angry. He shakes his head. He can’t focus on this right now. Jongin’s in front of him and he has to focus.

“You shouldn’t do any of that stuff to anybody without asking.” Kyungsoo has a lot more that he wants to say, but it’s all tangled up in his head, and his tongue feels twisted. Already he’s angry with himself because he knows his speech about sexual harassment will appear, fully formed, to him in a couple of hours. He takes another sip of his coffee to try and stop himself from getting to worked up.

Jongin seems to consider him for a few seconds. “You’re right, and I apologize for doing that to you. I never wanted you to feel uncomfortable, and I won't do it to you or anyone, ever again.”

It’s sincere. Jongin is completely serious and sincere and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do with that, so he crushes his can and throws it in the recycle bin. “That’s great, and I hope you do that. I have to go.” 

Jongin doesn’t stop him as he walks away, but he does call out, “Hey, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo stops, but only because he thinks it’ll be more trouble than it’s worth to keep walking. “What?” 

Jongin hesitates a bit at Kyungsoo’s harsh tone, “You know, I’m not going to tell anybody about Wednesday, right?”

Kyungsoo breathes heavily through his nose and clenches his teeth. He did not think that’s what Jongin was going to say. He nods. “Thanks.”


	9. Week 2, Clip 1

_Sunday, April 7 th, 2019_

_Sometimes when things are bad, I don’t leave my apartment. My friends are great. I don’t deserve them. They text me when I’m not in school, and ask where I am. I don’t know how to tell them that I’ll cry if I leave my apartment, that my head is buzzing but there are no thoughts inside and I’ve only just woken up, that sometimes it just doesn’t feel like I can win. How do I tell someone? I don’t think I can without being a burden. It’s so much easier to say that I overslept._

“Kyungsoo, it’s yours,” Ryeowook shouts from the mound. The ball’s running down parallel to the foul line. Kyungsoo runs forward, drops into a squat, scoops up the ball and throws it to second base. Kangin, the second baseman, catches the ball, tags the base and throws it to first. Mark, their first baseman, catches the ball and holds it up almost cockily just as Amber, the runner, groans and runs back to her dugout. Three outs. Kyungsoo’s team, the Misfits, is up to bat. 

Kyungsoo jogs back to the dugout and highfives Ryeowook on the way in. He sits between Seulgi and Chaeyoung because he’s fifth in the lineup. Seulgi holds out an open water bottle to him.

“Your roots are starting to show. Do you think you’re going to dye it again?”  Seulgi asks as she straps on her glove. She’s their cleanup hitter, and she takes her job very seriously.

Kyungsoo greedily drinks the water, while he thinks about what he saw in the mirror this morning. The roots are only just starting to flop over on his scalp. Something should be done, even if it’s just dying it back to black. But does he want to? The red hair was a spur of the moment decision when he arrived back in Korea. It had been a stupid attempt to reinvent himself. A slim hope that if he changed his hair color, he’d be able to talk more in class. It had been a vain hope, and he had known it from the moment he colored his hair. But it’s been 7 months at this point, and he kind of likes it red. It was the first compliment Minseok had ever paid him. It feels special now.

“Yeah, I’ll probably do it tonight. Touch up my roots at the very least. What about you? You going to touch up your streaks?”

Seulgi touches one of the blue streaks in her hair. “Nah, I’m thinking about changing the color. What do you think about bubblegum pink?”

“I love it,” shouts Gikwang from down the bench.

“No offense, but you’re straight and I don’t trust your judgment,” Seulgi shouts back down. The rest of the guys laugh with a few patting Gikwang’s back. Gikwang’s girlfriend, sitting in the bleachers behind him, also laughs.

“I love it too,” Chaeyoung chimes in.

Seulgi nods definitively. “You’re also straight, but you’re hot, so I’ll allow it. So the bubblegum pink is a go.”

“I can’t believe you’re flirting when your girlfriend’s three feet behind us in the bleachers,” Kyungsoo says in English.

“She supports my endeavor to flirt with the only straight girl in the league. It’s like a lesbian rite of passion,” Seulgi replies flippantly.

“What are you guys talking about?”

Seulgi flashes Chaeyoung the flirtiest smile she can. “Kyungsoo’s new crush. It’s a boy.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes bulge as he whips his head to look at Seulgi. “What?”

“Ryeowook told me all about the boy at fitness club.” Kyungsoo can’t believe that Seulgi has the audacity to wink at him while she says this. He also wishes he couldn’t believe that Ryeowook would tell Seulgi, that bastard.

“You have a crush on a boy?” Chaeyoung asks excitedly. She wasn’t nearly this excited when Kyungsoo told her about Sua. He senses a little bit of a fetishizing going on.

“No, I have problems with a boy. He fucked my friend and left him in the dust, and now he’s trying to do the same to me.”

Chaeyoung wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. “Oh no, Soo, you can’t have a crush on a boy like that.”

So Chaeyoung is obviously not listening to him. Kyungsoo feels like he could not have been clearer about not having a crush on Jongin. Unbelievable.

“I don’t have a crush on him. Besides, even if I did, I wouldn’t act on it. You know, the code.”

Chaeyoung nods sagely even though Kyungsoo is positive she has no idea what he means by the code. Seulgi pats him on the back as she gets up to try a few practice swings. “The bro code’s not hard and fast, man.”

Kyungsoo just lets her walk away. There’s too much to explain. How Jongin knows too much, how he’s swimming in his own privilege, how his apology wasn’t sincere, how Baekhyun doesn’t know. It’s too much, and it’s too much of a hassle to explain why it’s a bad idea, so Kyungsoo just lets her go.

Seulgi gets up to bat, and hits a triple off of Kibum. Mark and Onew cross homeplate. Kyungsoo steps up to bat. He just needs a single, so Seulgi can cross home. Kibum throws a curve. Kyungsoo doesn’t swing because he thinks it’s outside of the box. He’s wrong. Strike 1. Kyungsoo steps back to let Donghae throw the ball back. Kibum winds up. Kyungsoo thinks it’s going to be a fast ball, and swings too early. Strike 2. He grits his teeth. He’s got to do better. He’s overthinking it. He’s got good reflexes. He’ll screw himself over if he tries to predict the outcome.

When Kibum winds up this time, Kyungsoo tunes everything out, and just focuses on the current state of the ball. In Kibum’s mitt, in Kibum’s hand, flying towards him, against his bat, and flying out towards center field.

He hits a double.


	10. Week 2, Clip 2

_Monday, April 8 th, 2019_

_When I was a sophomore, I wasn’t a big talker, but I talked. And it was in this mandatory music class that I had in America. But I had been asked about the role of mood in music because my last paper had been on a very sorrowful song, and the mood was a big part of my paper. So this was a direct question and I hardly talked, but I could talk now, because it was a direct question. And this usually nice guy just angrily said my answer was 'great, but what did that have to do with the mood?' And I think my teacher saw the look on my face that I wanted to object, and quickly jumped in and explained my answer to the kid, who then suddenly understood it because the teacher said it. Why did he react like that? What made him so harsh in his response? Why did my teacher interject like that? I could have defended myself. Why did that stupid fucking kid understand it when my teacher said it? Why was he so mean to me? Why am I incapable of_ _communicating? Why do I suck at talking?_

Kyungsoo tilts his head back and forth methodically. His head is buzzing, and he doesn’t know why. It’s faint right now, more in the back of his skull than in the front, which is why he made himself go to school. If it spreads to the front, it’ll be a problem. He doesn’t know why. It’s usually indicative that he’s nervous about seminar, but why is this Monday’s particularly bad? With a useless shake of his head, Kyungsoo doesn’t let himself dwell on it. He never knows why the anxiety does what it does.

But it’s usually a bad idea to aggravate it. Maybe he should skip 4thtoday. If he risks it and gets worked up because of it, he’s looking at a terrible day tomorrow. So really, he’s being smart by skipping since skipping one class is better than skipping an entire day. But he can’t just tell Mr. Bang that. Mr. Bang’s going to think he’s just skipping for the sake of skipping if he tells him the truth. He has to think of a lie that’s small, but big enough to conceivably say why he’s not in class.

**To: Bang, Jimin**

**CC:**

**From: Do, Kyungsoo**

**Subject Line: Absent**

Dear Mr. Bang,

I’m very sorry, but I won’t be in class today. I

 

Kyungsoo stops typing. Putting that he’s sick is out of the question. It sounds fake and Mr. Bang would want him to go to the nurse. They might also call his parents, which is the absolute last thing that Kyungsoo wants. Can’t say that he has an appointment either. They’d ask for a note.

A cat chitters from above him. It’s an orange, scrawny thing trying to get at some birds on the branch above him.

**To: Bang, Jimin**

**CC:**

**From: Do, Kyungsoo**

**Subject Line: Absent**

I’m very sorry, but I won’t be in class today. My cat was hit by a car this morning, and I had to take him to the vet. Once again, very sorry.

Sincerely,

Do Kyungsoo

 

He clicks send before he can overthink it. It’s going to be fine. It’s serious, but not too serious. Mr. Bang will never find out. It’s good. It’s good.  He'll skip 4th and lunch and come back for 5th. If anyone asks, he'll say the cat's in surgery. He shouldn’t have to feel guilty. He’s being smart by being proactive. He’s not weak just because he’s taking the easy way out. He’s being productive. He's being smart.


	11. Week 2, Clip 3

**_Voicemail_ **

_Moonbyul Do_

_Tuesday, April 9 th  at 6:34 am_

_0:37_

**_*Beep*_ **

_Kyungsoo, this is your mother. I got a call from Mr. Bang. He wanted to send his condolences about our cat. I accepted his condolences instead of telling him how my son is a liar. Why are you skipping? You’ll never get into med school if you continue to skip. Your father and I let you live in Seoul by yourself because graduating from a school like Seoul Prep will get you into Seoul National. But that won’t be possible if you keep skipping. You have to try harder. Do you think any med school will want someone who skips? Do you want to be a failure? If I hear that you’re skipping one more time, there will be serious repercussions._

**_End Message_ **

 

Kyungsoo puts his hand over his heart. He’s got like five minutes until the guys get here, so he might as well try and get the heart breathing out of the way. He’s managed to at least do it once a day since last Thursday, which is not as many times as Minho wants him to do it, but it’s more than he’s been doing it. Little steps.

Closing his eyes, Kyungsoo starts taking deep breaths, imagining that he’s breathing directly into and out of his heart. The air spirals tightly in the visual of his heart in his mind until it uncoils slowly in the release of his breath. With his breathing under control, Kyungsoo thinks of the hug he and Minseok shared after Minseok got Jinwoo to stop bullying him. It had been unexpected, a spontaneous burst on Minseok’s part that Kyungsoo could only react to. But it had been nice. Kyungsoo wasn’t physically affectionate, but his hug with Minseok, even now, makes his feel warm with pure adoration. That perfect adoration thrums softly in beat with his breathing. He focuses on keeping them together until it feels like a minute has passed.

He opens his eyes slowly and looks around with a soft gaze. The coffee shop is just as full as it was before, Kyungsoo’s still hidden in the far booth in the back, but he feels different. He wasn’t anxious when he started, but he definitely feels calmer now. More settled. It’s good.

His phone vibrates. He looks at the notification. Mag_nini_cent wants to send him a message. It’s Jongin. Kyungsoo didn’t bother blocking him on Instagram since he doesn’t follow him. He can just click block, but he’s hesitant. Despite his reluctance to think kindly of Jongin, after Saturday, he’s a little curious. But that’s not enough to get him to open the message. There’s a much better reason of being able to show Baekhyun that Jongin has no intention of dating him. The group had all agreed that Kyungsoo was a bit too hasty in blocking Jongin and deleting the conversation. They could have used it as evidence especially since Baekhyun didn’t count Jongin making out with other people as proof.

There’s really little choice but to accept the message. For Baekhyun. He’s doing it for Baekhyun.

 

 

Kyungsoo smiles against his better judgment. It’s cute. A little awkward, but cute. It’s a good attempt. Kyungsoo can appreciate that. He clicks his phone off. He shouldn’t reply though. It won’t do urge Jongin on no matter how much he changes. It’s the bro code, but he can save the messages to show Baekhyun. He clicks the phone back on and looks back at the message. He screenshots the message before replying.

It seems like it’s the polite thing to do, and he won’t reply to anything else Jongin sends. He clicks his phone off and slides it into his pocket. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you'll never see any DMs to Kyungsoo, I feel like I should tell you that his IG handle is dyo_a_deer.


	12. Week 2, Clip 4

_Wednesday, April 10 th, 2019_

_Sometimes when the planets all align, I suppose, I think of something that I want to say that’s relevant to the conversation. And my entire body knows it. I start to feel things. My palms get sweaty, I can almost feel my voice coming up my throat only to be stopped because my pounding heart won’t let me speak without a wavering voice. And this goes on without stopping while I wait for someone to stop speaking so I can speak. I feel jittery especially in my thighs. Minho says it’s my fight-or-flight response that’s been triggered. My body thinks I’m in a dangerous situation, which seems right. Because even when I do have something to say, and it’s quiet, I’m not ready to say it. I always need one more second to summon up the nerve to talk, and by then the conversation’s already moved on. Whatever I was about to say becomes irrelevant to the conversation._

“Hey, Kyungsoo, can you hang back a second?” Mr. Bang asks. The bell had just rung for lunch, and most of the class had launched themselves out the door the moment it happened. Kyungsoo was slower in packing up, but now that Mr. Bang’s spoken, he wishes he was faster. He can feel that prickling sensation sweep from his eyes to his nose. Fuck.

“Yeah, sure, what can I do for you, Mr. Bang?” It’s an almost too cheerful tone, but Kyungsoo’s halfway convinced it can stop him from crying. Mr. Bang doesn’t think he’s stupid. Mr. Bang doesn’t think he’ stupid. Mr. Bang does—

“I want to try a new approach. Instead of just reading the text, I want you to write down your questions and maybe a paragraph or two of your thoughts and turn that into me before every class. Is that okay? That way you know you'll be fine even if you don't talk.”

Kyungsoo’s crying. He nods quickly. “Yeah, that’d be good.” The tears are running down his face, and he can feel snot start to drip out his nose. He can’t stop it, and the fact that he’s here in front of Mr. Bang, crying is worse. “Mr. Bang, can I stay here for a few seconds?” He chokes halfway through his question, he's crying so hard. Fuck!

Mr. Bang nods, a look of pure pity in his eyes, “Yes, of course, Kyungsoo. Take as much time as you need. Here take some tissues.”

Kyungsoo takes the box and goes to sit down in the small alcove that hides him from the door. He lets his forehead rest against his knees. He’s gasping and choking on his tears. It’s so stupid. It’s so stupid. Mr. Bang is only trying to help and Kyungsoo is just crying like an idiot. The buzzing grows in his head. His head physically feels full, pounding against his skull. Mr. Bang didn’t even say anything about him not talking. He’s trying to get Kyungsoo to keep his grade up. That’s all. It’s not because I'm so fucking incompetent at talking, Mr. Bang had to think of some new way to cater to my problem because I couldn’t rise to the fucking challenge, I'm too fucking stupid, I have to be handled with kid gloves, I'm just just the biggest fucking fail— 

His phone vibrates.

  **From: Minseok**

Hey, are you okay? Where are you? We’re all having lunch today in the practice room.

 

Kyungsoo wipes off a drop of snot that had fallen onto his phone screen.

 

**To: Minseok**

Yeah, I’m fine. Just talking to Mr. Bang about some extra credit work.

 

Kyungsoo feels the buzzing grow anew because his text is truer than he thinks. This is essentially extra credit. Mr. Bang’s giving him extra work because Kyungsoo’s too stupid. I'm being a burden because I can’t fucking talk, it’s so fucking simple why can’t I talk, Just open my voice and speak! It’s not hard. It’s so fucking easy. I'm just so fucking weak!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Kyungsoo bites the sleeve of his shirt to hold back a sob. Mr. Bang’s still in the room. Kyungsoo can’t disturb him. His phone vibrates again.

 

**From: Baekhyun**

Since Kyungsoo’s being such a kiss ass right now, I guess I’ll have to do this in the group chat.

 

**From: Jongdae**

I don’t know why you’re acting like you don’t do this all the time. You’ve been known to livetweet our conversations

 

**From: Baekhyun**

I just want the world to know that I have clever, beautiful friends.

 

**From: Yixing**

Please focus. I have a test.

 

**From: Baekhyun**

It’s Sehun’s Birthday on Friday.

 

Kyungsoo wipes his nose and eyes with his sleeve. It’s definitely going to be stiff when it dries.

 

**From: Minseok**

And that is important because?

 

**From: Baekhyun**

Because it means a huge party.

 

**From: Yixing**

But are we invited? I didn’t think after last semester, we would be.

 

**From: Minseok**

No, Sehun invited us.

 

Amazingly, Kyungsoo feels annoyance shine through the impenetrability. He wipes his nose on his sleeve before he writes his own message.

 

**From: Kyungsoo**

That kid has no shame

 

**From: Baekhyun**

And we should be thankful. We’re talking the party of the year here!

 

**From: Jongdae**

If you can reply, Soo, does that mean you’re done?

 

**From: Yixing**

Yeah, come join us, Soosoo. We need a voice of reason.

 

**From: Minseok**

I think I’m a voice of reason.

 

**From: Baekhyun**

Yeah, but no one’s as much of a killjoy as Soo.

I SAY THIS WITH LOVE

 

Kyungsoo wipes his eyes, and does a quick gauge. He’s on the edge, but he’s going to be on the edge until he can get by himself or he can sleep. Neither of those things are going to happen since he has to stay here. So Kyungsoo’s just going to have to suck it up and get through the rest of the day with his head down.

 

**From: Kyungsoo**

I’ll be there in a sec.

 

He needs to stop by the bathroom first. Cold water does wonder for the eyes.


	13. Week 2, IG DM

_Thursday, April 11 th_

_My parents push hard and maybe don’t consider my personhood enough. Both of them are very clearly authoritative and ambitious. Both of them are doctors, top of their fields too. They’re loud often. They fight often too. But they never argue. I feel like argue implies they listen to the other’s point, but they don’t do that. It’s continuous talking over each other, and nothing’s ever solved. They don’t listen to each other, and if they don’t listen to each other, why would they listen to me?_

 


	14. Week 2, Clip 5

 

_Friday, April 12 th_

_All of my friends have always been big talkers, and I mean that in a more academic sense than an extroverted sense. I wonder if I’m quiet so as to act as a counterbalance to them. They can just easily hold conversations on whatever we’re studying, and they’re not afraid to talk, to voice their opinions, and not be wrong. I’m terrified of being wrong even though I understand that’s the only way to learn. I wasn’t like this when I was younger. I was a great student when I was younger. All of my teachers loved me. What happened?_

“We need a game plan,” Yixing says definitively, slamming his fist against his palm. Kyungsoo, Jongdae and Minseok look up from where they’re comparing their astrology compatibility.

“For what?” Jongdae asks distractedly.

“How to let Baekhyun know that Jongin’s not into him.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes. “Oh, this again. Just let him do what he wants.”

“He’s setting himself up to be hurt again. I’m not sure if he’ll be able to take it a second time. I think Xixi’s right.” Minseok nods, knocking his shoulder against Kyungsoo’s. Kyungsoo frowns. His stance hasn’t changed. He doesn’t want to go.

“If Baekhyun’s not going to take a hint when Jongin makes out with other people, I don’t see what we can do.”

“We get Jongin to text you again.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No way, Xixi. We showed him the first DMs and we showed him the ones from yesterday. He just thinks that since I’m not falling for Jongin, Jongin’s trying harder. He’s not going to take anything as proof, since Jongin only apologized to him. If Jongin apologized to other people, maybe. 

“You guys just need to lay off of him. Soo’s right. Baekhyun’s not going to believe anything he doesn’t want to believe, so just forget it. I know you’re worried, but I’m telling you, Baekhyun won’t learn unless he fucks it up himself.” Jongdae frowns at his phone. “Soo and I aren’t sexually compatible. Why are you a Capricorn?”

“Why are you a Virgo?” Kyungsoo shoots back. “It’s simple. We’ll just steer Baekhyun towards someone else and hope for the best. He’s a romantic.”

 Yixing clicks his tongue. “I guess that’ll have to do.  Do you want good sexual compatibility?”

Jongdae holds his hands up defensively. “All I’m saying is that amongst the five of us, I’d definitely bang Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo nods. “Yeah, you would, and out of respect, I’d bang you too.”

Minseok throws up his hands. “Soo, we’re boyfriends! Minsoo for life! What the fuck? You’re leaving me for Jongdae?”

“I don’t know why you sound so scandalized. I’m a fucking catch, man. And I wouldn’t fuck just Kyungsoo. I’d fuck you too. This can be a thing between the three of us.”

“Would you like to join our threesome, Xixi?”

“I’d fuck you, and you only,” Yixing replies. Minseok screeches in victory.

“That’s right, motherfuckers. I’m Xixi's one and only. Take that Jongdae's stupid little threesome.”

 


	15. Week 2, Clip 6

_Saturday, April 13 th, 2019_

_I have a self-esteem issue, which is where most of the anxiety comes from since it is so strictly connected with my academic work. I’m also introverted, which is it’s own kind of hell. After about six hours, I get overwhelmed. It’s a pure sensory overload. Everything’s too loud, too close, too everything. I cry. My anxiety can’t take that kind of thing. The thoughts get worse the longer I’m out. I hate parties._

It’s 1am. Kyungsoo has been here for 2 hours, but he’s feeling good. He and Minseok started playing beer pong as soon as they got here, and are the undisputed champions. Minseok, who shakes on a regular basis because he’s got the worst circulation Kyungsoo has ever seen, becomes ridiculously steady the more he drinks. The game plan, then, was super simple. Minseok drank all of their beer until he could sink their Ping-Pong balls, and then it became a matter of Kyungsoo drinking one for Minseok’s two because Kyungsoo, like most, became a terrible shot when he drank a lot.

Right now, Kyungsoo’s pleasantly buzzed. The squad, minus Baekhyun, had arrived at 11, Baekhyun at 12, and Kyungsoo and Minseok had immediately made their way to the back room to play. The beer was so watered down though, it had taken Minseok over an hour to straddle the line between maximum efficiency in shooting and being sloppy. Kyungsoo thinks Minseok has about four more beers before he gets sloppy and horny. They’ve played six rounds now, and there’s only 2 teams left, unless people want to repeat. 

Junsu across the table shoots his Ping-Pong ball with a shout of “Kobe!” He overshoots enough that the ball hits the far wall. Minseok explodes into laughter and falls into a hug with Kyungsoo. This game’s in the bag. Minseok kisses Kyungsoo on the cheek, “Go get ‘em, tiger.” Kyungsoo smiles and picks up his Ping-Pong Ball. He overestimated how many more beers Minseok could take.

He steps back, mentally crowing when the crowds cheers at his audacity. Kyungsoo winds up; the crowd goes wild. There’s one cup left and Kyungsoo’s playing games. Junsu and his teammate, some 1st year girl he no doubt plans on fucking tonight, both step back. Undoubtedly, they think he’s going to overshoot and hit one of them. Kyungsoo winds his arm back like he's going to pelt it, lets it swing back and down, and, ever so softly, bounces the ball into the cup. Minseok latches himself like a leech onto Kyungsoo’s neck and screams. Kyungsoo wraps an arm around Minseok and throws a fist in the air as he joins Minseok in his shrieking. He’s buzzed, competitive and winning. It’s a great fucking night. He has the grandest ambitions of beating everyone in this room tonight at beer pong. He’s feeling lucky and sharp, and all of the people surrounding him are clearly stupid with alcohol right now.

“Who’s next, motherfuckers?” Kyungsoo spins him and Minseok around as he issues his challenge. He’s trying to point to Kyuyhun from his math class. Kyungsoo would never say he doesn’t like someone, but he comes pretty close to it with Kyuhyun. He’s already imagining his victory. It’s heady. “Come on, Kyu!”

Kyuhyun is stepping forward when Yixing shoulders past him roughly and steps into Kyungsoo and Minseok’s space.

“Baekhyun and Jongin have been talking for the last 15 minutes.”

“What?” Minseok asks too loudly for the secrecy the conversation requires.

“It’s fine. Jongdae’s right. Let him make his own mistakes.” Kyungsoo grouses. There’s something that’s bothering him about what Yixing said, but he can’t be bothered to think too much on it.

“What about the plan?”

“Forget the plan. If he doesn’t want to listen to us, it’s his own problem. I think I want to fuck Kyuhyun,” This last sentence is whispered to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo shakes his head at Minseok and pulls him closer. “No, you don’t.”

“You’re really just going to leave Baekhyun by himself?” Yixing’s distress makes Kyungsoo feel a little guilty, but really what can they do? Baekhyun’s not listening to them at all. But Yixing’s not going to let it go either.

“Let us play one more round, and then we’ll go find him, okay?”

Yixing doesn’t look happy, but he nods. Kyungsoo swings Minseok back towards the table, where someone’s already restacked and refilled their cups. Sehun stands across the table with Chanyeol. Kyungsoo feels his buzz instantly killed. He swipes his hand in front of his neck repeatedly. “We’re out, we’re out. Xixi, let’s go.”

Yixing looks to where Sehun is and nods. “Yeah, yeah, let’s go. Come on, Minnie.”

“Let’s play one more game, Soo. We’re the champs.” Despite his words, Minseok is making no attempt to go back to the table, which makes Kyungsoo think that he’s seen Sehun.

“I think Baekhyun needs us.” Kyungsoo replies back easily. If Minseok wants the easy out, Kyungsoo will give him the easy out. 

A quick glare from Kyungsoo gets most people out of their way as they make their way to what Kyungsoo thinks is the living room. Sehun’s house is absolutely too huge for two adults and their child.

Jongdae is leaning against the snack table, blatantly staring at Jongin and Baekhyun talking. There’s no fear he’ll be caught because it’s very obvious that Jongin and Baekhyun are completely engrossed in whatever they’re talking about.

Despite the oddness of the situation, Kyungsoo can’t help but turn to Jongdae first. “Well, well, well, someone looks a little worried.”

Jongdae doesn’t even look embarrassed. “Well, well, well, someone’s been drinking. Beer pong go well?”

“It went amazing. We won all our matches. We’re the bitches of the beer pong table.” Minseok says, grabbing a cookie from the table. He looks more sober than he did in the beerpong room.

Jongdae makes a face. “Don’t say that. Look at them. This isn’t how Jongin usually acts.”

Kyungsoo hums deep in his throat. That sounds bad. “How do you know?”

“Baekhyun and I are childhood friends. He’s been obsessed with Jongin since we were 14. I’ve had to sit through a bunch of parties watching him with Baekhyun. Jongin, by this time, is either grinding against someone or taking them to a room. He’s never just talking.”

This scene feels too familiar. It feels like only yesterday the four of them were grouped around the snack table watching Baekhyun making out with Jongin and cheering. How times have changed. How Jongin’s changed too. Kyungsoo can’t help but blush hot. Is Jongin’s change because of him?

“Do we do anything? There’s nothing bad about this situation.” They’re standing a foot apart and just talking. They’re both smiling.  There’s nothing remotely sexual about the situation. Nothing to indicate that Jongin will do what he did last semester. Minseok’s right. There’s really no reason to do anything.

“Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo tilts his head slightly to show Jongdae that he’s listening.

“It looks like Jongin’s more serious about you than we think.” 

Kyungsoo closes his eyes in the vain hope that it will allow him to can escape from the room. When it’s clear he’s still at the party, he opens them again.

“So it seems.”

 


	16. Week 3

_April 14th, 2019_

_What if I’m faking?_


	17. Week 3, clip 1

_Tuesday, April 16 th_

_Anxiety’s kind of confusing. I don’t feel it a lot of the time. In my head, I mean. But I know it’s there. It’s just so silent. That’s when I know it’s bad. When there buzzing tips over the edge, everything becomes silent. I’m a deer in the headlights. It’s an impenetrable silence that traps me in my head. It’s different from the crying, but it’s worse. With the crying, I have a physical reason to leave. When it’s silence, I have to stay. There’s nothing to indicate to other people that something’s wrong, so I have to stay._

The ease with which Kyungsoo can do the write-ups for Mr. Bang is surprising at first. It’s actually easy. He has stuff to say about what they’re reading for seminar, which is amazing. He didn’t think he had anything to say, but he does. Which is great. Seminar doesn’t stress him anymore since he doesn’t have to talk. He can just sit there. There’s a tiny niggling in the back of his head that points out that since he doesn’t have any reason to talk now, he won’t talk. But he ignores that. Since he is writing stuff out beforehand, there’s a chance that the conversation will turn towards what he wrote about, and, then, he’ll say it. For sure.

Kyungsoo grabs the article he’s writing about and flips through it to find a quote to back up what he’s saying. It should be easy to find since he marked it, but a quick flip through leaves him with nothing. He sighs and goes back to the beginning so he can diligently read everything he’s marked.

“Kyungsoo, can I sit here?” Jongin whispers. Kyungsoo looks up, surprised. He’s way back in the stacks at the table with a broken lamp. He didn’t even think people knew about this table.

“Every other table is full,” Jongin explains. Kyungsoo thinks he’s lying. When he had come in, most of the tables were empty. But it’s been a decent amount of time, so they might have filled up. He doesn’t have any way to tell unless he decides to get up and go out to the main grouping of tables, which sounds like a hassle he doesn’t want to deal with.

Kyungsoo gestures lazily with his hand to let Jongin know he can do whatever the fuck he wants. It doesn’t matter to him. He’s going to finish this write-up before he gets home even if it kills him. He hates doing homework at home. His apartment is a safe place.

Jongin seems to be along the same lines because he takes out his textbook and notebook, and immediately starts taking notes. Kyungsoo smiles, pleased with the situation. He thought for sure Jongin would try to talk to him, and Kyungsoo’s not sure what he would do. He’s still trying to think through the whole situation. 

Jongin clears his throat. Kyungsoo stops typing and looks up. Jongin looks unsure of himself. “I’m, uh, sorry about your cat.”

“My cat?”

The confusion has to be clear on Kyungsoo’s face because he has no idea where Jongin would get the idea that he has a cat. He’s not even a cat person. He’s a dog person.

“Your cat the got hurt last Monday. I overheard Mr. Bang telling Mr. Lim about it,” Jongin supplies helpfully.

The cat! The cat that doesn’t exist! The cat that Kyungsoo made up to get out of class! The Cat! Mr. Bang is telling people about his non-existent cat. Why is he doing that? Now people think that he has a cat, and it’s not like Kyungsoo can tell people that he doesn’t have a cat. It might get back to Mr. Bang, and then he’ll get in trouble. And if he gets in trouble, they’ll call his parents, which is a situation that’s both annoying and troublesome. No, Kyungsoo can’t tell Jongin that the cat doesn’t exist. He’ll have to do the next best thing.

“Uh, yeah, my cat died.” Kyungsoo scratches at his nose. He hopes Jongin buys it. 

The look of extreme alarm on Jongin’s face is comforting. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo waves a hand. He’d like to be off this topic of conversation. “It’s fine you didn’t know.”

“But still, I’m sorry. What was his name?”

Man, Jongin just does not want to let this go. Kyungsoo’s eyes drop to his screen where he picks the first word that sounds vaguely name-like. “Quasar.” He bites the inside of his cheek. That’s not a name.

“Quasar, so you must like space.” Jongin seems to grab onto the name like a lifeline. Kyungsoo bites back a grimace. This is not what he wanted, but he dug his grave. Might as well lie in it. 

“Yup, I love it.” Unfortunately, Kyungsoo doesn't manage to make his reply sound anything but sarcastic.

Jongin nods, oblivious to the sarcasm, and repeats the words ‘nice’ under his breath. He seems to be considering something. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to let his train of thought evolve into something, so he doesn’t.

“I have to finish this before next period,” he gestures vaguely towards his screen. “Sorry.” Kyungsoo tacks this on at the end because it seems like the nice thing to do.

“It’s no problem. Please, don’t let me interrupt you,” Jongin spits out almost immediately. It’s the instinctive reaction of politeness that’s drilled into them at a young age. 

Kyungsoo just smiles awkwardly and nods before turning back to his screen. It feels awkward for a little bit, especially because Kyungsoo can feel Jongin staring a hole in his face, but eventually Jongin turns back to his own work. Kyungsoo feels himself relax. He even thinks this situation might almost be comfortable.


	18. Week 3, Clip 2

_Wednesday, April 17 th_

_I’ve been doing the meditation for almost 2 weeks now. It’s a record for how long I’ve consistently done it, and I think it’s working? It’s not drastic and it might be placebo effect, but everything feels… stable. Or Stabler. Obviously I’m not fixed, but it seems better. I don’t know. It’s probably just a matter of time before I stop doing it anyway._

Kyungsoo opens the door to an apologetic Minseok. “I’m sorry,” he says as he steps in, “it’s just the place is too quiet when Mom’s on the late shift, you know?” The fact that Minseok clenches his eyes shut and grimaces after he’s finished speaking shows Kyungsoo that Minseok knows that Kyungsoo doesn’t know.

Minseok takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. “Sorry.” 

Kyungsoo shrugs and shuts the door. “It’s fine.” And he means that. He’s well accepted his relationship with his parents. It is what it is. “Can I get you something to drink or eat?”

“No thanks, I had dinner with Jun before I came over.”

It’s made itself very obvious that all Kyungsoo can do is blow past all of this Jun business. “Hmm, what’s he up to tonight?”

“He’s hanging with Siwon.”

“Doesn’t he have the same paper as us?” Kyungsoo asks as he pours out a second glass of water. It doesn’t matter what Minseok says. Eventually he will be thirsty. He sets it on the kitchen table next to Minseok’s backpack. Immediately Minseok picks it up to take a sip.

“Yeah,” Minseok takes another sip, “But he finished it last week. You’ve met him. He’s more anal than you.”

Kyungsoo nods and opens up his laptop. “I wish I were anal in that way. What does it matter that my apartment’s clean when I don’t do homework until the last minute? What’s your topic again?”

“ _Dangerous Liasons_. Ms. Kim’s a rebel. You’re doing some English novel, right?”

“It’s English class. How are you doing a French novel?”

Minseok shrugs. “It’s been translated into English.”

“Doesn’t make it any less French,” Kyungsoo argues. What’s the point of assigning an English paper if Ms. Kim’s going to do shit like that?

“Ms. Kim’s a rebel,” Minseok repeats slowly like Kyungsoo’s stupid.

“Yeah, yeah, okay. Wait, what are you doing?” Minseok’s pulled out his earbuds and laptop, and queued up a movie.

“I’m watching the movie. I didn’t read the book.”

“This is a book report. The movie’s probably different.”

“I thought of that. I’m going to read the summary of it online and, compare and contrast. I’ll keep it broad. Nothing too detailed, you know? This isn’t my first book report. I know how to fake it.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t bother responding to that. If Minseok can get away with it, more power to him. Kyungsoo’s too anal to even think about trying to pull that off. Ms. Kim would know if he didn’t read the book. He knows she would. He would have made some mistake and she would pounce on it. It’s too risky. 

They work in silence for a while. Minseok, five minutes into the movie, pulls out his phone. Kyungsoo’s just word vomiting onto the page. Already he can tell he’s not going to edit this. It doesn’t matter. It’s already two pages over the page limit. He’s proven that he’s read the book.

There’s a knock on the window. Ryeowook and Seulgi are smiling manically at him through the glass. Kyungsoo flicks his eyes very obviously over to where Minseok is watching his movie. He shakes his head. This is a bad time. 

Ryeowook knocks again. Hard enough that even Minseok can hear through his headphones. It’s almost funny the way he looks over to the window lazily before becoming completely alarmed. He wrenches out his headphones. 

“What the fuck? Are you being robbed?” He stands up and reaches for the baseball bat that’s placed next to the door. Kyungsoo sighs and stands up. Looks like he has to let them in now.

“No, no, these are my upstairs neighbors. They have no common sense. Put the bat down. I’ll unlock the window and let them in.”

It’s with great reluctance that Kyungsoo makes his way over to the window to unlock it. He pushes it up and whispers-hisses, “You guys are dicks.”

“Some people can’t even get dick, Soo, and you’ve got two. Just think of how lucky you are,” Ryeowook replies easily, pushing past him into the room. “Hello, I’m Ryeowook and this is Seulgi. You must be Minseok, we’ve heard the bare minimum about you.”

Minseok’s still holding the bat, but he manages to give a confused smile. “Hi, is that, uh, good?”

Seulgi pats Kyungsoo’s cheek on the way in. “It means you’re his best friend. Kyungsoo only talks at length about someone if he doesn’t like them. Consequently, we’ve heard the most about Jongin and Baekhyun.”

Kyungsoo blushes. He likes Baekhyun. He does. It’s just Baekhyun’s tactless and willfully ignorant which is a terrible combination and sometimes, it’s too much. A lot of the time, it’s too much. And well, Jongin’s Jongin.

Luckily, Minseok laughs, “Yeah, Baekhyun can be a bit much. It’s nice to meet you. You must be great friends to him then because I’ve heard absolutely nothing about you.” 

Oh, Kyungsoo doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like this at all. He tries to play it off. “I didn’t think you guys were going to meet, so I didn’t bother. It’s weird hearing about people you’ve never seen, you know?” How he manages to say this with a straight face, knowing he’s told both Ryeowook and Seulgi about Minseok, a boy they've never met, is a blessing.

They truly are good friends to him because they pretend that he’s given a good answer. Seulgi slides into the chair next to Minseok to see what’s on the screen. “Oh _Dangerous Liaisons.”_

“Yeah, do you like it? I’m actually getting into it.”

Seulgi shrugs. “Eh, could be gayer.”

Minseok returns the shrug. “Everything could gayer.”

Seulgi pats his back like he’s on to something. “This one’s my favorite.”

Minseok smiles gummily at the compliment. He gestures between the three of them. “How’d you guys get to be friends?” 

Ryeowook opens his mouth, but Kyungsoo beats him to the punch. “They brought over cookies when I first moved in, and then I invited them over to dinner to return the favor.”

Seulgi to her credit, doesn’t look phased at Kyungsoo’s interjection. She just twirls a finger in one of Minseok’s curls and idly asks if he’s ever though about dying it. Ryeowook, to his discredit, shoots Kyungsoo a vexed look. Kyungsoo just shakes his head furiously. None of the guys know that he plays baseball, and honestly, they don’t need to. Kyungsoo likes being nice and neat with everything in little boxes.


	19. Week 3, Clip 3

_ Thursday, April 18 th _

_ The cleaning is new. Ish. It started in America. I would get up early every Saturday morning and take a shower and then clean my room. It was important that I did this. It increased my anxiety if I didn’t do it. I told myself for a while that if I have time to clean my room then I have time to get everything done for class. It felt like if I couldn’t control this one aspect of my life then, of course, I  can’t do anything. It’s unhealthy. It’s  a untrue worse-case scenario. But here I am, two years later, cleaning my room consistently every Sunday. _

“What do you think of Jongin, Soo?” Baekhyun asks the moment they finish singing. Kyungsoo chokes on his water. Where’s this coming from?

“He’s fine,” Kyungsoo manages to get out. After Saturday’s party, it seems unfair to say anything else. Also saying anything against Jongin is asking for a lecture from Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo was up until 3 trying to catch a Ranger’s game. He’s tired, cranky, and this is the least thing he wants to do. So he needs to finish strong. “It seems like he really meant his apology, which is…nice.” It’s not a strong finish, but he called Jongin a bastard last semester, so the bar was low.

Baekhyun smiles. “Yeah, he’s doing really good. I think you guys would get along.”

Kyungsoo just nods before taking another sip. What do you say to something like that?

“What’s up with mentioning Jongin? I thought we were past this.” Jongdae doesn’t look overly suspicious just resigned. He hands out a new piece of sheet music. This is the second song in the set they plan to do.

“He’s changed, and I just thought it was…nice.” 

Kyungsoo feels like he’s being mocked.

“Yup, he’s changed, but he’s not here,” Yixing says, “I propose a new rule. We can only talk about people in the room when we’re in the practice room. We’ve only got 5 weeks until we perform. We can’t lose focus.”

“I’m fine with the rule,” Kyungsoo nods at each of them individually before turning back to Yixing. “But that also means you can’t talk about Luhan.” He’s smiling because he’s joking. Yixing’s never gone a full day without talking about Luhan.

“Obviously celebrities are different.”

Jongdae shakes his head with a look of faux concern. “I don’t know, Xixi, if we let you talk about Luhan then we have to be able to talk about any celebrity, which could mean someone who’s locally famous. And Jongin, who’s the most popular guy in school, could arguably be defined as a celebrity which means we can talk about him.”

Yixing’s mouth drops open. “You’re making fun of me.”

“On my life, I would never, “ Jongdae says monotonously. He ruffles Yixing’s hair. “Well, maybe a little. It’s fine. I think we’re done for the day anyway.  Lunch ends in 10, and Kyungsoo’s got his appointment.”

“The appointment which he never tells us about,” Baekhyun adds in.

Kyungsoo feels his face twist in displeasure. More and more, it seems like his worlds are converging and he doesn’t like that. It's also not his fault that Minho had to reschedule their appointment. It all feels like a threat at the best of times and anxiety personified at the worst.

Yixing waves a hand in Baekhyun’s direction. “Like you’re one to talk, Mr. I-disappear-every-Tuesday-afternoon. Do you think we don’t notice how you’re gone?”

Baekhyun winks. “It’s because I’m a secret popstar, and I can’t tell you.”

“What kind of popstar has concerts on Tuesday?” Minseok complains. He slings an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder and squeezes.

“The popstar who has to balance high school with it. Ask Kyungsoo. There’s an American show about this.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head gravely. “I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

“Kyungsoo!” 


	20. Week 3, IG DM

_Friday, April 19th, 2019_

_I don't like depending on people. It feels like I'm a burden. My problems are my own and I've very aware that other people's emotional baggage can be draining. I don't want to do that to my f_ _riends._

 

__


	21. Week 3, Clip 4

_Saturday, April 20 th, 2019_

_The older I get the more alone time I need. It’s almost ridiculous. Baekhyun always talks about how much he hates being alone, and I just don’t get it. It’s really nice to be alone, but I feel like I crave it too much. One day I’ll be a hermit because of it, and that’s no way to live. Humans need human interaction. I know I skip out on my friends a lot because I like to be alone, but I do genuinely love them. I don’t want them to think that I don’t. I just need a lot of time._

Someone knocks on his door. Kyungsoo just stares until they knock again. He looks at the clock: 11:21am. He has no idea who’s at his door. Ryeowook and Seulgi work night shifts, so they’re still asleep, and he doesn’t think he has plans with the squad today. Baekhyun tried, but Yixing’s going to a fan event for Luhan’s birthday, and then Minseok was going on a day trip with Junmyeon and Siwon. There had been many side eyes at that announcement.

The person knocks again. With great reluctance, Kyungsoo barely opens the door to allow him to see outside, but Baekhyun, seeing that it’s open, barges in and looks around.

“Can you believe we’ve been friends for almost a year now, and I’ve never seen your place. This is great. You live by yourself. We could hold a party here.” He claps his hands together. “We should throw a party here. Next weekend. It’ll be the party of the year. Let’s do it!”

There’s just so much that’s happened in under 30 seconds that Kyungsoo can only blink quickly as he tries to understand what exactly is happening. He looks around his apartment. It’s not big. It’s a one-bedroom apartment. He’s very picky about who’s in his space. Just thinking about anyone going into his room makes him unhappy. It makes him feel supremely unsafe.

“Good morning to you too,” is what he decides to say. If he just ignores the issue, it’ll probably go away.

“I brought you coffee from the café below,” Minseok says in lieu of a greeting. He hands over the plain paper cup. Kyungsoo feels warmth unfurl in his chest at the gesture. He only drinks black coffee, so it’s not like it’s hard to remember the order, but still, Minseok brought him coffee. What a good friend. He takes it with a nod of gratitude.

“I thought you were hanging with Jun today.”

Minseok shrugs. “Jun’s taking this freshman he wants to get with, and I thought it’d be weird.”

Kyungsoo can’t help it when his eyes flick to Jongdae, who immediately mouths “I’ll tell you later”. He looks back at Minseok and tries to think of something to say that’s not weird, but really, what can he say?

“Kyungsoo, the party. We should hold it here,” Baekhyun interrupts Kyungsoo’s increasingly frantic thought process. He’s tapping his foot impatiently. Kyungsoo wrinkles his nose. So Baekhyun’s not willing to let this go.

“It’s too small for a big party,” Kyungsoo says reluctantly. It’s a soft, slow pitch of a rejection.

“No problem, we invite only a few, and have an intimate affair. Like Jongin and his crew, and then a few girls for the Straights.” Baekhyun makes the hit.

 Kyungsoo goes for a fast ball, more of a direct rejection. “I don’t want people in my room.”

“Then we lock the door. Your bathroom’s outside, so there’s absolutely no reason why they should need to go in.” Baekhyun replies too easily.

Kyungsoo tries a curve ball, but he’s resigned. “If you want to throw a party that will increase your popularity, shouldn’t you want as many people as possible?”

Baekhyun hits a home run. “We’ll be known for our exclusivity. Like Supreme. It’s not anything amazing, but because they’re always sold out, their popularity increases. We’ll be just like them.”

“Yeah, okay then.” Baekhyun is not to be dissuaded, and Kyungsoo was a fool to try.

Minseok leans in close. “I’ll help you clean up afterwards.”

Kyungsoo smiles to show he appreciates Minseok, but the idea of cleaning wasn’t the reason for Kyungsoo’s unenthusiastic response. He takes another sip of coffee.

Resigned to his fate, as a future party host, he changes the subject. “Why are you guys here?”

“Since Min’s plans fell through, it just seemed like a good idea to hang out. There’s a street fair going on. Thought we might walk around. Why? Do you have plans?” 

“No,” Kyungsoo replies far too quickly, far too guiltily. He hadn’t made a decision about the black hole lecture, but he had been thinking about it much too seriously. It sounds fun. He’d been much more excited than he thought about the black hole pictures, and so he’d ended up reading the Wikipedia article for it, which had left him confused over the lingo used. Since it’s at the community center, that means this lecture has hopefully been written to be palatable to the public, which means Kyungsoo could answer the questions the Wikipedia article had left him with. But still it's Jongin, so Kyungsoo remained on the fence about the issue.

Jongdae looks at him oddly before simply replying, “Great. Do you want to head out then?”

“Sure.”


	22. Week 3, Clip 5

**_Voicemail_ **

_Ryeowook Kim_

_Saturday, April 20, 2019 5:23pm_

_0:43_

**Beep**

_Hey, Kyungie, it’s Wookie. Just talked to Kangin and two weeks from now, we’re going to do the Family game. Everyone’s going to be inviting their significant others, and I know you’re weird about your friends knowing about this side of your life, but I think you should invite them. It’ll be fun. They’ll enjoy seeing you play, and I think it’ll be helpful in the long run. I’m not really in any position to be saying this, but when I told my parents that I played, I felt better. There were no more ifs, you know? Anyway, just think about it okay?_

**End Message**

Baekhyun’s phone audibly dings. Whatever the message is, it puts a scowl on his face. “Aw shit, I forgot. I have to go help my mom clean up. She’s hosting some ‘soiree’ tonight. My bad, guys. I’ve going to have to head out.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t mind. They’ve been out for hours now. He’s getting tired. He’d also like to head home, so he nods. “Sucks, man. I’m sorry. See you, Monday.”

Minseok gives a similar reply. Jongdae claps Baekhyun on the shoulder. “If you don’t want to be around a bunch of stuck-up people tonight, you can sleep over. Mom’ll be cool with it.”

“We’ll see,” Baekhyun replies cryptically. “Anyway, see you guys, Monday.” He waves and jogs off, leaving just the three of them.

Jongdae watches Baekhyun until he’s out of sight. “I think I’ll head out too. The bro wants to watch a movie tonight.”

There are more goodbyes until it’s just Kyungsoo and Minseok standing there. Minseok smiles wryly at him. “I’m guessing you also want to go home?”

Kyungsoo checks the time on his phone. 20 minutes till 7. The black hole lecture is at 7. He doesn’t even think before replying, “I think I need to get groceries. I’m out of coffee.” He doesn’t let himself think through the lie he’s just told or dwell to heavily on the guilt that swirls in his stomach. He doesn’t like lying to Minseok, but he doesn’t want to admit that he’s maybe hanging out with Jongin tonight. Not yet anyway.

Minseok sticks out his tongue and shakes his head. “Chores, gross. I’ll leave you to it then.”

“What are you going to do?”

Minseok shrugs. “There’s this movie I want to see. I’ll probably go see if I can catch it.”

The guilt swirling in Kyungsoo’s stomach lessens. He nods. “Nice, I hope it’s good. See you later?”

“Yeah, yeah, see you later. Have fun with your grocery shopping.” 

At the reminder of his lie, Kyungsoo can only manage a quasi-smile before turning and jogging off. The community center is only four blocks down, but he’s worried about being late. _Late for who,_ his treacherous mind asks, but he ignores it.

Kyungsoo’s surprised when he gets there to see that there are a lot more people than he thought. Maybe a lot of people liked the black hole picture. But still, it’s Saturday night and they’re going to a lecture. That’s kind of weird. Maybe he should go straight in, so he can get a seat. But the question becomes should he text Jongin that he’s inside?

He thinks about it the entire way in and until he sits down somewhere near the middle, and then, without overthinking it, he immediately writes and sends the DM to Jongin without looking it over. There’s no reason to think it over. It’s a lecture and he’ll feel better if he’s sitting with someone he knows. That’s it.

Jongin almost immediately shoots back that Kyungsoo should save 2 seats. Kyungsoo stares at the message, ignoring the smiley face that precedes the message as he tries to figure out who else is coming. Jongin must have a friend who also likes space. Kyungsoo feels conflicted. On one hand, he feels relieved since it won’t be just the two of them. On the other hand, he feels…disappointed? Kyungsoo shakes his head. That’s not right. It’s not disappointment. It’s just awkwardness because he’s going to come into contact with someone he doesn’t know.

He shoots back a reply with where he’s sitting.

Kyungsoo checks the time: 6:55. Jongin’s pushing it. What if he doesn’t make it in time?

“Kyungsoo!” Someone shouts, and Kyungsoo can’t help but look in the direction of what was clearly a child calling his name. 

It’s the blue-haired boy. Jongin’s little brother is running towards him excitedly. “Nini said you might come. I was hoping you would. You redyed your hair! That’s so cool! So what do you think about space? I love it, and this new picture of the black hole is so cool. Did you see the long asteroid that passed by earth a couple months ago? Nini read me an article about how it might be alien technology! Isn’t that cool, and the guy who wrote it is super smart! So it has to be true!”

Hearing Jongin’s brother talk is a little like listening to Baekhyun, but on a sugar high. But Kyungsoo smiles and nods, which just further spurs on the kid, who’s now talking about sails(?) Kyungsoo’s very unsure. 

“Breathe, Tae, breathe. Kyungsoo, this is my brother, Taemin. He’s a very big fan of yours.” Jongin comes in behind Taemin and pats his shoulder, still breathing hard from presumably chasing his brother.

Kyungsoo makes a questioning noise in the back of his throat. Taemin leans forward onto Kyungsoo’s knee, pure adoration in his eyes. “Oh yeah, I talked about you for weeks. You’re red hair was so cool. I begged Mom and Nini to let me dye my hair. I didn’t do red. I don’t really like the color, but I love blue. What’s your favorite color? Is it red or did the place just run out of your favorite color? I thought about yellow for a—”

“Tae, please let him answer," Jongin tells his brother sternly. Taemin doesn’t think any of it, but just lean further onto Kyungsoo’s knee. He’s inches away from essentially being draped across Kyungsoo’s lap.

“I dye my own hair. I really like red.” Kyungsoo replies stupidly. This is the last thing he expected when Jongin said to save 2 seats.

“You dye it yourself? That’s insane. Mom would never, but if you do it, then maybe I can. Nini, can I—” 

“No,” Jongin says instantly. “Kyungsoo’s almost an adult, so he can do what he wants. You’re still 6. Now sit down the lecture’s about to start.”

Taemin wrinkles his nose at the rejection, but he sits down. The lights are starting to dim, and Kyungsoo only manages to briefly make eye contact with Jongin, who smiles embarrassedly at him, before the lights go all the way down.

Halfway through the lecture, the thought occurs to Kyungsoo that this is nice.


	23. Week 4, Clip 1

_Sunday, April 21 st,_2019

_Mr. Bang is a good teacher for not giving up on me and not simply telling me to ‘just talk’. He’s good. His kids are going to turn out great. Even though Mr. Bang changing how I turn in work makes me feel like a failure, logically I appreciate that he does this for me. He really does care that I pass his class._

Someone knocks on his door. Kyungsoo grimaces. This is déjà vu. Someone coming to his apartment, unannounced, and on a Sunday no less, his alone day. He leans the broom against the wall and goes to open the door, hand braced against it as he opens it, just in case it’s Baekhyun again.

It’s Minseok. Minseok, smiling gently at him. Kyungsoo opens the door all the way. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Minseok repeats back, “I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out today, just the two of us. It’s been a long time since we’ve been on a date.”

Kyungsoo wants to say no, but he also wants to say yes. He likes it when it’s just him and Minseok one-on-one. Minseok’s his best friend. But it’s Sunday, and he really does need the day to himself. But Minseok doesn’t know that, and Kyungsoo won’t tell him. So he nods.

“Yeah, sounds fun. Do you have any idea what you want to do?”

“I thought we’d go to that café we like and then maybe to the thrift store. I want a new jacket.”

Kyungsoo nods. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’m always ready to thrift.”

Minseok laughs. “I know you hate shopping, but your enthusiasm is appreciated.”

Kyungsoo grins crookedly at Minseok while he closes the door. Minseok’s plans sound super lowkey, which is good. It’s good. It has to be good, even though he knows he’s super drained from yesterday. He had gone to an ice cream shop with Jongin and Taemin afterwards and listened to Taemin just talk about the lecture for 2 hours. He didn’t get home till after 11.

“How was grocery shopping?” Minseok asks teasingly as they walk down the street toward the café.

“It was grocery shopping. Looks like I’ll be able to eat for another week.” Kyungsoo was extremely lucky that Minseok knocked on his door after he had gone grocery shopping. There’s absolutely no way that Minseok would have believed Kyungsoo needed to go back because he forgot something. Minseok knows he’s too anal for that. “What about your movie?”

Minseok shrugs, “It was okay, but the trailer kind of gave everything away. There was nothing surprising, which is disappointing.”

“What kind of movie was it?”

“It was a horror film, which makes it even more disappointing. The entire point of a horror movie is the surprise of the horror. I should have trusted the critics on this one.”

Kyungsoo hates horror movies, hates them with every fiber in his being. So he makes a noncommittal sound. Minseok spies the café and half-jogs to get there, giving some half-assed excuse about having a headache from caffeine withdrawal. But Kyungsoo only realizes how lame Minseok’s excuse is when he sees the barista. 

The barista is tall and thin with a kind face, Minseok’s type to a T. He greets Minseok by name, which means two things. Minseok’s been here a lot and it’s been a lot longer than Kyungsoo thought. He doesn’t even recognize this barista, and he and Minseok used to come here once a week. 

“Who’s your friend, Min?” The barista’s already grabbed a cup and is writing Minseok’s name on it. Kyungsoo slightly frowns at him. The guy is clearly in college and openly flirting with Minseok, who only turned 17 last month. That’s…iffy.

“This is my best friend, Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, this is Changmin. He started working here about a month ago. Can I get the usual? And Kyungsoo will have a large, black coffee.”

Changmin writes the order on the cup and smiles teasingly at Kyungsoo. “Large, black coffee. A real man’s man, aren’t you?”

Ooo, Kyungsoo does not like that one bit. It’s not a strive to be manlier. It’s simple. Every place can do black coffee, so Kyungsoo will always be able to get his favorite order unlike Minseok who has to go to a coffee shop to get his order of a latte with two pumps of toffeenut. Kyungsoo’s being practical.

“Yeah,” is what he manages to reply. 

Changmin seems to sense his disgruntledness. He doesn’t say another word to him, but goes back to chatting with Minseok. Some date this is turning out to be.

When both of them have their drinks, the sit down at one of the high tables near the window with Kyungsoo facing the door and Minseok facing the counter (Changmin).

“Wanted a date, huh?” Kyungsoo asks, waggling his eyebrows. 

Minseok has the decency to blush.  He scratches at the lid of his drink. “I kept coming in here by myself, and it felt weird. I didn’t want to look desperate, so I thought it’d be fun to come together.” Minseok grabs his hand. “I do want to hang out together though. Minsoo for life.”

“If you grab my hand, he’s going to think we’re dating.”

The speed with which Minseok takes back his hand is laughable. Kyungsoo hides his mirth by taking a sip of his coffee. He hides a grimace. It’s burned. How the fuck did Changmin get hired when he can’t even make plain coffee correctly? 

Kyungsoo pushes his coffee away. He’s not finishing that. “I’m fine with being a decoy as long as he doesn’t come shopping with us.”

Minseok hurriedly reassures him, and they enjoy a relatively nice coffee date that’s only disrupted when Changmin tries to give them free refills. Kyungsoo’s not going to be in this guy’s debt. Especially over crummy coffee. 

The shopping is similar. Kyugsoo and Minseok put on a fashion show for each other that gets horribly off-track when Kyungsoo comes out in neon orange pants and a purple-and-yellow polka dot sweatshirt. The game then becomes who can put together the most horrendous outfit. The sun’s starting to set by the time they leave, playfully arguing over who had the worst outfit. Kyungsoo should leave soon so he can drop by his apartment to pick up his mitt before heading to play. His head is starting to buzz a bit because he’s tired, but he pays it no mind. Minseok has the extraordinary ability of not draining Kyungsoo, so Kyungsoo will be safe. And then playing baseball will get rid of it. He’s safe. 

“Oh hey, look. The street festival’s still going on. I’m hungry. Do you want to try to grab something to eat there? I’m in the mood for fish cakes.” Minseok points down the street to where they can see brightly lit stalls. The smell of fried food permeates the air, and Kyungsoo can feel himself salivate. He’s hungry too, but walking among all those brightly lit stalls are people. Many, many, many people.

“Uh, yeah sure.” 

Kyungsoo follows behind Minseok. He’s more worried now, and the buzzing in his head grows as he consciously begins to grow nervous. He has to stop it before it gets too much. He steers Minseok to the first stall that sells fish cakes, and when they have their fish cakes, he tries to steer Minseok out of the street. But Minseok wants to look around, so Kyungsoo follows after helplessly.

The buzzing grows, which makes Kyungsoo’s mindset frantic, which only increases the buzzing until it grows and grows and grows until it dissipates into silence. And with Minseok pausing in his perusing to throw away his trash, Kyungsoo has to tap on Minseok’s shoulder and pathetically say, “Oh God, Minseok. I’m sorry, but I’m about to cry.” And right as he says that, tears well up quickly and spill down his cheeks. 

he drops to a squat to hide his face as tears start to pour down his face and snot runs out his nose and he starts to sob loudly and choke on his closed throat and minseok is here to just watch me crumple into a pathetic mess

oh, god oh god minseok says youre crying fuck fuck fuck okay okay okay sit on the curb head between your legs shit fuck someones coming over minseok pushes me down on the curb and pushes my head between my legs my eyes are blurry from tears and i cant see a shadow falls on top of me and I cover my mouth to stifle the sobs 

is he okay

yeah yeah just ate something bad

youve got to be careful around here not everythings fresh

yeah yeah for sure well stay here until hes okay enough to walk home thank you for your concern

the man walks off

one of my tears falls to the ground  a single dark circle on the asphalt

fuck fuck fuck i dont have sunglasses wait here a minute

minseok leaves and i just keep choking back tears my throat is tight and my temples are pounding and my eyes sting and my nose keeps dripping

i cant see

minseok comes back and shoves a cheap pair of sunglasses in my hand

put them on

i put them on

come on lets go

minseok steers me behind the stalls and we walk like this me with my head down sunglasses on and minseok behind hands on my shoulders all the way back to my apartment

we stand in front of my apartment door not saying anything

i open the door and close it behind me

through the closed door i say thank you


	24. Week 4, Clip 2

_Tuesday, April 23 rd, 2019_

_I don’t like telling people about my anxiety or that I go to therapy. They always tell me various versions of suck it up or they try to understand but it’s just beyond them. They think I’m broken because I go to therapy. I’m not broken. I’m crumpling under my own weight, but I’m trying to fix it. I’m not broken. I’m trying. I really am, but it’s just not working._

Kyungsoo walks out of his math classroom only to duck back in when he sees Minseok waiting for him. He doesn’t want to talk to him. At least. Not yet. Minseok was nothing but great on Sunday, but Kyungsoo was a wreck and he honestly doesn’t want to deal with the repercussions of Minseok knowing. Minseok saw the worst all at once. How embarrassing.

 His phone buzzes.

**From: Minseok**

Where are you?

Kyungsoo doesn’t reply. He just waits. He’ll talk to Minseok tomorrow. No not tomorrow. Thursday. Yes, he’ll do it Thursday. After he’s talked to Minho about this whole debacle and made a gameplan. Yes, that’s it. Thursday.


	25. Week 4, Clip 3

_Wednesday, April 24 th, 2019_

_I stopped doing the stuff Minho told me to do. It’s so much time, and I’m not good at it, and any effect I thought I had from it is probably just placebo, so what’s the point? I’m not going to get better. I couldn't even hold off a breakdown in front of Minseok._

“So Minseok found out,” Minho repeats back to him, a soft smile on his face. Kyungsoo scowls. He’s not sure what’s so funny about the situation. It’s ridiculous. Minho pats the air soothingly. “I’m not laughing at you, Kyungsoo. I’m just trying to understand what happened. So please tell me what happened.”

“I cried in front of him. I got overwhelmed by all of the people and then I cried, and he freaked out. He took me home. I haven’t talked to him since.” Kyungsoo shrugs when he’s done speaking. It’s not hard to understand. He freaked. Minseok reacted. Kyungsoo’s embarrassed that he got seen.

Minho nods. “And why aren’t you talking to him?” 

Kyungsoo sighs heavily and stares hard at a point behind Minho’s head. He knows why. He doesn’t have to think about it. He knows why, but he wants to say it right. “I feel weak when someone sees me breakdown,” he starts out slowly, “I’m automatically too much trouble now. The cons outweigh the pros. I’m not worth being someone’s friend because I’m so much of a problem. I don’t want to cause anyone any problems, Minho.” Tears have welled up in his eyes. Not enough for him to cry, but enough that he knows that he’s hit a nerve within himself, which means he’s hit the nail on the head about what’s bothering him.

Minho writes something down on his legal pad before looking back up at him. “And you think Minseok thinks this as well?”

There’s a part of Kyungsoo that wants to say yes, but he knows he’s projecting, something that Minho had dinged him for in one of their earliest sessions. It’s not true, and it’s disingenuous to Minseok, his best friend. Minseok has never been anything but kind and caring and lovely, and Kyungsoo’s so lucky to have him as his friend. Minseok doesn’t deserve Kyungsoo’s insecurities.

“No.”

Minho nods, satisfied. “I think that’s right. Now when Minseok ‘freaked’, as you put it, I think he felt useless. It’s surprising. His best friend, who he cares for very much, had a full-blown anxiety attack, something he didn’t know his best friend had, right in front of him, and he didn’t know what to do. I think he was very worried, Kyungsoo. He wanted to help, but he didn’t know how, and so he freaked. He wanted to help and he didn’t think he could. That can be very scary, and now you’re not talking to him. I think he’s probably confused and upset.”

His nose wrinkles before he can stop it. He feels guilty and sad. He doesn’t want Minseok to be sad. Minseok was so sad last semester. He shouldn’t be sad anymore. He just wants to help. But still…

Minho puts the legal pad aside and leans forward to place his elbows on his knees. “Asking for help is the most vulnerable thing a person can ask for, and it’s scary. We don’t want to depend on other people because we view it as a transaction rather than an act of love. Minseok loves you, and he wants to help. It’s a sincere act on his part, Kyungsoo.” 

Kyungsoo hears Minho. He does. He really does, but it’s just words on his part that asks that Kyungsoo act. It asks that Kyungsoo reach out to Minseok and admit that there’s a problem. That Kyungsoo needs help. That Kyungsoo can't do this on his own.

He hates it.

Fingers curl into fists on his knees. He doesn’t want to do it, but if he doesn’t, he risks losing his closest friend. He breathes out heavily, tears blurring his eyes. “Okay.”


	26. Week 4, Clip 4

_Thursday, April 25 th, 2019_

_Seminar’s not a mandatory class. I chose it because I didn’t think I was good at speaking, and I thought it would make me learn to talk. I wanted to challenge myself. Stupid._

Kyungsoo makes himself wait outside of Minseok’s art class. He’s going to talk to him. It’s affecting other things now as well. Kyungsoo had skipped rehearsal yesterday and ignored the texts that had come in as a consequence. It’s clear to everyone now that Kyungsoo is avoiding Minseok.

As people trickle out of the classroom, Kyungsoo slumps against the wall in defeat. It’s looking less and less like Minseok went to 4thperiod today. He hopes that Minseok’s okay and that he hasn’t already royally fucked this up.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin calls out, right as he slides in front of him to also lean against the wall. He looks happy. Kyungsoo takes a few steps back. They’re too close. He leans against the wall. He might as well have this conversation if Minseok’s not here. 

“Hello.”

“So Baekhyun told me that you’re having a party this Saturday,” Jongin leans forward likes he’s telling a secret. Kyungsoo freezes. A party. That stupid party that Baekhyun suggested before Kyungsoo acted like an idiot. That’s still happening and he told Jongin. Jongin in his apartment. He can’t get out of this, can he? No, Baekhyun’s a steamroller. He can’t get out of this.

“Yes,” he replies with the greatest possible reluctance that he can manage.

“Should I bring something?”

These are questions that Kyungsoo’s totally inept to answer. Jongin should ask Baekhyun, a connoisseur of parties. Kyungsoo still views them as social obligations, so he pays the bare minimum attention to them.

“Do you usually?”

Jongin scratches at his ear, “Uh, not usually, but I would like to impress you.”

It’s very forward, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do with that. He blushes hotly and scrubs at his cheek to get rid of it. “I would be very impressed if you didn’t destroy my apartment on Saturday.”

Jongin grins. “I can do that. I can so do that. I’ll tell Sehun as well.”

Sehun? “Sehun? Sehun can’t come to the party.” Kyungsoo scoffs. Why would anyone think that Sehun could come to the party?

“Baekhyun invited him.”

The blush on Kyungsoo’s cheeks reappear for a different reason. His ears burn hot. “It’s my apartment. I don’t want that idiot anywhere near it.”

Now Jongin seems angry. “He’s my best friend. He’s a good guy.”

Kyungsoo practically chokes from the force of his scoff. “A good guy? I know you were probably drowning in the haze of your hookups last semester, but it was Hell for Minseok because of Sehun.  No one talked to him. Everyone blamed him and no one blamed Sehun. It was terrible. I don’t want Sehun at my apartment.”

Jongin stands straight up. “I don’t want to come if Sehun can’t come. He’s my best friend.”

Kyungsoo stands up as well. He’s not going to give into Jongin. He knows he’s right. Minseok didn’t deserve any of that shit. “Then don’t come. You can tell a lot about a person by the friends they have, so I’ve learned a lot about you today, and frankly, I’m not impressed.” 

Jongin clearly clenches his jaw and just stares at Kyungsoo for what feels like eternity. Kyungsoo doesn’t break eye contact. Just glowers back. Whatever thing he has with Jongin is nothing compared to Minseok. Kyungsoo’s never had as good a friend as Minseok. How dare Jongin try to bring Sehun to his party! How dare Baekhyun! Minseok doesn’t deserve that. He may pretend it's fine, but Kyungsoo knows he's still uneasy.

Finally, Jongin turns on his heel and storms away. Kyungsoo lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and looks at the art classroom. It’s empty. Minseok didn’t come out of it. Kyungsoo huffs out a breath and lets himself lean against the wall to slide down to the floor. He rubs the toe of his sneaker through a scuff mark.

What a great fucking day this has turned out to be.


	27. Week 4, Clip 5

_Saturday, April 27 th, 2019_

_Minseok complimented my hair at a party last year. He had just been called a slut by this girl, and even though he felt shitty, he complimented my hair. I had gone to the party because I didn’t know anyone at the school and I thought I needed to meet someone, but it was too much. It was too small a venue, too many people and I think I hated it. But when I saw Minseok, I knew we were similar. He was alone too, coming because he wanted something different. And that was enough for me to talk to him._

The party sucks. It’s not intimate. His apartment is stuffed with teenagers. Minseok’s not there. Yixing had only pulled him aside in the beginning to say that Minseok couldn’t come before he left to go do something else. Jongdae and Baekhyun had given him strained greetings before leaving as well. He can see them in various corners of his apartment drinking and talking, but not with him. The final straw had been opening his door to see Sehun, smiling cheerfully at him, with a six-pack of beer and a greeting of “Baekhyun invited me”. Kyungsoo doesn’t even get a chance to tell Sehun to fuck off before Baekhyun shows up and pulls Sehun in.

Kyungsoo closes the door behind him, so that he’s in the hall, away from the party in his apartment. He sighs heavily. He slides to the floor. He just wants everything to stop.


	28. Week 5, Clip 1

_Sunday, April 28 th, 2019_

_I thought I was dragging myself along rock bottom for the past year by not being able to talk, but that doesn’t really compare to being estranged from my friends. It sucks. And my brain is all too ready to tell me that I’m a burden to them. It’s like I’m back in my parents’ house. I think this is the real rock bottom._

Kyungsoo swings and misses by a mile. He grits his teeth and tightens his grip. Seulgi’s leaning against the cage, fingers tightly gripping the mesh, as she scowls as Kyungsoo’s terrible swing. “You were doing this earlier tonight too. You’re trying to hit the ball on muscle memory. You’ve got to actively focus on the ball. Eye on the ball!”

He can’t feel his fingers; he’s gripping the bat so tightly. He can sense Ryeowook behind him, silently analyzing him. He growls low in his throat and swings again. He misses. 

“Feet, feet!” Seulgi calls out. Kyungsoo widens his stance leaning into his back foot. He waits for the next ball, but the unmistakable beeping sound behind him followed by the slowing whirring of the pitching machine means there won’t be another ball. He groans and lets the bat drop to the ground. He flexes his fingers slowly. They hurt. 

The batting cage door buzzes when it unlocks and Ryeowook and Seulgi both step in. Seulgi picks up his bat and swings it over her shoulder. She smiles softly at him.“ You’ve been distracted all night, and you're wearing a white shirt." Kyungsoo glances down at his attire: a white shirt, jeans, black sneakers and a black baseball cap. He likes this outfit. It makes him feel...clean.

Seulgi does a practice swing with his bat. "Your swing’s not going to get better until you tell us what’s up. Is this about the party in your apartment?”

Kyungsoo picks at the Velcro strap on his batting glove. He wrinkles his nose as he thinks. The party was somewhat troublesome, but he can’t bring himself to be more than a little bothered by it. He had spent a majority of the night on the roof of his building, and had braced himself to come down to a mess. But he suspects that Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Yixing had picked up all the cans and trash, because his apartment was relatively fine. Things were out of order and a little messy, but nowhere near the mass destruction he had anticipated. So that’s fine. It bothers him that Yixing knew Minseok wasn’t coming, but he didn’t.

“I had a breakdown a week ago, and Minseok saw it. He was great about it, but I freaked out, and I haven’t talked to him since. And I talked to Minho about it, and we came up with this gameplan where I would tell Minseok, but I haven’t seen Minseok since Thursday. And he was supposed to come to the party, but he didn’t.” Then there’s the issue with Jongin, which he doesn’t even know how to think about, much less articulate. 

“Have you texted him?” Ryeowook asks immediately. Kyungsoo winces. He has not done that. Doesn’t think he even has the right to text Minseok after ignoring him for a week.

“You should,” Seulgi says in that deceptively innocuous way of hers.

“What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?” It’s a very real fear he has. He’s ignored Minsoek for a week. That’s unacceptable. He’s such a dick. Minseok deserves the best.

Seulgi shrugs. “Then he’ll tell you. Minseok’s a good guy. He’ll be direct if he doesn’t, but I don’t think he will. Minseok cares for you a lot, and even though he might not understand a lot, I think he’ll try. I think you severely underestimate how much people are willing to try to understand you. Moonbyul tried to breakup with me after she told me she was transgender because she didn’t think I’d accept it. She had already decided my answer for me before even talking to me. It’s…disheartening that she didn’t think I’d accept her.”

Kyungsoo’s face twists as he thinks it through. He gets it. He thinks. He’s projecting again. He’s been doing it a lot lately. He does trust Minseok, but Seulgi's right. He's not really acting like it. Fishing his phone out, he drops to his knees and opens his messaging app. “Just ask him to meet up?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook says, “Chances are he’s trying to give you space. You need to take the first step.” 

Kyungsoo aimlessly scrolls up and down his texts before clicking on his text thread with Minseok. 

**To: Minseok**

Can we meet up tomorrow? I need to explain some things to you.


	29. Week 5, Clip 2

_Monday, April 29 th, 2019_

_When I was younger, I cried in front of my father. It was a party and I got overwhelmed. It was in the bathroom, and he left me there. I get it. I would even prefer someone did that to me now. But I didn’t like it when I was younger. I thought I was being punished._

Kyungsoo sits on a park bench. It’s exactly halfway between his apartment and the school. He keeps gripping the edge of the bench and swinging his legs. Minseok never replied, but Seulgi and Ryeowook had convinced him to text Minseok a place and time. So he did. He clearly wasn’t in a place where he could be trusted to make his own decisions.

The text said 5 and now it’s 5:30. Kyungsoo’s going to wait till 6. He can do that. He’s got nothing else to do. But even he’s starting to feel hopeless about the situation. Maybe Seulgi and Minho and Ryeowook are wrong. Maybe Kyungsoo’s fucked up beyond belief. He drops his head. He really is the king of fuck ups.

White sneakers come into view. Kyungsoo looks up quickly. Minseok’s staring down at him, an unreadable expression on his face and an eyepatch over his left eye. Kyungsoo stands up abruptly, hands uselessly raised in front of him, completely concerned. “What happened to your eye?” 

Minseok takes a step back and raises a hand to placate Kyungsoo. “It’s pink eye _._ It’s not a big deal.”

“Ah, okay,” Kyungsoo nods. He didn’t know. Can’t even think how Minseok would get it. He shifts from foot to foot. He doesn’t know how to start.

“Should we sit?” Minseok gestures to the bench. Kyungsoo essentially drops to the bench at his question, which earns him a soft smile from Minseok, who sits down more slowly. 

They don’t say anything for a few minutes. Minseok’s slumped against the bench, staring at a swing set. He seems relaxed, while Kyungsoo’s tense. He can’t go three seconds without looking over at Minseok. His leg starts jittering and then the other and then he’s a pent up ball of nerves. He can feel the words at the back of his throat, right there ready to come out. But something’s stopping him. Abruptly, he folds in on himself, head between his knees. He takes a deep breath then shoots straight up.

“I can’t talk,” he rushes out, and at that admission, he feels tears well up in his eyes. “in class. I don’t know why really, but I can’t, and I hate that I can’t do it. And sometimes it’s overwhelming. And I cry when I talk about it or someone mentions it because it feels like I’m a failure.” Kyungsoo’s crying now and his nose is dripping. “Because it’s just talking right? It’s so fucking easy. But I can’t.” He starts to gag and choke as he talks. “I can’t talk, and it’s been getting worse, and it just sucks a lot. And I wish it wasn’t this bad.” Kyungsoo lowers his head when he’s done talking and bites his lip. There’s a family nearby and he doesn’t want them to see him. 

It’s quiet between them again. The two kids of the family are playing in the sand pit while the parents sit on the adjacent bench. Kyungsoo can’t even sniffle to keep the snot from dripping out for fear of the parents hearing him, so he watches as it drips onto the concrete. He hears Minseok sigh heavily above him. 

“I, uh, took the liberty of looking up the causes of impulsive crying, and after ruling something called pseudobulbar affect, and depression, and a lot of other stuff, out, it became clear that you have some kind of social anxiety. When I read through the symptoms, I recognized some of them in you, and I felt kind of stupid. I feel like I should have realized, you know? You’re my best friend, so I felt like a really bad friend because I didn’t know that you were suffering. And then I thought over some of the stuff I said and I felt bad again because I wasn’t thinking, you know?” 

Kyungsoo’s focused on breathing out of his mouth to quiet his crying, but it still comes out as a sniveling, stuttery mess, which makes his reply, “you couldn’t have known,” come out stuttery as well.

Minseok hums. “Yeah, I though of that too. About how you know a lot about me, but I don’t know a lot about you. You keep a lot of things close to your chest. If we ask something specific, you’ll tell us, but even that’s precisely vague, I realize now. And I get it, I think. You live on your own, you don’t talk about your parents. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that you don’t like to, or don’t think you can, depend on people, and that really sucks, you know? As your best friend, I want to think you can depend on me. And there’s a part of me that’s kind of happy, you know, that I know this about you now. But I realize that you didn’t plan to tell me and that was happened on Sunday was bad luck for you. And I’m sorry that you didn’t get to tell me on your own terms. But I’m not sorry that I know. I want to support you.” Minseok’s voice slows down as he speaks. Kyungsoo can hear the precise articulation of his last sentence.

Kyungsoo breathes out heavily. “I want to have your support, but it’s hard. I don’t want you to see the bad parts of me.” 

Minseok brays with laughter. “Kyungsoo, you stuck by me when I cheated on Jun. You’ve seen terrible parts of me. You know I’m selfish and insecure and seen the stupid mistakes that I’ve made. There were so many times that I thought you would also leave because of all the shitty things I did. But you didn’t, and I want you to know that I won’t leave you either. I don’t know what I can do, but I want to try, Kyungsoo. Will you let me try?”

A fresh set of tears spring forth at Minseok’s questions, but these are nice tears. Kyungsoo’s happy. Minseok’s the best friend he could ever have. He manages a nod and a watery, “yeah.”

Minseok’s relieved laugh sounds a little breathy, “Great, now keep your head down. Don’t want that family to see your ugly-ass crying face.”


	30. Week 5, Clip 3

_Tuesday, April 30 th, 2019_

_I told Minseok. I told Minseok. Someone very important to me. I told him. ~~It feels nice.~~ I feel stronger. I don’t like to tell people because I think it makes me look like a freak and a failure because nothing looks wrong, but something is. So I didn’t tell anyone important to me. I told Ryeowook and Seulgi almost right after I met them since I didn’t have any emotional connection to them. I care for Minseok the most though and the rest of the guys fall closely after that. Even Baekhyun despite his annoying quest for popularity. I think I’ve made a good step in the right direction._

His phone lights up with a notification. It’s a reminder. It’s time for heart breathing. Immediately, he heads to the bathroom. It’s the passing period. He has plenty of time to do the exercise. The bathroom on the 3rd floor is almost always empty since two of the three stalls, and all of the sinks have had “out of order” signs on them all year.

After his talk with Minseok, he felt reinvigorated to try the heart breathing and the meditation again. He’s going to get it right this time. If not for him than for Minseok. But even though he’s convinced he needs to do it, he still doesn’t want anyone to see him do it. He’s made good progress, he thinks, but not that good of progress. So he sequesters himself in one of the stalls with the “out of order” sign on it, and steps onto the toilet seat . He really doesn’t want people to see him.

Properly situated in a position that will make it impossible for anyone to see him do his exercise, Kyungsoo closes his eyes and place his hand on his heart. And then the door opens.

“I don’t know why he’s so pissy,” someone says. Kyungsoo freezes. Why are people in here? It’s objectively the worst bathroom in the school. 

“I mean you slept with his girlfriend,” a voice replies. It’s Sehun. Kyungsoo’s heard enough of that grating voice to last him a lifetime.

“He should be mad at his girlfriend.” The other one complains.

“He’s rightfully mad at both of you. Come off it, man, are you really surprised that he’s not talking to you?” This is the most intelligent Kyungsoo’s ever heard Sehun be. Most of the time he’s the biggest moron.

The other guy starts and stops until he finally says, “I guess not. I just didn’t think it’d be that big a deal. They’ve been going out a week.”

Sehun doesn’t reply, just goes into the only working stall. Kyungsoo’s very glad that he chose the stall at the end.

“Well, anyway, he’s mad at me, so I guess that I’ll have to wait it out. Anyway, what were we talking about?”

“What you did this weekend,” Sehun replies. He’s peeing.

“Oh, right. Well, that’s what I did. What did you do?”

Sehun makes a noncommittal noise. “Nothing much. I went to a party on Saturday, and then hung out with Jongin for like five minutes before he got angry with me and stormed off.”

The voice chuckles. “What’d you do?”

“I have no idea. I was just telling him about the party, and then he got angry and left.”

“Jongin’s pretty chill. There’s got to be more to is than that.”

Sehun finishes his business and leaves the stall. “I mean he told me that he thought we shouldn’t go to the party, but, like, that 3rd year he slept with last semester invited me personally, so I thought I should go. So I did. I don’t know why he didn’t want to. It was a decent party.”

“That’s so weird. He’s been acting differently lately though. I wonder what’s wrong.”

Sehun snorts. “Nothing’s wrong. He needs to get laid. Come on. Park won’t let us in the room if we’re late.”

Kyungsoo hears the door swing open. He hears them walk out, but still waits another 30 second before breathing out heavily. That was close. He shakes his head and tries to start his exercise again, but the conversation keeps repeating itself in his head. Why was Jongin angry? He shakes his head again, grits his teeth, and focuses on the visual of breathing through his heart. He needs to be able to focus. He wants to focus. He wants to get better.


	31. Week 5, Clip 4

_Thursday, May 2 nd, 2019_

_When someone doesn’t comment on my inability to speak in class, it almost feels like I don’t have anxiety. Like there’s nothing wrong with me. Like I’m almost a whole person, but then because they don’t say anything, I don’t feel pressured to talk and eventually, I round myself back into thinking that I’m an inept piece of fuckery that can’t talk in class and that my classmates are also annoyed that I don’t talk. It always comes back to me being a failure of a student, and then the buzzing will start._

Minseok’s shoulder is sort of bony, but Kyungsoo keeps his head on it anyway. He wants to be close. After their talk on Monday, Kyungsoo feels embarrassingly needy. He wants to be in close contact with Minseok all the time. There’s a lot of feelings behind this desire. He wants to show Minseok he appreciates him for dealing with him, that he’s still by Kyungsoo’s side, that he’s sorry for ignoring him for a week, that Kyungsoo definitely trusts him and will try to be honest. But that’s too many words that Kyungsoo wouldn’t be able to express in any meaningful way, so he settles for putting his head on Minseok’s shoulder and playing with his fingers.

His behavior hadn’t gone unnoticed by the rest of their friends, but all of them knew better than to comment on it. They just took it as permission to be physically affectionate with him as well, which has resulted in Yixing’s head being in his lap while Jongdae leans against his legs and Baekhyun leaning on Minseok’s other shoulder. They’re just enjoying the sun in the final minutes before 5th  period. It’s almost ridiculous how much Kyungsoo enjoys their current position. He’s never been into physical affection. No one in his family hugs and even him and Ryeowook only share highfives. What they’re doing now, this cuddling(?), is insane. Unprecedented. He can’t believe the difference in himself between now and last week.

“We should practice today,” Baekhyun suggests, but it lacks conviction. The sun’s been behind the clouds for the last couple of weeks, and they’d be fools not to soak up as much sun as possible.

“Can’t. I’ve got practice,” Yixing replies. His eyes are closed and he’s practically purring.

“We’ve got time. The performance is in 3 weeks,” Jongdae slurs. He’s almost asleep against Kyungsoo’s bony knees. Kyungsoo’s a little worried that it’s uncomfortable for him.

“Isn’t it 4?” Minseok asks. He’s the most awake of the five of them. A text thread with Junmyeon is open on his phone.

Kyungsoo can Jongdae shrug against his legs. “Who knows? We’ve got time regardless.”

The conversation, if you could call it that, dies out as lazily as it started. Kyungsoo feels great under the warmth of the sun. Imagines it soaking into his being, a parody of an exercise Minho asks him to do, and does feel somewhat lighter. The exercise is supposed to help instill the quiet sense of confidence that Kyungsoo doesn’t feel enough, if at all.

There’s an interruption of the calm silence they’re in by a small group of students walking by. Someone laughs, and Kyungsoo cracks his eyes open to look at them. He recognizes that laugh.

It’s Jongin with his usual group of friends. One of them is out in front of the rest, pantomiming something, which sends all of them into laughter. Jongin laughs the loudest.

“Why are they so loud? They’re seniors aren’t they? Shouldn’t they be studying for some sort of test?” Yixing grouses before turning so that his back is to them. He nuzzles into Kyungsoo’s thigh.

Kyungsoo doesn’t reply because Jongin had turned lazily and then more purposefully, once he saw Kyungsoo, to look at him, laughter dying on his lips. Kyungsoo can’t read the expression that runs across his face, but it makes him uncomfortable all the same. He lowers his gaze and makes eye contact with Yixing, who’s looking up at him curiously. Kyungsoo shakes his head. A clear sign that say _later_. Yixing nods and stretches his neck so that he can look across Minseok to Baekhyun.

“Not going to mention your boy toy?”

Baekhyun shrugs, head still on Yixing’s shoulder. Minseok takes his hand from Kyungsoo’s grasp and adjusts the brightness on his screen. “Jun’s inviting us to his parents’ party.”

Kyungsoo can’t see it, but he can feel all of them grimace at the proposal. “I don’t want to hang around other people’s parents,” Jongdae complains.

“Yeah, we should do something, just the five of us. It’s been a while.” Kyungsoo proposes, well aware that it’s his fault that they haven’t hung out together. “I’m doing something on Sunday. You guys should come.” Kyungsoo falters a bit in his speech. He’s wary about inviting them to watch him play baseball. But if Minseok thinks that he knows nothing about him then the others probably think the same. He doesn’t want to be disconnected from them. He really does want to be their friend, so he can do this. He can let them in on this aspect of his life.

“Will you be telling us this thing?” Jongdae asks, clearly amused.

“You’ll see. I’ll send you the address.”


	32. Week 5, Clip 5

_Friday, May 3 rd, 2019_

_Baseball was something that my host family’s son got me into. He played for the Junior Varsity team. His dream was to get on the Varsity team as a junior, so whenever he wasn’t at practice, he would be at the house watching baseball videos and reading about baseball. He ate and breathed baseball, and so to get along with him, I would play baseball and watch baseball with him. I’m really grateful that he introduced me to it._

He’s out of ramen, a rare thing for him to be out of. He buys in bulk, and he means bulk. Two of his cupboards are filled to the brim with ramen usually. He thought he could make it until Sunday to restock, but he bets that Ryeowook and Seulgi came in and took some. He should really start locking his window.

The grocery store is pretty busy for a Friday evening. Lots of families rushing around trying to get the junk food for the weekend. Kyungsoo keeps his head down as he weaves his way through them until he gets to the ramen aisle. He stares at all the packets like he’s actually thinking about which flavor he wants. He’s eaten ramen every day for the past six years, and he’s only ever eaten the chicken flavor. The real question is how much is he going to get. He didn’t bring a basket with him, so he can’t really load up like he usually does. He also wants to get ice cream, so that should also factor into how much ramen he carries.

Kyungsoo nods to himself as he decides. He’ll get two pallets for now, and then get the rest on Sunday. With the pallets stacked on top of each in his arms, he now swerves between people to get to the ice cream aisle. There’s significantly more people in this aisle.

The ice cream shelves look like they’ve been mostly raided, and Kyungsoo has to squat down to see what’s at the very back of the shelves. He’s not very obscure in his tastes. His favorite flavor is vanilla bean, a flavor that looks mostly untouched.

With the pint placed as firmly as possible on top of the ramen pallets as possible, Kyungsoo maneuvers his way to the self-checkout, where there is a hell of a line. He joins the end of the line, resigned to wait as long as he has to. The cashier-manned checkouts are running faster, but he’s not in the mood to act awkwardly in front of a stranger.

“Kyungsoo!” Shouts the unmistakable high-pitched, little voice of a small blue-haired boy. Kyungsoo inwardly groans before turning around with a pained smile. There’s absolutely no way Taemin’s here by himself.

“Taemin, hey!”

Taemin’s blue hair flops as he runs up to Kyungsoo, deliriously happy grin on his face. Jongin trails behind him more slowly. Taemin trips over himself to stop right in front of Kyungsoo. “Kyungsoo! I didn’t see you yesterday.”

“Minho and I finished up early.”

Taemin nods eagerly, way too excited for what Kyungsoo’s just said. “Oh, okay. I thought maybe you were fixed.”

Oh, oh, oh, Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to deal with that. At 17, he’s barely accepted the idea that there’s no such thing as fixing anxiety. There’s no way to communicate this idea to a kid, so he just shakes his head. “No, I don’t think I’ll be fixed for a long time.”

Taemin holds up his hands, which are covered in bandaids. “Yeah, me either. Nini, it’s Kyungsoo!” Taemin holds up his hands. Jongin squats down to pick Taemin. Taemin’s leg catches onto Jongin’s shirt and drags it up, allowing Kyungsoo to witness the sight of muscle rippling under smooth, tanned skin. He swallows thickly and drops his eyes 

“Hello, Kyungsoo.” The one saving grace about this situation is that Jongin seems just as awkward as Kyungsoo feels about this situation.

“Hello.”

“Can Kyungsoo come to dinner with us?” Taemin asks, big eyes glistening with want. Neither Kyungsoo nor Jongin can make eye contact with each other. Jongin clearly doesn’t want to say no to his kid brother, and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to go. He lifts the ramen in his arms as an excuse. 

“I’ve got to get these back to my house.” 

Taemin’s eyes go wide as he looks at the ramen. “Your mommy lets you eat ramen? Our mommy won’t. She says it’s bad for you.”

“I don’t live with my parents,” Even before he finished saying it, Kyungsoo winces. Fuck, he shouldn’t have said that.

Jongin looks shocked. Taemin doesn’t. His eyes sparkle. “You live by yourself? I wish I lived by myself. Then I could eat all cookies and ice cream that I wanted.”

Kyungsoo falters a bit before nodding because yeah, Taemin’s right. He could do that. Kyungsoo sometimes does it. It is kind of fun to have that ability.

“Uhh, maybe not tonight, but would you like to have dinner with us tomorrow?” Jongin sounds hesitant, but Taemin leaps on it. “Yeah, Mom’s having dinner tomorrow with us tomorrow too. You should definitely come. I’ve told her all about you!”

Oh God, how can Kyungsoo say no to his biggest fan? Especially when he looks so eager. “Uh, yeah, sure. Thanks.”


	33. Week 5, Clip 6

_Saturday, May 4 th, 2019_

_The concept of being broken is an unhealthy one. The idea was first presented by Minho, but I’ve come around to it myself. I didn’t like it at first. I did think I was broken, but that’s a bad way to look at it. Because to be broken means I can be fixed, and I don’t know what that would look like with anxiety. To be completely rid of anxiety? That’s improbable and impossible. Everyone has anxiety, and everyone will always have anxiety. There’s nothing to fix, only manage._

There’s a certain amount of horror in waking up to 20 unread messages from a group chat ominously titled “Baekhyun’s Birthday”. There’s even more horror in seeing the timestamps on all the messages being between 3 and 4am and plans to go get Baekhyun a birthday present at 10am.

The clock reads 9:27. Kyungsoo doesn’t set an alarm for Saturdays. He groans and pulls the blanket over his head. Why are they making plans so early? There’s so much time in the day to get Baekhyun a birthday present. He jolts up, panicked. No, there’s not a lot of time in the day to get Baekhyun a birthday present. Kyungsoo has to show up at the Kim’s at 5 for dinner.

He checks the location that Jongdae sent over. It’s 20 minutes from his apartment. He groans again and gets out of bed. The hardwood floor is too cold for May. He hops across to the plastic drawers where he keeps his clothes and picks out a white t-shirt. His closet is full of plaid button downs, and he reaches for his favorite gray-and-black on, before realizing that he’s probably going to have to go straight to Jongin’s house from gift shopping. He reaches for the one button down that’s not plaid: blue with white stripes. It’s stiff for disuse. Kyungsoo hates this shirt. The rest of his shirts are flannel or cheap cotton. This is arguably the nicest shirt he owns. A gift from his dad for getting into the Seoul Academy. He shrugs it on. It feels starchy. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t let himself linger on the shirt anymore. Just hop-skips over to where his jeans are thrown over a chair and tugs them on.  Socks and shoes quickly follow. In the bathroom, he puts on his glasses and takes stock of his appearance. His hair’s a mess, but a few quick run-throughs with his fingers gets it in a basic semblance of neatness. He stands there for a few seconds, considering whether or not he should put in contacts, whether or not he should put gel in his hair. Eventually he shakes his head. There’s too many inferences that can be pulled if he shows up to Jongin’s house looking too nice. He doesn’t want to deal with that.

The bus is late, and he arrives at the meet-up spot 5 minutes late. The other 3 are already there. Jongdae’s bouncing agitatedly on the balls of his feet. Kyungsoo’s never seen him so nervous.

“Kyungsoo, come on. We’ve got to get Baekhyun’s present before 3.” 

“Why 3?” Kyungsoo shouts, but he manages to do a half jog to get him to Jongdae and co. a little quicker.

“I’m meeting up with Baekhyun at 3. And I want to give it to him at your thing tomorrow, which you still haven’t told us about,” Jongdae’s on the brink of being angry with him.

“I’ll send you the location tomorrow. Just keep your schedule open at 7. Why didn’t Baekhyun tell us about his birthday? It sounds like something he’d really be into.”

Jongdae shrugs off the question. “He’s always been weird about it. Who knows? Anyway, I want to get him a good present. He really likes clothes.”

Yixing immediately shakes his head. “I can’t afford to get him something from Balenciaga.”

“Can any of us?” Minseok asks.  “What about a leather jacket? He was talking about wanting one.”

“Still expensive,” Yixing complains.

Kyungsoo thinks of the money in his bank account that his parents deposit each month, and how it’s mostly untouched. His only luxury purchase is his therapy with Minho. There’s plenty of money for him to splurge and still live comfortable. “Don’t worry about money. Contribute what you can, and I’ll cover the rest.”

A lot goes unspoken, but Kyungsoo’s sure his friends are very good at reading between the lines by now. Jongdae nods quickly, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s good. Thanks Kyungsoo.”

“No problem, where do we get a leather jacket?”

Minseok laughs. “We can get a leather jacket just about anywhere. The problem is where are we going to find one that Baekhyun likes. He’s picky about style. He doesn’t like bomber jackets.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s go. We can window shop. I think the right jacket will speak to us,” Jongdae says already walking. Kyungsoo guesses all that frenetic energy has to go somewhere.

Jongdae really means that the right jacket will speak to them because for the next 5 hours he rejects all sorts of leather jackets for the most arbitrary reasons. ‘This one isn’t black enough”, “this zipper on the sleeve is ugly”, “he’ll look like an extra in _Grease”_ , and Kyungsoo’s favorite “Baekhyun has taste, Minseok”.  Until finally they decide upon a pretty classic style with an asymmetrical zipper and no epaulets. It’s 2:55. They took 5 hours to find one jacket. Kyungsoo can’t believe that they spent 5 hours to find one leather jacket.

Jongdae hands the jacket to Kyungsoo. “Please keep this in you apartment and bring it to school on Monday. I want us to give it to him on Monday, his actual birthday.”

Kyungsoo nods, because what else can he do? Jongdae’s never been so passionate about anything. Why should he ruin that?


	34. Week 5, Clip 7

_Saturday, May 4 th, 2019_

**_From: Seoul Preparatory Academy OPPD_ **

**_CC: Bang, Jimin_ **

**_To: Do, Kyungsoo_ **

_Dear Mr. Do,_

_As an upcoming senior, it is required that your parents come into discuss your college plans. Given your circumstances, if you parents are not able to make it, an email from them will suffice. Please email us what you plan to do no later than May 10 th._

_Sincerely,_

_Park Jieun_

_Secretary_

_Office of Professional and Personal Development_

Kyungsoo scratches at the silver-wrought design on the fork. He’s so nervous. It’s only been an hour, but it feels like it’s been days. Mrs. Kim had greeted him at the door, eyes immediately going up to his red hair. Kyungsoo could tell she didn’t like his hair. It’s had been downhill from there. Taemin had popped up behind his mom and all but dragged him into the dining room where the table had been set for dinner. There were candles lit on the table and Jongin was in a button-down that was tucked into his jeans. Kyungsoo had been mortified to be so underdressed. His first few seconds at the table had been him trying to surreptitiously trying to button his shirt up. 

Now he’s eating meatloaf, praying that he can get out within the next hour. He’s bad with parents, and he’s already made a bad impression on Mrs. Kim by having red hair. There’s no doubt that Taemin has told Mrs. Kim about the red-haired boy who made him want to dye his hair blue. That’s another strike against him. He’s already lost. 

“So Kyungsoo, how long have you been going to therapy?” Mrs. Kim asks. This is the nth question of a number of questions about therapy that she’s asked him. It’s not really dinner conversation or any conversation you have as strangers, but Kyungsoo’s answered all questions dutifully. She’s a stranger. He doesn’t care about telling strangers. He just has to pretend that Jongin isn’t there.

“I’ve been going since I got back to Korea, so about 8 months. Minho was recommended by my upstairs neighbor,” Kyungsoo stabs at a pea. This is a meal his host family would serve a lot. It’s weird to have it here in Korea. 

“I’ve been going since I was 6.” Taemin proclaims proudly. Kyungsoo smiles at him. He wishes he could be that shameless with his own anxiety.

“What do your parents think of it?” Mrs. Kim asks. She’s looking at him expectantly like she already knows the answer. And maybe she does. She’s a nurse. She’s probably very aware of the stigma here in South Korea.

“They don’t know. I live on my own. My parents live near Busan, where they work at one of the teaching hospitals. I don’t wish to bother them, so I didn’t tell them.” It’s a minor lie. 

Mrs. Kim just hums and takes a bite of mashed potatoes. Kyungsoo picks at his meatloaf. There’s olives in it. He doesn’t like that.

“Jongin and you go to the same school. Do you ever see each other around?”

Kyungsoo’s sitting across from Jongin, which gives Kyungsoo a perfect vantage point to see Jongin choke on his food, panic alight in his eyes. Kyungsoo shrugs, “Sometimes. We don’t share any classes, but we see each other in the hall.” He’s not stupid. He’s not going to tell Mrs. Kim that her son’s an asshole playboy who slept with his friend. He’s not that tactless.

Mrs. Kim nods. From what Kyungsoo’s seen, she’s very fond of nonverbal responses. She looks over at the mantle where an old-fashioned alarm clock sits, and checks the time. She nods to herself before wiping her hands and standing up. “My shift at the hospital starts soon, so I, unfortunately, must cut this short. Jongin, why don’t you walk Kyungsoo to the bus stop? Minnie, why don’t you help Mom clear the table?”

“I want to walk with Kyungsoo,” Taemin whines at the same time Kyungsoo and Jongin try to refuse. Mrs. Kim shoots them each a look that instantly has them quelling in their seats. Meekly, Taemin gets up and starts collecting the plates. Kyungsoo watches him collect plates for a few seconds before reluctantly waving goodbye so he and Jongin can walk to the bus stop.

“See you on Wednesday, Tae.” 

Taemin smiles gummily at him. “See you on Wednesday, Kyungsoo! Nini, when you get back can we watch the dancing show?” 

Jongin smiles fondly at Taemin, “Yeah, of course, buddy.” He turns to Kyungsoo with all the fluidity of an automaton. “Let’s go.” Kyungsoo follows behind quietly.

The outside air is dry and hot. Already summer’s starting to set in. Kyungsoo walks in step with Jongin, mentally counting down the blocks until the bus stop, all too aware of Jongin walking next to him.

“Taemin’s really glad you could come to dinner. It’s all he would talk about today, so thanks,” Jongin finishes lamely. 

Kyungsoo nods, “No problem. Thanks for having me. I was happy to see him again.”

Jongin nods. They fall into silence. Kyungsoo tries to think of something he can ask Jongin about Taemin, their one connection. “Taemin has a lot of bandaids on his hands,” he comments before he can stop himself. He curses himself in his head. He should have kept his mouth shut. That’s too personal. He should have asked what Taemin’s favorite dinosaur is. 

“Taemin scratches his hands until they bleed when he’s anxious. His hands haven’t been completely healed in over two years. Our dad used to shout at him when he was younger, which made it worse. They divorced last year, and Mom put Taemin in therapy around the same time.” Jongin’s tone is conversational like he hasn’t just dropped this emotional bombshell upon Kyungsoo. There’s nothing to say to that. What could Kyungsoo possibly say to that? What could anyone possibly say to that? 

So he doesn’t say anything. They walk another block in silence. There’s only 2 more until Kyungsoo gets to the one that will take him directly home. The sun is only just now setting. Jongin glows in the fading light.

“Sehun went to the party.”

Kyungsoo almost jumps at the suddenness of Jongin’s voice. “Yeah, but it didn’t matter since Minseok didn’t come either.” 

Jongin nods. “Ah yeah, I saw the eyepatch. Pinkeye?”

Kyungsoo nods. “Yeah.”

They fall into silence again.

The bus stop is empty when they arrive. The next bus isn’t due for another 10 minutes. They sit next to each other, centimeters apart, and wait. When they see Kyungsoo’s bus turn onto the street, Jongin clears his throat. Kyungsoo looks at him curiously.

“While I’m not willing to admit that Sehun’s a bad person, I am willing to say that he was a dick by coming to that party when you didn’t want him too and that stuff with Minseok. And I understand where you’re coming from.”

Kyungsoo stares at him, mind terrifyingly blank. Jongin’s backing down. This is essentially an apology. Kyungsoo’s getting an apology from Kim Jongin. 

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo offers lamely. It’s not the appropriate response, but Kyungsoo hardly ever knows what the appropriate response is.

“I’d like to hang out together sometime next week. I want it to be a date.” Jongin’s sitting with his back completely straight and his fists curled, not looking at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo watches his bus pull up, listens to the air escape as it comes to a complete stop and the squeaking of the door as it folds open. All the while trying to understand the gravity of the situation before him. Only when the bus driver shouts to ask him if he’s getting on or not, does Kyungsoo respond, “I think I’d like that too," before dashing onto the bus, not daring to look at Jongin.


	35. Week 6, Clip 1

_Sunday, May 5 th, 2019_

_Taemin’s probably the youngest person I’ve ever met with anxiety. It’s insane to think that he has it so bad that he has to see Minho. He’s like 7, 8 at the most. He has physical repercussions to his anxiety. That’s way worse than mine, and I know it’s not a contest, but…scratching until you bleed. I just cry._

Kyungsoo pulls his hand out of his glove and shakes it. It’s super sweaty and Mark had thrown the ball really hard, so it stings a bit too. He looks out over the bleachers. They’re filling up with people. He can see Seulgi’s girlfriend, and Ryeowook’s family and brother. But not his friends. He wonders if he texted them the location too late or they decided not come when he texted them "Field 7". It is hot today, and the sun beats harshly down on his neck. Kangin’s arms are already turning red. Maybe they don’t want to be in the sun.

“Kyung, throw it back. Kangin said you were veering left last week," Mark shouts. Kyungsoo throws the ball back. It’s straight and true, which is how it should be. Last week was just bad for Kyungsoo. He struck out at the plate and missed a lot of easy balls. But now it’s alright because Minseok knows and still wants to be his friend. Except they’re not here yet. And the game starts in 10. 

Still, Kyungsoo makes himself continue warming-up with Mark. Regardless if they come or not, Kyungsoo still has to play.

Kangin calls them all into the dugout for a last minute huddle. They’re fielding first.

“Okay guys,” Kangin starts, “this is supposed to be a fun game where we all play and just enjoy the presence of our families here to watch, but if you think for a second that I’m okay losing to the Rebels, then you need to leave. We haven’t lost a game to the Rebels in over 3 years, and we’re not starting today. So yes, enjoy that your family is here, but do not take it easy. We’re going to win. Got it?”

“Got it,” the team replies back in unison.

“Already, hands in. Misfits on 3. 1, 2, 3,—“

”Misfits!” They scream raising their hands.

“Alright, now head out there!” Kangin roars back, already breathing hard from adrenaline.

Kyungsoo jogs out of the dugout and across the grass to leftfield. He bounces lightly on the balls of his feet. He’s a little nervous. Even without his friends here, there’s still way more people than normal. They’re not a team in a league in a true sense. According to Ryeowook, five years ago, Kangin and some others just started reserving the baseball fields, and then others joined until now they’re here. They don’t keep track of who wins or loses. Well, they’re not supposed to. Kangin’s too competitive not to. As is Kyungsoo. They’ve only lost once since he joined the team five months ago. He wants to keep it that way.

Ryeowook’s on the mound watching Dongwoon come up to bat. The game’s about to start. First pitch is always the most excruciating moment of the game for Kyungsoo. It sets the pace. Kyungsoo pounds his fist into his glove. Almost. 

Ryeowook winds up and throws. A fastball. He’s starting off easy. Dongwoon catches it with the top of the bat. It flies backward. Foul.

Kyungsoo groans. That’s not a very good start. He looks back over the crowd. It’s fuller now. More people have piled in. Even when he’s wearing his glasses, it’s hard to see anyone’s faces clearly. But he thinks he sees four guys shuffling in with pieces of white cardboard(?) They don’t look old, but not like kids either. They look like they could potentially be highschool students, who are his friends. Maybe. 

“Strike!” The Umpire calls. Kyungsoo focuses back on the infield. Dongwoon taps his bat against his cleats before squaring up again. Ryeowook pitches again. It’s too low. Ball. 

Kyungsoo grinds his teeth. This isn’t a good start at all.

Ryeowook catches the ball and tilts his head back and forth, his own personal calming technique. He must not be happy either. He and Wendy, their catcher, go back and forth in their communications. Ryeowook’s not happy with anything she’s suggesting. Finally he winds up and pitches. Dongwoon swings and hits it. Kyungsoo can hear the _Ba-ting_ of the ball hitting the bat from back here. It’s going to go far. It’s at least a double.

The ball comes flying through the air towards centerfield. Chaeyoung bounds up to catch it. She positions herself right under where she knows it’ll fall (a special skill of hers) and closes her glove when the ball lands neatly in it. Dongwoon’s out. 

The Misfits’ side of the bleachers clap at the play, but four boys start cheering their lungs out, and even Kyungsoo can see from this distance when white cardboard goes up to proclaim that **DO KYUNGSOO IS #1.** Kyungsoo can’t stop the smile that blooms on his face. He holds his mitt in front of his face to hide his smile and the giggles that threaten to overcome him. They probably can’t tell who’s who out here when they’re all wearing baseball caps and gray shirts, so they probably think he’s the on who caught it. But who cares?

They came!

The rest of the game flies by in an adrenaline fulled haze. The Misfits pick up the pace a bit and start to play better. Kyungsoo manages to hit a double while Seulgi hits a triple allowing him to score. The Rebels get two runs off Gikwang in the 7th inning, but it doesn’t matter. The game ends 3-2 in favor of the Rebels. 

All of the family members runs onto the field when the game’s over to celebrate the players. Kyungsoo just barely getting to say hello to Moonbyul before he’s tackled by his friends.

“Baseball, baseball! You’re athletic? How come you never told us?” Baekhyun screams at him. 

Kyungsoo shrugs. Jongdae pushes Baekhyun out of the way, and pulls him into a hug. “It doesn’t matter. That’s so cool. I've always wanted to know what you do on Sundays.”

“Baseball wold never have occurred to me. I didn't even know you liked the sport,” Yixing says, patting Kyungsoo on the shoulder. “But you did good, man.”

“Thanks, Xixi.”

He turns to Minseok and pulls him into a hug. Minseok hugs him back just as tightly. “You were really keeping a lot of secrets from me,” Minseok whispers into his ear. Kyungsoo pulls back and rubs at his neck. He smiles sheepishly. “I’m trying to fix that.”


	36. Week 6, Clip 2

_Monday, May 6 th, 2019_

_I think I read somewhere that even if you know something’s placebo effect, the placebo effect still works. I think it’s happening with the meditation and the heart breathing stuff. Everything doesn’t seem quite as hopeless, and the noting Minho wants me to do seems similar. The bad thoughts that tend to swarm have less authority than usual. It just seems important that I catch it early. It’s only been a week though for the meditation. Over a month for the noting though, which is surprising._

“Kyungsoo, you could be a pro baseball player,” Baekhyun comments idly, his head resting on Kyungsoo’s lap. Kyungsoo cards his finger through Baekhyun’s hair while he laughs.

“No, I couldn’t. I’m not even that good a leftfielder.”

Baekhyun hums. “I don’t know what that is, but I think you’re great at it.”

“Did you even know where I was on the field yesterday?”

“Nope,” Minseok interrupts. “We only figured out it was you when your cap flew off when you slid into home. Until then we cheered for anyone who was vaguely male.”

“The first person you cheered for was Chaeyoung.” 

“Her hair was short!” Minseok says defensively.

Kyungsoo hums, “Because that’s how we distinguish between genders. Anyway, I liked your sign.”

“That’s good. It took us 3 tries to get us right. Xixi doesn’t know how big letters should be,” Baekhyun tries to whap at Yixing, who has his head in his biology textbook.

Yixing squawks and looks up. “It’s not my fault Kyungsoo’s name is so fucking long. It’s got 3 Os. That’s too many Os. The real reason we were late is that Baekhyun parked us at the opposite end of the sports park.”

Now it’s Baekhyun’s turn to squawk in protest. “How the hell was I supposed to know that the Field 7 was on the opposite end? The fields aren’t clearly marked.” 

“There was a sign when we entered the park that showed which way Field 7 was, but Baekhyun was too busy trying to dance to the song on the radio,” Minseok whispers in Kyungsoo’s ear. “But we won’t hold it against him.” Kyungsoo stifles a laugh. He doesn’t really care that they were late. Not when they gave him the sign to keep. He hasn’t told them this, but he pinned it up above his bed. They don’t need to know how sappy he is.

“Jongdae will tell you that the fields weren’t clearly marked. Where is he? He disappeared a while ago.”

Jongdae had disappeared after Kyungsoo told him his locker combination so he could get Baekhyun’s present out of it. Kyungsoo’s locker is across from the library on the second floor, which takes some time to get to. But Baekhyun’s right, it’s been awhile now.

Minseok shrugs. “Who knows, man? Maybe he got stopped by Kim Senior. You know how he likes to talk.”

Baekhyun most likely would have responded if Jongdae hadn’t shown up that moment and dropped the bag on Baekhyun’s face. Baekhyun grunts in surprise from underneath it. Yixing sends Jongdae a scathing look. Jongdae shrugs.

Baekhyun holds onto the bag, so it doesn’t slide off when he sits up. He looks at it quietly, runs his thumb over the name of the boutique embossed on the side. “What is it?” His voice is very quiet.

“A present,” Jongdae says, voice short and clipped. Kyungsoo, Minseok, and Yixing all look at him in surprise. They thought for sure that he’d be more excited about this.

“For what?”

“Your birthday.”

“Oh.”

The exchange between the two friends is uncomfortable, and Minseok must feel it too because he jumps in. “Well open it. It’s from all of us. Happy Birthday, Baekhyun!”

“Happy Birthday!,” Kyungsoo and Yixing echo excitedly as Baekhyun, slowly, starts to open it. He reaches into the bag and pulls out the jacket neatly wrapped in tissue paper. He unfolds it one piece of paper at a time, neatly refolding the paper and setting it off to the side. Finally, the glossy black of the leather is seen, and only then do Baekhyun’s eyes grow wide with excitement. He rips through the last few layers and holds the jacket up in front of him. “Oh my God, oh my God, this is great! Amazing! I love it so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” He hugs the jacket to his chest before standing up abruptly and putting it on. He admires the way his arms look in it before leaping onto Jongdae and pulling him into a hug. His mouth is moving, but Kyungsoo can’t hear what he’s saying.

Eventually Baekhyun and Jongdae break apart and Baekhyun turns to hug the rest of them. Kyungsoo tries to hug as tightly him as tightly as he can. He’s bad with words. But Baekhyun’s not. He’s chattering excitedly again, heaping on thanks. Something behind him moves, and instinctively Kyungsoo’s gaze moves to see it.

It’s Jongin, talking on his phone. When he sees Kyungsoo, he raises a hand in a wave that Kyungsoo hesitatingly returns. Jongin smiles at him briefly before going back to focusing on his phone call.

Kyungsoo feels arms wrap around him from behind, and sees Minseok rest his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “Still more secrets, huh?” 

“We’re going on a date this week,” Kyungsoo replies. No more secrets from Minseok. It's Kyungsoo's new rule going forward.

Minseok squeezes his waist. “What an unexpected secret. I expect you to tell me how it goes.”

Kyungsoo wrinkles his nose. “Yeah, okay.”


	37. Week 6, Clip 3

_Wednesday, May 8 th, 2019_

_The writing thing that Bang is having me do is cool(?), I guess. I think I’m good at it. Like I really do think I’m good at it. Mr. Bang even said I was good at it. I also kind of like it. Because my mind is always blank in seminar, I thought I didn’t actually have anything to say about the text, but that’s not true. I do have thoughts about our readings, and even though I don’t think they’re great all the time, it’s different._

_God, I’m such a fucking idiot_ , Kyungsoo says to himself, doing absolutely nothing but thinking of a stupid thing he did when he was younger. “No, I’m not,” he responds to himself, out loud because he’s so surprised. He frowns at himself and shakes his head. He’s got to be tired. That’s the 3rd time he’s said that to himself in under an hour. He’s getting tired of telling himself he’s not an idiot. Why can’t he listen to himself?

“You’re not what?” Minseok asks. He’s in the library to “study” with Kyungsoo, but he means that, and always means that, in a spiritual sense. No textbooks are in front of him, but his phone is.

Kyungsoo shakes his head again. “Nothing.” He goes back to writing. It’s a Flannery O’Connor short story this week in English, and he’s having trouble parsing out why someone would want an artificial leg or a glass eye.

Minseok doesn’t push. Just goes back to his phone. And they fall back into silence. Until Kyungsoo tries to quote a Heidegger passage that’s in the novel, which catapults his memory back to the time he had to read an Aristotle passage his sophomore year, and he asked a stupid question because he’s _so fucking stupid._ “I’m not stupid!,” Kyungsoo says louder to himself. He slams his laptop shut and just tries to note. _It’s a thought that comes from a feeling. You’re embarrassed._ And then he sits there trying to let the feeling pass away like Minho says he should. Just let it travel it travel the length of his mind and then dissipate. It’s the part of the exercise he’s worst at. He’s so good at lingering on the bad things. He breathes out heavily. It’s not working. Maybe he’s focusing too hard on not focusing on the thing, which is making him is making him actually focus—

“Do you need to be distracted?” Minseok asks.

“Yes please,” Kyungsoo huffs out heavily. This isn’t working. He’s just having a bad mental day. “It’s not my day apparently.”

“Okay, let’s talk about how you’re going on a date with Jongin.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Change of topic. We agreed I’d tell you everything after the fact. It’s not after the fact. He hasn’t even DMed me about a date yet.”

Minseok holds up a hand and puts his phone down. “Hold up, he hasn’t DMed you yet? You don’t have his number?”

“No, no I have his number. But he sent me a creepy text like a month ago, and the Baekhyun situation was weird, is still weird, so I blocked him.”

“So you’re going on a date with a guy who sent you a creepy text?”

“No, no! He’s changed, I think. I wouldn’t go on a date with him if I still thought he was a creep.” Kyungsoo’s getting worked up, but he’s got to keep his voice down. It’s a library, but does Minseok really think he’s stupid enough to go on a date with a creep?

“So you’re going to unblock him?” It’s almost infuriating how amused Minseok is by this situation. He should wipe that stupid grin off his face.

Kyungsoo slumps back in his seat because he’s been thrown for a loop. “Should I?”

“It’s a little weird to go on a date with a guy if you’ve blocked him.” 

Kyungsoo pulls out his phone and just looks at it. “But I haven’t blocked him on Instagram.”

“It’s still a little weird. Just unblock him unless you think he’s going to say something weird again. In which case, I would not go on a date with him.”

Kyungsoo swipes through screen on his phone and selects the options to unblock Jongin. He flips his phone to show it to Minseok. “Okay, I unblocked him.”

“Now you have to text him.” 

“Now I have to text him?!?” Kyungsoo whisper hisses.  Minseok attempts to shush him through a smile, but it just comes out as a whistley laugh.

“Well, yeah, the phone doesn’t send a message to someone when they’re blocked or unblocked. That’s up to you.”

“What should I say?” Kyungsoo asks as he opens a new text thread with Jongin.

“Just say hey,” Minseok shrugs. Like it isn’t a big deal.

“I can’t just say hey. What if he doesn’t respond? Or worse, what if he responds back with ‘hey’? Then what?” 

“Ask him about the date.” Minseok’s just smiling stupidly at him. He’s not taking this seriously.

“But he suggested the date,” Kyungsoo argues.

“And you can’t talk about it?”

Kyungsoo flounders for a minute, starting, and consequently stopping, six different replies. “He suggested it!”

“Okay, buddy, I love you, but you’re overthinking this.”

Kyungsoo wrinkles his nose. “I don’t want to text him about the date.” It’s annoying how close his voice gets to a whine.

Minseok throws up his hands. “Then what do you want to text him? Because you do have to do that.”

Kyungsoo slumps over the table and looks at his phone. The blue cursor blinking mockingly at him. He tries to think. What’s something that’s not hey, but not something that’ll make him sound desperate

 

**To: Kim Jongin**

**What’s Taemin’s favorite dinosaur?**

Kyungsoo places his phone on the table and lifts his hands. “There it’s done. It’s done. It’s not on me anymore.”

The phone vibrates.

Kyungsoo points a hand at the phone accusingly. “Why did he already text back?”

Minseok has the audacity to laugh. “Because he probably wants to go out with you. Because he probably likes you. Like, c’mon, man.”

Kyungsoo swipes the phone open.

 

**From: Kim Jongin**

**Stegosauruses because they have spikes on their backs. He likes T-rexes too, but that’s only because he feels bad about their short arms.**

Kyungsoo smiles and laughs to himself. Taemin’s such a cute kid.

“Should I ask what Jongin said?”

Kyungsoo looks up at Minseok. “I just asked him about his kid brother.”

“Now that is the stuff of romance. But the date, the date, Kyungsoo.”

“It’s weird to just ask out of the blue especially after asking about his brother.”

“Than why did you ask?”

“Because I didn’t want to ask about the date!”

Minseok laughs so loud that the librarian has to come over and physically shush him. Eventually Minseok manages to control his laughter down to small giggles. “I’m so sorry, man, but I can’t do anything if you’re like this.

The phone vibrates before Kyungsoo can tell Minseok to go fuck himself.

 

**From: Kim Jongin**

**Do you want to go see a movie this Friday? There’s this sci-fi film that’s getting great reviews. There’s a showing at 7. Maybe get ice cream after?**

“He asked about the date!”

“Well, what are you going to say?”

“Yes, right? I’m freaking out so much because the answer’s yes, right?”

“I would say so.”

 

**To: Kim Jongin**

**Sure**

 

Kyungsoo show Minseok his reply, who laughs. “Sure? That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Don't want to come off as desperate.”


	38. Week 6, Clip 4

_Friday, May 10 th, 2019_

_There are some days that I still sit in 4 th period seminar and even though I did the writing thing, the fact I can’t speak bothers me still. Minho and Mr. Bang, too, I think, have helped show me that I’m not stupid. But not talking? That still feels like a failure. Even if it’s not some people’s thing, and I have better ways of communicating, why can’t I be one of those people?_

Kyungsoo turns off the blowdryer and checks the clock: 6:27. Jongin’s picking him up at 6:40, so they can walk the 3 blocks to the theater. He adjusts a few strands of hair that don’t want to stand up straight. He looks at it in the mirror and scowls at himself. The red in his hair is fresh, like, redyed-last-night-fresh because Kyungsoo has no control over his life. His roots were only barely showing and he redyed it. And now it’s styled up in a way he hasn’t done since that night at the party he met Minseok. He’s really trying for this.

“It’s good, it’s good. He’s shown himself not to be a complete and utter asshole. He’s nice now. Sure Sehun’s a problem, but Jongin acknowledges that Sehun’s a problem, somewhat. And Taemin! He treats Taemin so well.” Kyungsoo says to his reflection. Despite the commendation on Jongin’s behalf, his reflection still looks stricken. He looks pale in a sick way, more so than he usually does. He brushes his hair up one more time. His hair is higher than his ambitions.

He leans over his sink and lets his head drop. He breathes slowly. In for four, hold for four, out for four, repeat. When he feels calmer, he turns on the faucet and splashes his face with cold water. He dries his face with a hand towel and breathes out heavily. He’s not sure about this date anymore.

The thing with Sehun bothers him still. Jongin only said it was a dick move that Sehun came to his house. Never said anything about Minseok’s situation. Kyungsoo really does believe that a person’s friends say a lot about their character. There’s also Baekhyun. Kyungsoo’s going on a date with the guy who slept with Baekhyun and tossed him aside within in the same breath. That guy, who Kyungsoo is going on a date with. 

But.

Jongin listens to him. Like actually listens. Kyungsoo told him he didn’t like how Jongin acted and Jongin changed. He hasn’t once belittled Kyungsoo for going to therapy. He treats his brother like he’s the world. He’s the best big brother Kyungsoo’s ever seen. Taemin’s so lucky to have him. And Jongin looks happy when he sees Kyungsoo, and as much as Kyungsoo can barely admit it to himself, he likes the attention he gets from a cute boy. More than cute, Jongin’s one of the hottest people Kyungsoo’s ever met, and he hates how superficial that is, and how much it affects him.

Kyungsoo drop to a squat and leans his head against the cupboard. God, he wants to cancel. His stomach’s a fucking mess. He won’t be able to eat. This is terrible. How do people do this?

There’s a knock on his door. It’s firm and steady, three knocks. God, it’s Jongin.

Kyungsoo stands up mechanically and makes his way to the door. It’s rude to keep people waiting.

Jongin looks great in a white v-neck and grey cardigan that’s tight enough to show his biceps, and Kyungsoo, for his own sanity, chose the grey-and-black plaid over a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up.  And his glasses. He couldn’t even be bothered to put in his contacts. He looks like he’s going to school, while Jongin looks like he’s going to a photoshoot. Kyungsoo can already tell this night isn’t going to go well.

“Hi!” There’s a high, pink blush across Jongin’s cheeks that spreads all the way to his ears.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo greets back awkwardly. Now that he has evidence that Jongin’s so excited, he feels awkward and terrible. There’s no way he’s going to live up to Jongin’s expectations. 

Kyungsoo turns around slowly to lock his door, so he can give himself a few more seconds until the date officially begins. When he turns back around, Jongin still looks just as happy. Kyungsoo swallows thickly. 

The walk down the hall and out of the building is silent. Jongin must be waiting for him to talk, but Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say. “Do you like science fiction movies?” Oh great fucking job, Kyungsoo. You’re going to see a sci-fi movie. Of course, he likes them.

“Hmm, uh, I wouldn’t say I like them a lot. I’m more of a thriller kind of guy, but you seem to like space a lot. So I thought you might like this movie.” Jongin doesn’t look at him as he speaks, but his voice is soft and warm.

That answer is somehow worse than what Kyungsoo imagined. Jongin’s too caring right now. He should do what he wants not what Kyungsoo wants. Kyungsoo’s a fucking mess. He hardly knows what he wants.

“Yeah, I like science-fiction. When _Interstellar_ came out, I watched it at least once a week for a year. My host sister loves science-fiction. _The Three-Body Problem_ by Cixin Liu is her favorite book. She watched _Interstellar_ every day for a year, and I would join her pretty often so that we could do homework together.” Kyungsoo has only good memories of his host family and this is one of them.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about your time in America.”

“Uhh,” Kyungsoo falters. That’s right. He doesn’t. Minseok knows the bare minimum. They’re not bad memories, but they are very special and untainted, in a way that makes him nervous to share. But he’s not sure how that makes logical sense, so he pushes through, “Uh, yeah. There’s nothing really interesting about it. I spent the first two years of high school in America. I learned to speak English and learned about American culture. I learned to play baseball and that I liked science-fiction. I liked the family dynamic a lot. They made me feel like I was one of their sons. The experience overall was good.”

“Why’d you come back?”

“I want to go to Seoul National. Seoul Prep is the unofficial official feeder school. It made sense that I should come back,” Kyungsoo shrugs while he talks like it’s not a big deal. He can be a little honest, but unloading his stuff with his parents is off the table completely.

“Yeah, the same for me. I didn’t do great on my entrance exam, but being a student here pushed my application through, I think. I got in.”

Kyungsoo feels his eyes go wide. “You got into Seoul National?”

Jongin laughs. “Yeah. Why are you so surprised?”

“I thought you were a terrible student.”

Jongin opens his mouth in outrage, though a smile threatens to break through at the same time. “I’ll have you know that I only present that image because it’s what the cool kids do.” 

“Yeah, yeah, okay. Tell me what happens when they find out Mr. Playboy got into Seoul National.” Kyungsoo’s walking ahead, much lighter than when the date started. This dynamic is playful, like they’re friends and not on a date. It’s only when he’s at the corner ready to cross the street does he see that Jongin’s fallen back. He has a weird expression on his face.

“You don’t,” Jongin stops to think. The light turns red. Kyungsoo watches Jongin suck in his cheeks and frown while he thinks. He speaks slowly when he starts again. “You don’t think that I’m still a player, right? After our conversation at the club, I haven’t gone after anyone. It’s only been you.”

That’s…a lot. It’s too much really for a 17 and 18-year-old who are on their first date. But it’s nice. It’s more proof that Jongin really did listen to him, but that’s so little compared to how Jongin’s looking at him. With steady, serious eyes and an unwrinkled brow. Jongin really means what he says.

And so what can Kyungsoo do but shake his head, just as seriously, and reply, “No, I don’t.”

The light turns green, and Kyungsoo turns to walk across the intersection. He can’t take looking at Jongin right now. The theater’s brightly lit up and once they pass into its light, the mood lightens. They’re just two guys seeing a movie together.

Jongin’s already bought the tickets, so Kyungsoo fights aggressively to be able to pay for their snacks. Jongin acquiesces but only asks for a water. Kyungsoo buys two medium popcorns and two waters.

They make it inside just in time for the previews to start. Kyungsoo’s glad for the excuse not to talk. The last five minutes have been trivial conversation, not enough time to start anything worthwhile, but too much time to not talk.

They sit like they’re two strangers in a movie theater. They don’t look at each other, talk to each other, or even lean in the other’s direction. It’s how Kyungsoo prefers his moviegoing experience. The movie is good. Kyungsoo likes it a lot. Might even call it his favorite film of the year, and he tells Jongin as much when they get out. 

It’s dark when they get out. The air is hot and dry in a way that belies the usual summer weather in Seoul. The ice cream shop is a block over. Again, it’s a moment of simultaneously too much and not enough time. And then suddenly, they have too much time. The ice cream shop closes at 10. It’s 10:30.

Jongin drops to a squat, his hands covering his head, before springing back up, an embarrassed smile on his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think to check the times.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “It’s not a big deal. I’m not really that hungry after the popcorn anyway.”

Jongin pouts. Kyungsoo finds it cuter than he should. “You’re just saying that. I’m sorry. I was hoping to impress you with this date. No one gets ice cream as a date—”

“We got ice cream with Taemin 3 weeks ago,” Kyungsoo interjects.

“A date, Kyungsoo, ice cream with Taemin isn’t a date,” Jongin whines. He presses his face against the glass to try and see into the darkened shop.

“If it makes you feel better, I wouldn’t have been that impressed anyway.” Kyungsoo’s amused. It’s just ice cream. What’s the big deal?

Jongin leans his head back and breathes out heavily. “I wanted this date to be perfect, and now I find out that it wouldn’t have been perfect anyway. Great.”

Kyungsoo can’t help that laugh that escapes from him. It’s just so ridiculous. The date’s fine. He knows that now. Ice cream isn’t a deal breaker.

“You’re laughing at me,” Jongin says with mock horror.

Kyungsoo waves his hands in front of him, still laughing. “No, no, no. I’m not laughing at you. It’s ridiculous, you have to admit. It’s just ice cream. I think this has been a good date so far.”

“Do you really mean that?” Jongin asks, completely serious.

Kyungsoo nods without hesitation. “Yeah, I’ve had a really good time tonight,” Kyungsoo hesitates before tacking onto the end, almost under his breath, “with you.” But the radiant smile Jongin gives him tells him that he’s been heard. He wrinkles his nose. He doesn’t really like that, but he might as well embrace it.

“Would you like to walk me home?” 

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

The walk back this time is silent again, like most of the night seems to have been, but this is different. It’s nice, it’s comfortable. It’s easy.

In front of Kyungsoo’s door, they stop and Kyungsoo looks up easily, not nearly as intimidated as he was at the beginning of the night. It’s a false show of confidence. If he doesn’t show how nervous he feels about this being the end of their date, then it will be over quickly and he’ll be able to escape inside. 

“Goodnight, Jongin.” He says it firmly and with no wavering even though Jongin’s looking at him with those eyes from earlier tonight. Serious, steady.

“You can say no,” Jongin starts out slowly, but fast or slow, Kyungsoo knows exactly what Jongin will say, and it scares him how much he wants to say yes. “But I would like to kiss you.” His ears are red as he talks.

The answer’s yes. That much is clear to Kyungsoo, but logically, he’s kind of against it. There seem to be a lot of reasons to say no: Baekhyun forefront in his mind. But that all seems to pale in comparison to the fact that he’d like to kiss Jongin. He’d really like to. Even though there are things that are unresolved. Again, Baekhyun and his—

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says before swallowing thickly. Thinking won’t get him anywhere.

Jongin nods, seems to feel acutely how awkward the situation is because he’s asked so explicitly. Now all there is, is expectation and it’s stifling. Jongin lifts a hand to cradle Kyungsoo’s face and just holds it there, looking at him. The hand is warm, and big, and Kyungsoo just waits.

Jongin leans forward so agonizingly slow that Kyungsoo has plenty of time to count Jongin’s eyelashes. Eventually Jongin’s so close that Kyungsoo can’t watch him without his eyes crossing, so he lets them flutter closed. He feels warm breath hitting his cheek, and then their lips are touching. It’s dry, and Jongin’s lips are chapped, but it’s nice. More than nice and Kyungsoo finds himself reciprocating tentatively when Jongin moves his lips. Jongin pushes a little closer, brings his other hand up to Kyungsoo’s waist. Kyungsoo pushes back just a little, kisses a little more eagerly.

And then Jongin moves back just a little, enough that Kyungsoo can see his eyes, wide and clear. He clears his throat, and takes the hand from Kyungsoo’s cheek and rubs it across his neck. He smiles shyly, “Uh well, good night, Kyungsoo.” 

Kyungsoo’s smile comes easily and unbidden. He’s happy. “Good night, Jongin.”


	39. Week 7, Clip 1

_Tuesday, May 14 th, 2019_

_My parents aren’t bad people despite my estranged relationship with them. They take after my grandparents: pushing me hard because they know that I can succeed. I can’t blame them for that. It’s how they were raised, and well, it worked. They’re very successful. And I am not._

“People need to be kind to themselves,” Yixing says firmly. He nods like he’s never spoken a better truth before going back to a psychology book.

“I mean, probably, but what’s with saying it now?” Baekhyun asks. He’s wearing his leather jacket even though it’s in 27 degrees outside. Jongdae’s head is in his lap.

“I’ve been investigating different fields of science, and I’m on psychology right now. And this book talks about the rampant rise of anxiety. We push ourselves too hard sometimes, especially us as the younger generation.”

Kyungsoo’s got his phone open, just staring at it for the aesthetic in order to look calm. He’s a little worried. Doesn’t like that they’re talking about anxiety. He has anxiety. 

“But that’s life, right? You can’t just stop because you’re a little anxious. Just push through it,” Jongdae replies.

Minseok’s halfway to his feet when Kyungsoo grips his wrist and squeezes it, a quiet gesture to stop. It’s not worth it.

“But some people can’t just push through it. Their brain has rewired itself, so it’s learned to interpret some situations as dangerous. They can’t help it. It takes serious therapy to rework.”

Jongdae frowns. “Well, then, that’s fucked. Can therapy fix that?”

“Cognitive Behavioral therapy is the most helpful, and that’s like changing how you think about yourself and stuff like that. But meditation is also recommended and stuff like exercise. You know, healthy body is a healthy mind. That stuff has credibility apparently.” Yixing’s looking at Kyungsoo’s hand on Minseok’s wrist. Kyungsoo’s not willing to look down  to really check, but he can guess that Yixing can the whites of his knuckles from the tight grip he has on Minseok’s wrist. 

“I read an account of a musical last night about a kid with social anxiety. The premise was that he wrote letters to himself. The idea is that you just put down your thoughts and try to be kind to yourself in the letters. It’s bad to keep it bottled up.”

Kyungsoo looks down at his phone. Yixing’s words feel pointed, but that can’t be right. Yixing can’t know. Kyungsoo’s so careful, and he knows that he looks completely normal. There’s nothing he’s done that’s given himself away. He’s so careful. He’s so careful. Minho has to constantly remind him not to project and he’s not going to project. Yixing knows nothing.

“Thinking about being a psychologist, Xixi?” Baekhyun doesn’t seem to take a great interest in the conversation. His phone had vibrated some minutes ago, and he’s been scowling ever since.

Yixing shrugs, “I think I want to be a pediatrician, but I want to know about this stuff too. Apparently little kids have problems like these, but they don’t know how to say stuff about it. So it’s a bit harder to pick up. I want to know how to pick it up.”

“Our Xixi’s so kind,” Kyungsoo comments, and he means that. Yixing’s kind and caring, pure and simple. There will be kids like Taemin who need him.

Yixing frowns. "Maybe. I don't know. It's the way the world is going, you know? But at the very least, we need to be kind to ourselves."

Kyungsoo frowns at his phone.  _We need to be kind to ourselves._  That can mean a lot of things, and he knows he doesn't do a lot of that stuff would fall under that category of being kind to himself. But he should try. And he thinks he knows for what. He feels guilty about going out with Jongin, and the reasons for that are tenuous. There's some part of him, he knows this to be a fact, that thinks he should suffer for having anxiety. And Jongin seems too good to be true, so the need to suffer feels more acute. But Minho and Ryeowook have been adamant in trying to get him to not punish himself for his anxiety. _We need to be kind to ourselves._

He swtiches over to his text thread with Jongin.

 

**To: Kim Jongin**

**Do you want to go out on Thursday?**

 


	40. Week 7, Clip 2

_Wednesday, May 15 th, 2019_

_I talked sophomore year. I’ve said that before, and there was this upward incline in how I was talking. Like I thought I was getting better, but then one day I just crashed. I couldn’t talk anymore. It’s like none of the progress I made happened. Is that what I’m doomed to? Am I just some modern Sisyphus? Doomed to roll my boulder to the top of the hill, only for it only roll back down every, single. Time? How can I be kind to myself if that’s my fate?_

“You’re making good strides,” Minho comments casually. They’re nearing the end of their time. Kyungsoo had gone through a round of EMDR with the music class memory from sophomore year. He’s feeling bleary and groggy. He had cried a bit and now he’s tired.

“Am I?” It doesn’t feel like it.

“Does it not feel like you’ve made some good progress?” Minho’s smiling at him. It’s a warm smile, maybe a bit amused.

“I mean I still can’t talk,” Kyungsoo shrugs because, like, _duh._

“But you told Minseok that you have anxiety, and you told your friends that you play baseball, and you’ve said you’ve been continually meditating for 3 weeks now. Both the meditation and the heart breathing. Does that not seem like good progress?”

Kyungsoo draws his mouth first to the right then to the left and then back again. He’s not sure how to answer the question because Minho obviously thinks it’s good progress, so he doesn’t want to say no. But it doesn’t feel like yes. When he met with Minho for the first time, he told Minho quite plainly that he wanted to be able to talk, and, well.

“No,” he says honestly because he doesn’t want to lie to Minho. It defeats the entire reason for going to therapy. “I don’t know. I can’t talk, but talking has never ended the anxiety before nor was it supposed to. But anxiety always wins out. So I guess I don’t really know. Every time I think I make progress, it feels like I’m wrong.”

Minho nods along with his words. He hums when Kyungsoo’s done speaking. “Yeah, I guess we never really talk about the process of ‘getting better’. It’s not always an upward slope. The process itself is rocky. We fall, but we get back up. We have to get back up because we acknowledge that the way we live now is not the life we want. We want to get to change. Every time you fall, you’re not wrong. Because you keep trying. That’s what’s important.”

Kyungsoo wrinkles his nose. The thought is nice, but he’s still not sure about the progress he’s made.

“And you’re right. There’s more to getting better than just being able to talk. There’s a stigma around mental health in this country, so people keep their problems close to their chest because of it. It’s not healthy to do that. Things fester when we don’t let them out. By telling Minseok that you have anxiety, you’ve given yourself an opening and a companion. It’s no longer you against the world, which in part, is the reason your anxiety is so bad. It’s been just you for so long, Kyungsoo, and that’s not true anymore. Even just telling your friends that you play baseball attributes to this fact. You're making good progress.”

Kyungsoo can feel himself tear up, and he nods as a lump grows in his throat. He’s not good with emotions. “Yeah, I have good friends.”


	41. Week 7, Text Message

_Thursday, May 16th, 2019_

_I love my friends a lot. And that includes all the ones I've had before. I've always had good friends, but the guys here are something more, I think. I think I want to be honest with them. I want them to know, but I want it to be on my own terms._

 

__


	42. Week 7, Clip 3

_Friday, May 17 th, 2019_

_Maybe I’m masochistic. I don’t like forming relationships with my teachers because I acutely feel that I’m not doing well in their class because of my anxiety. I can’t even talk to them normally. Even saying hello feels like a pain because what right do I have to talk to them? Me, who’s so terrible in their class?_

Jongin hasn’t texted him. It should bother Kyungsoo more than it currently does, but he can’t really bring himself to be super bothered by it. Jongin’s also been absent from school, and even in his worst moments, Kyungsoo’s not able to construe that as being his fault. So he doesn’t think he’s being ghosted. Something’s happened, and Jongin will either tell him or not.

The sun is, in part, his reason for being calm. It’s warm and lazy. Yixing and he are the waiting for the other guys to get here for rehearsal. It’s a long one tonight. There’s only a week left until the performance. It’s crunch time.

“I have anxiety,” Kyungsoo blurts out. The thought had occurred to him only briefly before he said it, and it works. He’s so caught off guard by his own comment that he doesn’t cry.

“Hmm, really?” If Yixing’s surprised, his voice doesn’t betray it.

“Yes, and sometimes it’s bad, I think.”

“How so?”

“Uhh,” Kyungsoo’s thrown by how nonchalant this conversation is. He imagined Yixing to be…more. “I can’t talk in class sometimes, and sometimes I have breakdowns where I cry because of it. And I wanted to tell you because I appreciate you as a friend, and my therapist says it’s good to let people know so that I don’t continue the idea that I’m alone.” There’s a moment where Kyungsoo’s subconscious makes him force everything he wants to say out in one breath so he can get it over with. It leaves him breathless.

Yixing’s silent for a second. Kyungsoo shouldn’t have done it like that. He should have waited until Yixing asked him for specific information. It’s probably too much information. Kyungsoo shouldn’t have blurted it out like that all at once. _Idi—! Nope, I’m not that. It’s chill. You were nervous and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is what it is._

Kyungsoo wrestles with more intrusive thoughts that try to force their way in while Yixing’s silent, but eventually just says, “anxiety attacks.”

There’s more silence because Kyungsoo’s thrown, “What?”

“Your breakdowns. They’re anxiety attacks, right?” Yixing rolls over so that he’s on his stomach and facing Kyungsoo directly. His face is open and curious. 

“Uhhh,” Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to answer that.

“Like everyone has breakdowns when things get stressful, but not everyone has anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks have a trigger. Are your breakdowns anxiety attacks?”

 _Yes,_ his traitorous brain says immediately. But Kyungsoo’s not so sure. Anxiety attacks are a big thing. Kyungsoo’s got anxiety, but it’s not that bad. Really.

Anxiety attacks are another level. Kyungsoo just cries and doesn’t talk sometimes. Taemin scratches his hands until they bleed. Another one of Minho’s patients can’t even leave the house. Fuck, Kyungsoo’s not even on medication for his anxiety, so it can’t be that bad.

“I don’t think so,” He says slowly, but even he’s not convinced by his answer.

“Well, do you have a trigger?” Yixing’s smiling at him. There’s no judgment.

The answer, again, is yes. He has two triggers, he thinks. The obvious one is when anyone, including himself, talks about his inability to speak in class. The second is less defined, which might make it not a trigger, but when he’s been out too long with too many people around.

“I think so,” he says again slowly. “Yes actually, I do have anxiety attacks” even though it feels like it shouldn’t be bad enough to be classified as something so specific, no matter how may requirements it fits. It’s just crying, but it’s right. He has anxiety attacks.

“Oh wow, man. That sucks. I’m sorry.” Yixing rolls back onto his back and closes his eyes.

They fall into silence again, but Kyungsoo’s too busy trying to think through what he’s said. He has anxiety attacks. Because he has anxiety. Not just anxiety but an anxiety disorder. His brain has rewired itself to react harshly to certain situations, which results in anxiety attacks because he has anxiety.

It feels weird to even think about, but never has anything about his diagnosis ever feel right in terms of logic. He can’t rationalize this stuff out.

“Thanks for telling me by the way. You didn’t have to, but I’m glad that you did. I know that stuff is hard to say sometimes.”

Yixing’s eyes are still closed, so he doesn’t see Kyungsoo’s obviously startled expression. Kyungsoo should be thanking Yixing for putting up with him, not the other way around.

“No problem,” is all he manages. Yixing makes a disgruntled sound in the back of his throat, but doesn’t do anything else.

Kyungsoo doesn’t really want to say anything else, so he’s glad when Minseok and Jongdae come up to them, apologies already on their lips.

“Baekhyun said he’ll be a little late,” Jongdae huffs out. “Something came up. Anyway, what’s up?”

Yixing shrugs, eyes still closed. “Nothing much. How about you?”


	43. Week 8, Clip 1

_Sunday, May 19 th, 2019_

_I think it’s been a good week in terms of my personal life. I told Yixing, and the intrusive thoughts don’t seem as bad. And no one talked to me about class performance. It seems almost good._

**From: Kim Jongin**

**Hey, Taemin would like to see you today, and so would I. Would you like to meet up around 8?**

It’s a weird message. One that he immediately screenshots and sends to Minseok with many questions marks. Minseok shoots back just as quickly that he should agree, and then text him what happens. So Kyungsoo replies to Jongin with “Field 7”. Kyungsoo’s not willing to miss the game, and he doesn’t particularly care about telling Jongin that he plays baseball. Despite feelings that he’s willing to label as romantic in nature, the relationship still hasn’t been cultivated long enough for him to have the same apprehension he felt with the guys.

Kyungsoo keeps one eye on the stands during the game, but Jongin and Taemin never show up. The Misfits win 5-2 against The Team With No Name. Kyungsoo managed to slide into home base and takes a great pleasure in the smear of dust that runs up the left side of his body. There’s something about the aesthetic of a 50s kid playing ball during the summer that really makes him feel good.

Ryeowook and Seulgi are staying behind with him. Seulgi’s looking for rocks on the diamond because she slid into second, got some nasty abrasions from where he shirt slid up, and a few of them are too thick just to be sand particulates. Ryeowook just doesn’t want to go home, so he’s here.

Kyungsoo’s working on his batting form. It’s getting a little wild lately when it used to be so controlled. He just needs to get it better committed to muscle memory

“How long are we going to stay here? Don’t work on your form too much, Soo. It’s wild, but much more natural. Your hitting much better.” Seulgi says. There’s a few rocks in her hand that are definitely the perpetrators. “Moonie’s going to be mad at me if I don’t get home quickly. I’ll admit that I should probably clean the scratches before too long.”

Kyungsoo shrugs, “I was supposed to meet someone here, but they’re not here yet, and they’re not responding to text, so I guess I’ll just wait. It’s only 8:30. I’ll leave at nine. You guys don’t have to wait for me. 

Ryeowook groans as if he’s never been so troubled in his life. “No, we’ll stay. We’re roommates, and roommates need to stick together.”

“We’re not roommates though.”

Ryeowook waves a hand around,” Semantics. We’re roommates of the heart, so we’ll stay. Right, Seulgster?”

Seulgi frowns down at her phone. “My phone’s dead. If I stay, I have to text Moonbyul. Kyungie, give me your phone.”

Kyungsoo hands over his phone,” You really don’t have to stay.”

Seulgi sends off a text. “No, I want to. You rarely introduce us to your friends. Moonbyul will get it. She’s met you.”

A disgruntled noise is all Kyungsoo’s able to make because across the field he sees the familiar tall form of Jongin carrying a small curled up ball that has to be Taemin. Oh, that’s not good.

“It looks like my friend is here,” he points across the way.

“I don’t know this one. What’s this one’s name?” Ryeowook asks.

“Jongin.”

“The boy? This is the boy?” Seulgi whispers excitedly, coming up to wrap her arms around his waist. She squeezes tightly.

Kyungsoo shrugs, “I guess.”

“You’re friends now?” Ryeowook also wraps his arms around Kyungsoo, now just as excited as Seulgi.

“I guess,” Kyungsoo’s not sure how to categorize a boy he went on one date with once and kissed once. He likes him sure, but to say they’re dating is probably a stretch. He went on multiple dates with a girl in America and never once called her his girlfriend.

“Are you more?” Ryeowook asks.

“Jongin, over here!” Kyungsoo shouts. Like Hell he’s going to answer Ryeowook’s question.

Jongin raises a hand in acknowledgement, but doesn’t approach them any faster. Kyungsoo starts trying to move towards him. Ryeowook and Seulgi refuse to let go and shuffle along with him.

“What’s he holding?” Seulgi asks. Taemin hasn’t moved at all this entire time that they’ve seen him.

“It’s his brother. It looks like he’s asleep.”

“His brother. What kind of date is this?” Ryeowook has clearly come to a conclusion about what Jongin is to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer because now he’s worried. They’re close enough to Jongin that Kyungsoo can see the dark sleep circles under his eyes, and just the general rumpledness that Jongin is. Taemin starts to wiggle before lifting his head from where it’s been laying on Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin looks tired, but Taemin just looks sick. His face is pale and pinched and he looks so, so tired. Kyungsoo thinks he knows what’s going on. He shakes off Ryeowook and Seulgi, and half jogs the last few meters to Jongin and Taemin, a happy smile on his face.

“Taemin, I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Kyungsoo,” Taemin croaks. Kyungsoo suppresses a wince. Taemin has either been crying or not speaking for days now, but he does look genuinely happy to see Kyungsoo. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. How have you been?” Kyungsoo glances up at Jongin. The question applies to both of them.

“It’s been a tough week, but I’m getting better. Nini’s been taking care of me.”

Kyungsoo nods. “Nice, nice. It sucks you had a bad week though. Would you like to meet my friends? This is Ryeowook and Seulgi. We play baseball together.” He gestures to each of them in turn. They each nod at their introduction, huge smiles plastered on each of their faces. They’ve also picked up on what’s wrong.

Taemin turns shy. “It’s nice to meet you.” Both Seulgi and Ryeowook keep their distance and wave at him. They both offer similar greetings.

Taemin turns to look back at Kyungsoo. “Will you come and visit me tomorrow? After school.”

Kyungsoo hesitates, but only for a moment. His smile softens. “Yeah, of course. I’ll come as soon as school is let out.” He did have plans with the boys, but he can cancel. Taemin needs this, he thinks.

Taemin nods and lays his head back down on Jongin’s shoulder. He looks so tired. “Great! Nini has to go back to school tomorrow. He’ll walk with you back, right Nini?”

“Yeah, of course, Minnie,” Jongin cradles the back of Taemin’s head. He mouthes ‘thank you’ at Kyungsoo. “I think it’s about time we get home and put you to bed, okay?”

“Okay.”

“It was nice to meet you all. I’ll see you tomorrow, Kyungsoo.” Jongin is unbearably polite, but he’s also obviously preoccupied, so they all murmur similar polite farewells and watch him leave.

It’s silent as they watch him walk away, but when Ryeowook is sure that they’re out of earshot, he has the audacity to say, “I hope you’re dating because otherwise that display of domesticity was disgusting.”

 


	44. Week 8, Clip 2

_Monday, May 20 th, 2019_

_I think of my first anxiety attack sometimes. I was a freshman in high school, and my teacher had pulled me aside to ask if I would consider talking more in class, and I just started crying. I was already talking once a class, and I wonder if despite doing my best to do that, the teacher asking me to do more, destroyed me. And sometimes I wonder if me thinking I was doing my best only to be told I wasn’t caused that first attack._

Kyungsoo and Jongin are pushed flush against each other in the bus. It’s the first bus that comes after school, so obviously it’s packed. At one point, someone had tried to move between them, and Jongin had just very simply wrapped his pointer finger and thumb around Kyungsoo’s wrist. Even though the threat is long gone, Jongin’s still holding his wrist in the same way, the rest of his finger laid casually on the back of Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to look at Jongin and settles for somewhere around chest level, where Jongin’s muscles are clearly outlined by the loose falling of his shirt. Kyungsoo can’t win here. There’s nowhere to look that won’t make it obvious to Jongin he’s a little uncomfortable.

Physical attraction’s never been a huge deal for Kyungsoo. He’s never had the out-of-control libido that some of the guys complain about. Sure, every other day he tugs one out, but that’s more of a necessity than a real drive to. He should have expected that with his growing feelings towards Jongin, his libido would grow as well. So that’s another reality he’s going to have to add into this 

“I’m sorry about not texting you back, I wanted to go out with you. But Taemin just came home after school and he was a wreck, and he wouldn’t tell us why. And we made the mistake of asking about it repeatedly. We pushed him over the edge.” Jongin’s face is scrunched. He’s angry at himself.

Kyungsoo shrugs, “Maybe, but if he was on the edge, anything would push him over. It couldn’t be helped, and if he’s been out of it all week then it was only a matter of time. There’s not much either of you or your mom could have done.”

“Still,” Jongin practically whines.

Kyungsoo doesn’t respond because he gets it. When you’re worried, you’re worried. Kyungsoo was ready to fight anyone who so much as even looked at Minseok the wrong way last semester.

The bus finally lets off at the stop a few blocks from Jongin’s and so they descend and walk the rest of the way. Their hands hang loosely between them, and it takes only an impulsive thought on Kyungsoo’s part for him to reach over and grab Jongin’s hand, loosely slotting their fingers together. He can only manage a small, unsure smile when Jongin looks over at him. Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand, and they walk on, hands now linked.

“If Taemin’s better on Friday, do you want to go out? There’s this gastro pub near the school that Baekhyun showed me. It’s a really good place.” Kyungsoo feels emboldened by the fact Jongin’s still holding his hand. Perhaps even reckless.

Jongin hums and swings their hands a bit. “Even if Taemin’s not better by Friday, I think we’d both love it if you came over to watch a movie and eat pizza with us.”

“I thought Taemin being there made it not a date,” Kyungsoo teases. Reckless indeed.

“It’s different with you,” Jongin replies, not caring to expound on that. It makes Kyungsoo blush beet red, and renders him silent for the last half block.

Mrs. Kim greets them at the door, and only lets her eyes rest for a second on their interlocked hands before smiling up at them, “Kyungsoo, Taemin’s been talking non-stop about your visit. Thank you for coming.”

“Thank you for having me,” Kyungsoo replies automatically, already halfway into a bow. He drops Jongin’s hand.

“Taemin’s upstairs in his room. Jongin will show you the way,” She gestures to the stairs on the right. She turns to Jongin, her appearance a little more sharp. “I’ve been called into an early shift, so I’ll be gone all night. Make sure Taemin brushes his teeth before going to bed, and don’t let him convince you to eat ice cream. You know the doctor said that a bad diet will make his anxiety already worse than it is.”

Jongin nods. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it, Mom. Do you want me to drop off dinner tonight?”

“No, I’ll order out with Mrs. Bang. Don’t worry about me. Don’t forget to do your homework,” Mrs. Kim leans over and kisses him on the forehead before sidestepping them and making her way down the steps. When she’s down she turns around and points a finger at Jongin, “And Jongin—“

“Geez, Mom, I know,” Jongin interrupts, shoulders going up in a panic. She smiles teasingly at him before waving and running off down the street to catch the next bus.

Jongin almost pushes Kyungsoo up the stairs. “Taemin’s the first door on the left. I have something to do.”

Kyungsoo is in a plain white hallway by himself before he can even process it. Jongin’s bounded back down the stairs and is making noises down below. He knocks tentatively on the first door on the left.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Mom,” comes a small voice from within. 

“It’s Kyungsoo." 

There’s a pause. “You can come in.”

Kyungsoo slowly pushes the door in. Taemin’s room is filled with space posters. Every centimeter of wall space is covered with star maps and general pictures torn from magazines and taped to the wall. Taemin’s under the covers, hugging a stuffed poodle. He’s staring moodily at the wall.

“Hey Taemin,” Kyungsoo ventures. He cautiously approaches the bed, carefully studying Taemin’s facial features to make sure he’s okay with it. Taemin only looks up at him when Kyungsoo’s right next to the bed. He holds up the covers on the side closest to Kyungsoo. Wordlessly, Kyungsoo slips in next to Taemin.

“Is it a stupid question to ask how you are?”

Taemin scratches forcefully at the stuffed poodle. Kyungsoo can see that both of his hands have been completely wrapped in bandages. No more bandaids.

“People are mean,” is the only reply that Kyungsoo gets.

“Yeah they are,” Kyungsoo agrees.

“Kids laughed at me in class because I said the wrong answer. They laughed. All of them. Like I was stupid. I’m not stupid.” Taemin continues to stare resolutely at the wall.

“You’re not stupid,” Kyungsoo agrees.

“I’m smart.”

Kyungsoo stops replying. Taemin just needs a soundboard.

“I try really hard to be positive about myself because none of my classmates are going to be. But I get tired, Kyungsoo. I’m so tired, Kyungsoo.” He breaks into tears on this last sentence. Kyungsoo holds back and just sits next to Taemin not saying anything. Taemin will tell him what he wants from Kyungsoo. 

Taemin lets himself fall into Kyungsoo’s shoulder and he continues to cry. “I want to be happy.”

Kyungsoo can feel his heart twist at Taemin’s words. Words that Kyungsoo’s said to himself many, many times. He carefully places a hand around Taemin’s shoulders and pulls him into an awkward sidehug. He can’t focus on that though. He feels his brow furrow as he tries to think of the right thing to say.

“You will be happy if you continue to be positive about yourself. It won’t be easy and there will be times when it sucks. And it feels like you can’t win. But that feeling will be there whether or not you’re kind to yourself. I, unfortunately, am not often kind to myself, and I think it makes things worse. Like you said, if no one else will be kind towards me, I should be kind to myself.

‘But I think you should think of your brother and your mother and your friends as well. They don’t think you’re stupid, and I think they’re willing to listen to your troubles and be the kindness that you need, even when you can’t be kind to yourself.”

Taemin sniffles. “It’s hard.”

“Yeah, it is. It’s the worst, which makes you very brave for even doing it in the first place. I wasn’t even doing it. You’re much braver than I am. I was just being mean to myself.”

Taemin shakes his head. “You’re so brave, Kyungsoo. You’re the bravest person I know. Even Mommy was surprised when you said you went to therapy. She said it’s hard to accept that there’s problem sometimes.”

“And when did she say that?”

Taemin turns his face further into Kyungsoo’s chest. “When I told her I thought I was sick. I scratch my hands, but I don’t notice it a lot of the time. Sometimes it’s only when Nini or Mommy pick me up at the end of the day and look at my hands in horror do I notice that they’re bleeding. And so I told her that I think I’m sick.”

“Your mom’s right. It’s very brave to tell her that you think you’re sick. Not a lot of people will do that.”

Taemin rubs his face against Kyungsoo’s chest. “It doesn’t feel very brave.”

“No, it doesn’t. But a lot of things don’t feel brave, I think. They feel scary and weird, and like you’re doing something wrong, but you’re brave. You’re the bravest person I know.”

Taemin doesn’t reply. He just holds his face against Kyungsoo’s chest. He’s stopped crying, which is good.

“I’m tired, Kyungsoo.” Taemin yawns and when he leans back to look at Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo can see his eyes already closing in sleepiness.“Okay, I’ll leave then. If you want to talk again, just ask Jongin, and I’ll come back. Okay?” Kyungsoo slips out of the covers and tucks Taemin in, watching as his eyes fight to keep awake.

“Okay,” Taemin mutters half-asleep.

Kyungsoo steps away slowly, trying his best to keep quiet so Taemin can fall asleep.  He slips out of the door and nearly screams when he runs into Jongin, who’s waiting anxiously in the hall.

“Sorry, how is he?” Jongin’s practically towering over Kyungsoo with how close he is.

Kyungsoo shrugs. He really doesn’t know. “He’s hit a low. He told me about the event that started it, but there’s a lot factors that contribute to stuff like that. A bad night’s sleep, stress, diet, people, any amount of things could have helped lead to it. He’s asleep now, though, so I wouldn’t go in, but he’s going to get better. He’s a strong kid.”

Jongin nods, looking relieved despite Kyungsoo’s iffy response. “Yeah, yeah, okay. Good. He’s been sleeping badly all week. I’m glad he talked to you.”

Kyungsoo nods, “I hope I was helpful. He was certainly helpful to me. He’s a smart kid, and he’s really trying.”

Jongin smiles, the most happy and genuine one of the afternoon. “Yeah, he’s a trooper.”

Kyungsoo just smiles up at him. He’s somewhat moved by the display of brotherly affection. He shouldn’t intrude any longer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jongin bends down and pushes a quick kiss against Kyungsoo’s cheek. “Yeah, and I’ll text you tonight. We’ll definitely have a date this week.”

Resisting the urge to touch the spot where Jongin kissed him, Kyungsoo stiffly nods.

“Yeah.”


	45. Week 8, Clip 3

_Wednesday, May 22 nd, 2019_

_The need to rationalize is something that I use as a form of control. So when I can’t rationalize something out, like the anxiety, I tend to spiral because I don’t have control and the more I focus on the aspect of not having control, the more I spiral. I need to figure out a way to let things be. I can’t go through life trying to control everything. Life shouldn't have to be about control._

“It’s Jun’s birthday today,” Minseok announces with the utmost gravity.

Baekhyun looks up from his phone. “Didn’t he already have a birthday?”

“You’re thinking of Junsu in your math class,” Jongdae murmurs, his face is covered by his stats textbook. The five of them are sequestered on the second floor of the library, on the couches near the window looking over the courtyard, a very unpopular spot since winter ended.

“Am I? Huh.” Baekhyun ask without much curiosity, and goes back to his phone. Minseok wrinkles his nose at all of them. It’s not their fault that they’re unenthusiastic. Junmyeon’s not their friend really. He’s the ex-boyfriend of their friend, and they were never really became friends with him. They met shortly before shit went down, and they’ve never recovered.

“Guys, come on. Jun’s a good guy and you all love a party. Let’s throw one for him, yeah? His friends are into it,” Minseok’s, predictably, already starting to plead.

Kyungsoo looks up at his best friend, and because they are the best friends to ever exist, nods, “Yeah, of course, man. We’ll all help you with the party. When do you want it?”

“Friday at—”

“Saturday,” Kyungsoo and Yixing interject simultaneously. They each share a wild glance with the other before looking back at Minseok, whose eyes are wide from surprise.

“Fine, Saturday. We’ll just have to do it after the performance, which is probably better. We’ll be high on adrenaline from winning. But what’s wrong with Friday?” 

“Mom’s going to kill me if I skip another family dinner. My grandmother’s in town this time, so she can see us perform. There’s no way I’ll be able to leave.” Yixing scrolls through his phone before showing them a text form his mother that threatens bodily harm if Yixing misses dinner. “She’s 90, man. Any of these dinners could be her last.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course, man. I would love for you to be unharmed on Monday, so Saturday works best. It’s also just a better night for parties. I can get Ryeowook and Seulgi to get us alcohol too,” Kyungsoo adds in. Minseok drops his eyes to him and gives him a questioning look. Kyungsoo shrugs. Yixing’s reason is more than enough to get the party changed. There’s no point in him giving some half-assed excuse about an appointment to hide the fact that he’s got a date.

“So Saturday, when and where?” Is something Jongdae maybe asks. His voice is even fainter this time around. He might be falling asleep. 

“We can do my apartment,” Kyungsoo offers. He’s kind of giddy with the idea. Last time they held a party in his apartment, everything was an absolute shit show. Now he can rectify this.

“Great! Your apartment will be the venue and we should probably do it like an hour after the performance. That’ll give us all enough time to talk to people after we win the talent show.”


	46. Week 8, Clip 4

_Friday, May 24 th, 2019_

_I meditate first thing in the morning after I wake up, and it almost feels like it’s a habit. I read somewhere it takes like 90 days to form a habit, so I’ve got a ways to go, but it feels almost easy now. I’ve never done it this consistently before and I find myself think a lot more about what it means to have my anxiety under control. Will I be able to talk despite having a fight-or-flight reaction? Or will it just be me accepting that talking isn’t something I’ll ever be good at?_

Taemin is much better by Friday, but Mrs. Kim gets called in Friday night, so Kyungsoo and Jongin end up having their date at Jongin’s house anyway. Taemin goes to bed at 8:30 and by 8:40, Kyungsoo finds himself being pushed down on the couch as Jongin climbs on top of him, their lips firmly slotted together. Kyungsoo can’t say that he really minds. He likes the heat and the weight and just the kissing in general, so he lets himself be pushed down, and reciprocates as eagerly as he can. The superhero cartoon they were watching with Taemin plays in the background.

There’s a twinge in his neck, so Kyungsoo brings his arms up around Jongin’s neck and pulls him down. Jongin hums and smiles into the kiss. Kyungsoo can’t help but reciprocate. He’s always liked kissing. It’s nice, and it gives him something to do at parties other than stand at the edge of the room, bored. But it’s so much more than nice when it’s with Jongin. He feels giddy and warm affection glows like sunlight in his chest. He likes Jongin. He really likes Jongin. Likes his warm smile, and sincere eyes, the way he takes care of Taemin, his earnestness, and the way his thumb is slowly caressing the curve of Kyungsoo’s cheekbone. He likes it all.

What happens next might be an accident. Jongin shifts slightly, his crotch just barely grazing Kyungsoo’s hipbone, but it’s enough for Kyungsoo to tell that Jongin’s pants are tighter than they were and that’s too much. He unloops his arms from around Jongin’s neck and pushes against his chest. “Stop.”

Jongin pulls back quickly and leans back on his heels, still straddling Kyungsoo. His eyes look wild and his lips are beestung. He wipes almost dreamily at his eyes. Kyungsoo feels almost proud that he’s the reason for that. It’s swept away almost instantly as embarrassment swells up hot in his cheeks. “I’m not ready for that.” He doesn’t like that embarrassment is what he feels. He doesn’t have anything to be embarrassed about. If he’s not ready, then he’s not ready for that. It’s as simple as that.

Jongin nods quickly and repeatedly. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” He awkwardly shuffles back until he’s not straddling Kyungsoo and collapses into the couch. Kyungsoo pushes himself up into a sitting position and turns to face the TV. It feels awkward, but he supposes there was no stopping it. Already his mind is kicking into overdrive to tell him he’s immature for not wanting sex, which is really annoying. He doesn’t need this tonight. He tries the noting exercise and it works a little, which is better than nothing. A little happily, he finds that his mood’s not as affected by the thoughts as they usually are. If he’s lucky he’ll be able to fall asleep instead of dwelling on them all night.

Still the silence between them is excruciating and Kyungsoo tries to look at Jongin out of the corner of his eye to see how he’s reacting to this. Jongin still seems kind of dazed, and is watching the TV blankly. Almost to himself, he mutters, “I’ve already seen this episode.”

“What?”

Jongin looks over at Kyungsoo, and repeats, “I’ve already seen this episode. Taemin watches this show everyday. I’ve probably seen all of them.” If there’s a good response to that, Kyungsoo doesn’t know what it is. Jongin readjusts his legs and leans back, seemingly interested in watching the cartoon even though he’s seen it already.

Kyungsoo feels a little calmer at Jongin’s behavior. He doesn’t seem to think what Kyungsoo did was weird, but Kyungsoo’s not sure how long he can watch cartoons in silence with Jongin before it gets weird.

“There’s a party at my apartment tomorrow.” Kyungsoo winces internally at his abrupt manner. He sounded uncomfortable and Jongin’s going to know he’s uncomfortable, which will make him feel bad, and Kyungsoo doesn’t want that.

“Yeah, Baekhyun invited me. It’s Junmyeon’s birthday, right?” Jongin lets his head roll against the back of the couch so he can look at Kyungsoo. He doesn’t seem to suspect anything about Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo nods, “Yeah. After the talent show.”

“I’m excited. I’ve never seen your place before.”

Kyungsoo blushes and just hums in response. He has more questions. About Sehun, about if they’ll interact at the party, about a millions things that can all be boiled down to what are they, but he doesn’t ask any of them. He just scoots over until he’s close enough to Jongin that Jongin can put his arm around him and he can lean into his side. For now, this is good.


	47. Week 8, Clip 5

_Saturday, May 25 th, 2019_

_I’m not good with compliments, which isn’t really that big a deal. A lot of people are bad with compliments. The reason’s usually the same, broadly speaking. It’s a self-esteem issue. When someone compliments you, there’s this innate desire to get the attention off you. I don’t like the attention, and I’m not sure why. Sometimes it feels like pity, but that’s not always the case. Even when I think that I did do a good job, I shy away from that kind of attention, and I don’t know why that happens. Do I think I'm not deserving of_ _praise? Is this also a way of punishing myself for my anxiety?_

Kyungsoo messes with his white shirt. Baekhyun had only tucked in the front and left the back out, but Kyungsoo’s not sure he likes it. It’s not like you can tell because Baekhyun had also thrown a black button down over it, so the shirt looks like it’s completely tucked in. The question is if it already looks completely tucked in, why can’t he completely tuck it in?

“Chill out, Kyung. It looks good,” Minseok takes his hand and interlocks their fingers. Kyungsoo squeezes it. He’s not super nervous mentally, but his stomach bubbles a little. He grabs Minseok’s other hand and swings it between them. He’s a little jittery. 

“Why can’t I tuck it in?” Kyungsoo juts out his lower lip and whines at Minseok. It’s exaggerated, but even he knows his nitpickiness about the shirt is the performance that’s only 5 minutes away. Maybe he’s more nervous than he thinks.

“It’s fashion,” Minseok mocks. Baekhyun had said the same thing with a snap of his fingers when Kyungsoo had originally asked. He bursts into giggles and places his head against Kyungsoo’s neck, still laughing. He’s been giggling for the past hour at any little thing that’s remotely funny. On anyone else it’d be annoying, but it’s Minseok, and they’re about to perform for the talent show. 3 minutes. 8 weeks of work for one 10 minute set.

Arms encircle Kyungsoo from behind. “I want to be apart of this. I’m nervous. I’ve only ever done showcases with the dance team, but this is a competition. I’ve never competed before. This isn’t like a test. The results are subjective.”

“The results are subjective, but we’re the best. No one will have a performance like ours,” Jongdae says coming up behind Minseok and clamping a hand on his shoulder. It’s the most physical affection Jongdae’s willing to initiate. He’s also clearly nervous then.

“And we’ll win. It’d be stupid for us not to be. We’re the best. Everyone else sucks compared to us, and we go on in a minute. After the Dancing Kittens or whatever, I wasn’t paying attention,” Baekhyun holds out a fist. They all disentangle themselves and hold out their own fists. Baekhyun breathes out heavily, “Let’s go,” They double-tap their fists together before shuffling over to the curtain. It’s time.


	48. Week 8, Clip 6

_Saturday, May 25 th, 2019_

_I don’t do double entries a lot, but lately there feels a need to say more, and maybe I should start acting on it. Writing for Bang has been helpful, and I’ve said that before, but now it feels more important. Like maybe writing’s something I want to do professionally. Like I think I might be that good at it. In some ways it’s the most therapeutic thing I do too. For a while, it was my only way to decompress from my own thoughts. If I wrote them down then they were out of my brain instead of bouncing around inside ready for me to overthink them. Writing’s helped me a lot._

Baekhyun reverently strokes the plastic gold of their trophy as he sits on Kyungsoo’s bed. The party rages on, and Kyungsoo means rages on, on the other side of the door. There are over a hundred people in his and Ryeowook’s apartments, choosing to use the fire escape to get between the two apartments no matter how many times he and Ryeowook pushed them to use the stairs inside of the building. Baekhyun had asked to come in here, so no one decides to use their first place trophy as a cup. It does unfortunately look too much like a chalice.

Kyungsoo rocks his head back and forth. He has so much energy, so much energy. After they were crowned the winners, all of them had experienced an adrenaline rush that still has its aftereffects working through their bloodstreams. Kyungsoo’s so out of it. He can’t focus for more than a minute before he goes back to thinking of the announcer calling their name. Based on Baekhyun’s worship of the plastic trophy, Kyungsoo thinks he’s probably is a similar state of distraction. It is possibly the best time to do this—

“Baekhyun, I have anxiety.” The way Kyungsoo says it is clear and crisp, and so much different from how he cried it out to Minseok all those weeks ago. And even though the circumstances between those two events are very different, he still tells himself that’s he’s done a good job. 

“Ah, okay. That makes sense. I was trying to talk to Minseok about Jisoo in our math class and he got super defensive about it. He had never said anything before, but you having anxiety makes sense.” 

Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to respond to that, but Baekhyun doesn’t seem much interested in continuing the conversation, so Kyungsoo doesn’t try. He just stands there until he thinks Baekhyun’s been stroking the trophy for too long.

“Hey, man, do you want to go back to the party? I’ll lock the door as we leave so no one can get the trophy.” 

Baekhyun strokes the trophy one more time before getting it up and placing it on Kyungsoo’s bedside table. Kyungsoo waits to the side so that Baekhyun can go first, but when Baekhyun puts his hand on the handle, he stops and turns around to look at Kyungsoo. His face is oddly serious. There’s a determined set to his jaw, and his eyes have lost their unfocused look.

“It can be hard to admit that there’s a problem, and a lot of people would rather ignore that there is a problem and run themselves ragged. So the fact that you’ve acknowledged there is a problem is really good, I think. I’m really happy for you.” And then Baekhyun opens and closes the door behind him, leaving Kyungsoo alone in the room. 

There are tears in his eyes, the kind of tears that come when he’s sincerely complimented by someone, but he doesn’t want the attention. There’s no threat of them falling because they’re barely there, but it’s enough to leave Kyungsoo surprised. He blinks them away quickly before smiling to himself. It’s a giddy sort of smile, and he’s really surprised that Baekhyun can inspire such feelings in him, but maybe that was his fault for underestimating Baekhyun as a friend.

The party outside is still strong even though it’s been over 2 hours since people have piled into his apartment. He hadn’t noticed this the last time because everything had been absolute shit, but he does not like everyone being here in his apartment. He actually truly hates it. There’s six people sitting on his couch with their dirty shoes on his table, four people sitting on the bar, eight people on his table, and a million more stomping over his carpet. He catches someone slide themselves through his window. Ryeowook’s room is in probably the same or worse condition than his is.

Kyungsoo scratches his head. He’s not sure he can hang out here. He still feels a little emotional from Baekhyun’s words, so it won’t take him much to push him over the edge. He should probably try to escape for a little while and then come back. Maybe he can get Minseok to come up to the roof with him, but a quick scan of the room lets Kyungsoo know that Minseok probably won’t want to come up to the roof with him. Minseok’s making out with some third year in one of Kyungsoo’s armchairs.

Ryeowook, wearing a cowboy hat and pulling Seulgi behind him, streaks past him, whooping. They look like they’re having the time of their life. And that really decides it for Kyungsoo to go up to the roof by himself. He’ll stay up there for an hour, come back down for an hour and then kick them out. Then he’ll spend tomorrow disinfecting his apartment.

He manages to weave his way through the people and then slip out his own front door. He leans against it. Just having this small barrier between him and the party makes him feel a bit better, like he can breath easier.

The door opens in and Kyungsoo stumbles back. Kyungsoo looks up, startled. Jongin smiles down at him. “Hey, I thought I saw you slip out.”

Kyungsoo stands up and turns around, “Yeah, it’s a bit stifling in there. Thought I’d escape for a bit.”

“Can I join?”

The question is sweet and sincere and said with absolutely no expectation for a positive answer that Kyungsoo hums and nods. “Yeah, I’m just going to up to the roof. It’s a nice night tonight.”

Jongin follows Kyungsoo over to the staircase and once they’re in the stairwell itself, he gently takes Kyungsoo’s hand and holds it as Kyungsoo leads them up to the roof. The sky is clear, and it’s dry and warm tonight, none of the oppressive heat that occurs during the day. It feels like summer is just around the corner, like it’ll be here in two weeks, right when school’s out. Kyungsoo rolls his shoulders. He’s relaxed.

“It’s pretty nice up here,” Jongin comments. He’s working his way to the farside of the roof, looking at all of the junk the tenants keep there. Kyungsoo and Ryeowook (And Seulgi even though she’s not a real tenant) both keep various plastic lawn furniture up there when they want to go on picnics.

“Yeah, it’s fun to sit out here sometimes,” Kyungsoo replies. He picks Ryeowook’s purple lawnchair that he found in a dumpster. It’s missing its right arm, so Kyungsoo leans heavily on the left. He just watches Jongin poke around the roof. It’s a luxury he’s never really allowed himself. He doesn’t like admitting that he finds people attractive. It makes him feel awkward. He hardly ever talks about boys or girls around school that he finds attractive. But this is Jongin, and it’s just as hard to admit that Kyungsoo finds him attractive, but somewhat easier all the same. Jongin’s just lean lines all around, a true dancer’s body, and warm skin.

Warmth. It’s what Kyungsoo’s been thinking lately whenever he sees Jongin: warmth. Jongin’s just filled with it. In his behavior, his movements, his eyes, his touch. Jongin’s the embodiment of warmth.

The seat Jongin chooses to take is the one right next to Kyungsoo. It was originally white, but someone had decided to spray paint it gold. It has both of its arms, and yet Jongin chooses to lean on the right arm only. His forearm touches Kyungsoo’s and their faces are only centimeters apart.

“I really enjoyed hearing you sing tonight. There was no question that you’d be the winner.” Jongin’s not looking at him. He’s looking down at where there hands are almost touching. He knocks his knuckles against the back of Kyungsoo’s hand.

Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh. He lets his fingers tangle with Jongin’s. “I think you’re a bit biased.”

“Yeah, I am.”

Kyungsoo feels like the breath has been sucked out of his lungs. He tightens his hold on Jongin’s hand and leans forward to press his forehead against Jongin’s. He chokes a bit before he’s able to speak, “I really like you Jongin.” 

It’s insufficient, but then everything is too insufficient for Kyungsoo to accurately describe what he feels towards Jongin. Just yesterday, he could easily think that he liked Jongin, but even that doesn’t feel like it's enough to describe how happy Jongin makes him. How happy and warm and fluttery. It’s more than like. It’s so much more than like.

Jongin laughs. It’s soft and low and full of affection. “I really like you too.” He pushes forward even more so that they’re noses touch. Small puffs of breath.

Kyungsoo pushes forward the last few centimeters to kiss Jongin, even though he’s probably smiling too much for it to be a good kiss. It’s fine though, since Jongin’s smiling too.


	49. Week 9, Clip 1

_Monday, May 27 th, 2019_

_There’s a fern in Ryeowook’s apartment. It’s really finicky for some reason. Even if Ryeowook waters it consistently, sometimes it still droops. So he’s started taking it up to the roof for sunlight every day. He once told me he got it because it gave him purpose. It would die if he didn’t take care of it, and sometimes, in his worst moments, it helped knowing that something depended on him so completely. He would not be the reason that the plant died._

Kyungsoo hands his tea over to Yixing. Without even looking at it, Yixing takes a long sip before making a disgusted face and handing it back, “That’s disgusting, Kyung.” 

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t want to be alone in tasting it. It’s from that new place that opened down the street. It’s their weekly special.”

“I guess special doesn’t really have to mean that it's good.” He makes one more face as he realizes that the flavor’s stuck to his tongue before going back to rifling through his locker. Kyungsoo continues to lean against the locker next to Yixing’s. He takes another sip of his tea. It’s growing on him.

“Hey, guys!” Baekhyun’s a little breathless when he comes up to them. It looks like he’s been running. Yixing grabs Kyungsoo’s tea and holds it out to Baekhyun. “Try this. You look thirsty.”

Baekhyun doesn’t question the offered drink and takes a greedy gulp. No expression of disgust appears on his face. He even has the gall to lick his lips afterwards. “This is pretty good. This is the weekly special from that new coffee place, right?”

Yixing fixes his most judgmental stare on Baekhyun’s face. “Be honest with me. You don’t have tastebuds, do you?”

“I’m just not as picky as you. You’re the one that won’t eat watermelon because it’s too sweet,” Baekhyun argues back. “Anyway, where’s Min and Dae?”

“Min went off campus with Jun and Siwon, and I think Jongdae’s trying to woo that 2nd year I think. He bought a can of condensed coffee milk, and went off. He hates sweet coffee.” Kyungsoo thinks about taking the tea back, but Baekhyun’s already taking another sip.

“Ah okay, I’ll tell them later.”

Kyungsoo’s instantly on guard. “Tell them what?”

“We’re throwing a party two weeks from now on Saturday.” Baekhyun’s face lights up with too much excitement, which has to highlight the fact that both Yixing and Kyungsoo look at each other uneasily.

“We’ve thrown so many parties,” Yixing ventures, sounding extremely tired.

“But this one has a very important purpose,” Baekhyun counters. 

“You’ve said that about most parties we’ve thrown.” Kyungsoo does a worse job than Yixing at keeping the tiredness out of his voice.

“But I really mean it for this one. Hear me out. So what happens to Jongin and his friends once they graduate?” 

Without any clue of possibly knowing what Baekhyun’s trying to go for, Kyungsoo hesitatingly says, “they leave?”

“Yes!” Baekhyun exclaims with too much excitement. He’s at an 11; Kyungsoo needs him to be at a 1. “And when that happens, there will be a popular crowd void ready for us to fill if we throw the best end-of-the-year party this school has ever seen.” His eyes are sparkling.

“Chanyeol and his friends with be the popular kids next year. They’re already partially integrated with Jongin’s crowd. I don’t think there will even be a void.” Yixing tries to be soothing. Potential popularity is a minefield of a conversation when it comes to Baekhyun. 

“And we’re going to steal it from them. We’re in party planning mode from now on, people.”

Kyungsoo and Yixing share one last look with each other. They’re resigned to their fate. Baekhyun’s got that steely look in his eyes and the hard set to his jaw that means pig-headed stubbornness. They’re throwing a party.


	50. Week 9, Clip 2

_Tuesday, May 28 th, 2019_

_You know that phenomenon where you can recognize other people’s problems without making any connection that you have the same problem? There are people who are doormats to other people’s wants, and I can think through that phenomenon pretty easily. People let themselves be doormats because they think the only way they can be liked is if they’re useful. Ryeowook’s accused me of this behavior before, and I never really believed him. But that’s because it was never bad. But he’s right, I never said no, never intended to say no. They’re my friends. I don’t want to disappoint them. But I won’t disappoint them by saying no. Sometimes I need to say no. They’re my friends. They love me. They’ll understand. They won’t be disappointed with me. I’m going to learn to say no._

Kyungsoo’s been thinking about the party. Well, not the party specifically, but about Jongin and the party. Kyungsoo feels pretty confident in his relationship with Jongin in that they are in a relationship, and well, he thinks he’d like to show it. Everything’s been pretty secretive between them so far. Even Minseok knows only the bare bones of it all. But he’s made a pact with himself to be more truthful with his friends, and Jongin now seems to be apart of his life. So he’s going to tell them. God, this is nerve-wracking. In some ways, it’s worse than telling them about his anxiety (excluding Jongdae) since his anxiety affected only him. Jongin affected their entire group because he fucked over Baekhyun. But Jongin’s different now. Kyungsoo knows it. Jongin’s a decent person now. He listens and he changes. He’s different. He’s different. He’s differ—

“I’m dating Jongin.” 

Kyungsoo’s somehow made a transition from not telling anyone anything to blurting everything out, and he’s not sure he likes the change. When he made the decision to start telling the guys things about himself, he had the idea that he be calm, cool and collected about it. Maybe one day, but for now he’ll have to settle for being Blurty McBlurterson.

Minseok doesn’t look at him, just continues to peoplewatch outside of the window, but he does pat Kyungsoo’s thigh comfortingly underneath the table. They’re at the new café that does the terrible weekly special, but it’s cheap and they serve real ice cream. All four of them (Baekhyun had his mysterious appointment today) have chosen a booth in the back corner that has one side attached to the window. Minseok had spent the last fifteen minutes amusing them by making up stories about the various people who cross by until Kyungsoo had decided it was time to blurt things out.

Yixing pauses in swirling his quickly melting ice cream around for only a second before stabbing into it to take a bite, “Good for you, I think. He’s hot. Are you sure he’s not doing to you what he did to Baekhyun?” 

“We haven’t had sex. He’s different now, I think.” Like every time Kyungsoo’s shocking news is met with calmness, maybe even indifference, he gets uneasy. 

“Xixi’s right. He’s hot. Good catch, man. How long have you been dating?” Jongdae sucks at his milkshake. He’s smiling at Kyungsoo, which calms Kyungsoo down a little bit.

“A couple of weeks,” Kyungsoo has no idea really how long. Does he count from the first date? Does he count form dinner with Jongin’s mother? The makeout session on the couch last Friday? Honestly who knows, not Kyungsoo. He doesn’t really care either. 

“Ahh, sounds legit. I haven’t heard of Jongin spending more than a week per person. Good going. You’re going to tell Baekhyun, right?” 

Kyungsoo nods. Of course he’s going to tell Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s his friend, but Kyungsoo understands the question. They’re all calm because Jongin never meant much to them, but for a time, Jongin meant everything to Baekhyun. None of them were ever sure how much he actually liked Jongin, because there was definitely a part of Baekhyun that liked Jongin for his status. So while Kyungsoo was nervous to tell the guys, he’s anxious about telling Baekhyun. There's no telling how he'll react. Maybe it’s why he chose today when he knows that Baekhyun’s busy instead of tomorrow when they could all hang out. Jongdae’s asked a good question. 

“You’ve been happier lately, I thought it was because of us, but really it’s because you’re dating Jongin Kim, Hot Boy Extraordinaire,” Minseok’s tone is teasing, but Kyungsoo reacts like it’s serious all the same. He loops his arm around Minseok’s and lays his head on his shoulder.

“No, no, no, my happiness is all you guys. This is the most loving foursome in all of Seoul. MinSooYiDae for life.” 

Yixing shakes his head. “I’ve seen Jongin, so I don’t think so. You’ve got the hottest boy in school on your arm, which is impressive. And I am rooting for you wholeheartedly, and since you know that I support you, I think you should tell me how big his dick is.”

“We haven’t had sex yet!” Kyungsoo whisper-exclaims. This is a family establishment. An entire classroom of primary school children has walked by their table.

Jongdae holds up both of his hands, “We know, but when you do. We couldn’t ask Baekhyun because, well, you know what happened. We’ve always been interested.”

“Why?” Kyungsoo’s not even sure how they switched conversation topics this fast, but he wishes it would happen again. This conversation makes him more uncomfortable than it would have a month ago. His dreams have gotten too specific for this to be a fun topic of discussion.

“We have a theory,” Minseok says joining in, “that the most popular guys in school are popular, in part, because they have big dicks. Now we know for a fact that Jungwoo, the most popular guy from last year, and Shinyun, from the year before that, were pretty hung. If we can add Jongin to the list, we have a pretty good data sample. So it’s actually pretty important that you tell us when we know.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, “I don’t actually think I’m going to tell you.” 

Yixing takes another bite of ice cream, “I think you will actually. Just wait.”


	51. Week 9, Clip 3

_Wednesday, May 29 th, 2019_

_I grew up in Busan, went to America from ages 14-16, and then came back to Korea, but relocated to Seoul. I think my purpose in saying that is I had friends growing up, but childhood friends don’t stay in touch much, and in America I also had friends, but I don’t think any of us thought of each other much when I had to leave. Ryeowook, Seulgi, and the guys are my first real friends you know. Minseok especially. I’ve never cared for some so much as Minseok, but I’m finding in some ways I feel just as strongly towards the rest of the guys. Even Baekhyun. I really love all of my friends, and I’m so lucky to have them._

 

Baekhyun doesn’t like being alone. He’s the textbook definition of extrovert. But, in Kyungsoo’s experience, he likes to shack out in one of the practice rooms on the fourth floor during his free period. It’s also’s Kyungsoo’s free period, but he’s always assumed that their free periods are their own and not to be spent together. Today, though, Kyungsoo would like Baekhyun to be alone. He already feels guilty for dating Jongin. Especially considering how dismissive he was last semester whenever Baekhyun so much as even mentioned Jongin. And Baekhyun never talked too much about having sex with Jongin, aside from the initial bragging, so Kyungsoo had always assumed it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about or even remember.

And now, here Kyungsoo is, going to talk about Jongin with Baekhyun. Nervous might be an understatement. He can feel pressure in his temples and worst-case scenarios banging to get inside his brain. He takes a deep, calming breath to no avail.

Baekhyun’s sitting with his back leaning against the glassdoor of the practice room. He’s revising for final exams next week. This is probably the only time Kyungsoo’s ever seen Baekhyun study. He knocks tentatively on the glass. Baekhyun tilts his head back and smiles hugely when he sees that it’s him. He scoots forward so Kyungsoo can ease his way into the practice room.

“Kyung! I didn’t expect to see you during free period. I thought you’d be holed up in the library as usual. What’s up?”

“I have something to tell you,” Kyungsoo says frankly. He’s not going to blurt it out, but man, does he wish, he could do this more naturally. He should have engaged in small talk for just a bit, at the very least.

Baekhyun closes his textbook and folds his legs underneath him. “Okay, shoot. What do you want to talk about? Is it about the party? We’re not going to hold it at your place. There are some venues I’ve been looking at. There’s the lot behind Minseok’s house, which might be good.” He lights up as he talks about the party, as he usually does when talking about parties.

“Uh not, not about the party. I wanted to tell you that I’m dating Jongin.”

And just like that, the lights go out. Baekhyun’s face drops all expression. Kyungsoo can feel his heart hammering outside of his chest.

Baekhyun starts to blink very quickly. “Uh, that’s, um, nice.” And that’s all he says. Kyungsoo just waits. This is a very different type of silence than any he’s experienced. Baekhyun’s face is doggedly set in an expression of neutrality, but every flutter of an eyelash and twitch of the mouth sets Kyungsoo further and further on edge. Finally, he opens his mouth only to close it again as he moves his stare to the floor. Not yet.

Eventually, he opens his mouth and moves it, “I know it seems like I’m upset, and maybe I am a bit, but I don’t want you to think that it’s at you. I’m just very surprised, and I think I need time to think. And, uh, while I think, I would like it if you didn’t contact me. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course,” Kyungsoo can’t agree fast enough because in the first place, what else can he do. And in the second place, he’s willing to give Baekhyun whatever he wants. Already, the guilt is setting in hard and fast, working it’s way into his bloodstream. His left arm is actually twinging with how terrible he feels. How could he do this to Baekhyun? He should have known Baekhyun would have been hurt. God! How could he have been so callous?

Baekhyun stands up and opens the door to leave, not even registering that his bookbag is still on the floor. Halfway out the door, he turns back to face Kyungsoo’s general direction, eyes still firmly on the floor. “I think you’re going to try to break up with Jongin because of me, and I don’t want that. I don’t want that. I just need time to think. I want to be happy for you, so I just need time. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo tries to say, but it just comes out as a whisper. Baekhyun nods once before closing the door leaving Kyungsoo, swimming in guilt, alone in the room.


	52. Week 9, Clip 4

_Thursday, May 30 th, 2019_

_My host mom watched a lot of soap operas, and their reactions are always loud and over the top. Someone usually gets a drink thrown in their face, and I think that portrayal affected me a lot more than I thought. Every time I’ve told someone something I’ve always expected some kind of boisterous response, something loud to reflect how important or scary I thought the event was. But it’s always been carefree responses, which are good. But Baekhyun’s quiet, controlled response was worse. It’s like he was so shocked, he lacked the energy to be as loud as he usually was._

Kyungsoo’s invited Jongin over to his apartment after school, or, well, after dance practice for Jongin. Kyungsoo knows what Baekhyun said, but he’s not sure how he can continue to date Jongin when Baekhyun’s so obviously hurt. He really likes Jongin though. He really, really likes Jongin, and he doesn’t want to break up with him. He’s not sure how much stock he places in high school relationships especially since he’s in one, but he thinks Jongin and him have something really special. So he’s nervous. He’s not sure what he’s going to do. His stomach is bubbling.

There’s a knock on the door. Kyungsoo actually jumps before he rushes over to the door to open it. Jongin’s leaning against the door frame, breathing slightly hard from walking up five flights (the elevator’s broken), and smiles widely at Kyungsoo. He swoops down to steal a quick kiss before he walks in. Kyungsoo closes the door slowly, trying to fortify himself for what’s about to come.

Jongin’s standing kind of helplessly in the kitchenette area. Kyungsoo gestures to the couch. “Please sit.”

“I’m kind of sweaty.”

Kyungsoo waves a shaky hand. The couch is leather. Everything wipes off. “Please.” Kyungsoo would prefer that Jongin’s comfortable for what he’s about to do.

Jongin looks at him oddly, but he takes the seat. Kyungsoo knows he looks like a nervous wreck. It’s his first time doing something like this, so of course he’s nervous. It doesn’t matter if Jongin knows he’s nervous anyway. If anything, it’s probably good, because Jongin’s caring. He’ll ask Kyungsoo’s what’s wrong, and then Kyungsoo can just come out with it.

Jongin toes off his shoes and lets himself fall back into the couch. He sighs gratefully. “Ugh, I’m so tired. Even though we’re graduating in a week, Oh’s pushing us like we’ve got nationals next week.”

“Do you want some water?”

“Yes please.”

Kyungsoo putters around his kitchen for a needlessly long time under the guise of getting water. He’s going to chicken out. He knows it. He knows he knows it. When he moves across the apartment to hand Jongin the glass, Jongin looks up at him with concern in his eyes. “Hey, are you okay?”

This is too quick, too fast. Kyungsoo panics. “Yes, I’m fine. Would you like to watch TV?”

Jongin looks like he doesn’t believe him, but that’s fair. Kyungsoo knows he probably has crazy eyes. He picks up the remote and clicks to the cooking channel. It’s another food competition. They’re about as inoffensive as anything, so he keeps it on there and sits down. It doesn’t matter that Jongin never answered the question. He scoots closer so that his side is flush with Jongin. He needs a little more courage, and the solid presence of Jongin helps.

Jongin lifts an arm and drops it over Kyungsoo’s shoulder, pulling him closer. Kyungsoo rests his head on Jongin’s shoulder. He wants to appear casual no matter how flimsy the illusion is. He knows he’s looking at the TV, but he’s not seeing any of it. He’s too wrapped up in his own thoughts. He doesn’t want to blurt anything out, but he’s not sure he’ll have the courage to say it otherwise.

“I missed you this week. We should try to hang out more even if it’s for just a few minutes a day.” Jongin soothingly rubs his thumb back and forth over Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Kyungsoo hones in on the dragging sensation, the way his t-shirt moves with the motion. He almost imagines that he can feel the heat of Jongin’s skin through the material, and that’s the impetus he needs.

“I told my friends about you.”

“Oh, you did?” Jongin sounds pleased, “I told Sehun after our first date. Now that they know, we can start hanging out in school. Unless you don’t want the rest of the school to know, which is also fine. Do you want them to know?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t care about what their classmates think. They turned against Minseok in a heartbeat. Kyungsoo has no respect for them. “I don’t really care about whether they know or not. I only care about my friends’ opinion, and Baekhyun reacted rather poorly when I told him.” 

Jongin removes his arm from around Kyungsoo and turns to face him. His eyebrows are furrowed. “Baekhyun reacted poorly?”

“Yeah, he was just really shocked. He’s not against it,” Kyungsoo rushes to assure him, but he then almost immediately curls in on himself, “but he asked for time to think about it, and not contact him until he’s done.”

Jongin drops his head down into his hands. Kyungsoo hears him sigh very heavily. Jongin looks up very abruptly. His jaw is clenched and his eyebrows are still furrowed. “I’m guessing then that you want to break up because of Baekhyun’s reaction.” 

Kyungsoo doesn’t respond, but he frowns and that’s answer enough for Jongin. He sighs again. But this one’s different than the first one. The first one was an “of course, it’s this” kind of sigh. This one is resigned and maybe even a little angry. 

“I really like you, Kyungsoo,” Jongin speaks slowly like he’s carefully considering all of his words, but he’s not looking at Kyungsoo. His gaze is too low; he’s probably looking at Kyungsoo’s hands which are clasped together, agitatedly squeezing each other. It probably means that Jongin's trying to control his anger. “Sometimes I think it’s more than just like, but it feels like every instance of our relationship has been defined by someone else. A lot of the time I feel like it’s Baekhyun, sometimes Sehun, and sometimes even Taemin. But it’s hardly ever just you and me, the only people that should matter in this. In the beginning, it was Baekhyun, which was understandable. I screwed up. I get that. Then it was Sehun, which again was somewhat understandable. And now it’s Baekhyun again, when it shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t be about him again. It’s just us.”

Kyungsoo feels like he wants to cry. Jongin’s right. Every reason he had against Jongin was based on someone else, and there’s merit to that, but only to a point. There’s merit to it now though, because Jongin didn’t see the way Baekhyun’s expression fell when Kyungsoo told him, how he lost the light and energy in his being and just became…void. Jongin didn’t see any of that.

“But Baekhyun’s my friend, Jongin.” It’s inadequate for what Kyungsoo’s thinking about, but he feels incapable of anything good in this moment. He’s the villain in this situation, and he’s accepted it.

Jongin lets out an audible huff of frustration. “And I’m your boyfriend, Kyungsoo. Does that not count for anything?”

Kyungsoo looks up hastily. “Yes, yes, it means so much, Jongin, but I don’t want anyone to be unhappy because we’re dating.”

“So you’d risk us being unhappy so everyone else is happy?”

“No, no, I don’t want that either.” Kyungsoo can feel the tears start to well up in his eyes. He doesn't know anymore. He scrubs his tears away angrily. If he starts crying, he won’t be able to talk and then they really will get nowhere.

Jongin visibly softens when he sees Kyungsoo’s tears, he gently takes Kyungsoo’s hands in his, “Kyungsoo, are you happy when you're with me?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t move his gaze from where it rests on their hands. Jongin’s gently rubbing his thumb across his palm. “Yeah, I’m really happy when I’m with you.”

“Isn’t that enough?” Jongin’s voice is soft and sad.

Kyungsoo swallows thickly and looks Jongin straight in the eye. He needs to be clear. “I want it to be, but Baekhyun’s one of my closest friends, and I’m not sure I can date you knowing he’s bothered by it.”

Jongin sucks in his bottom lip and chews on it while he nods. He drags his teeth harshly across it before he speaks, “Okay. I’m not going to be the one to break up with you. I don’t think I can. If we break up, it’ll be because you said so. But until you decide one way or another, I’m going to keep my distance and let you think because I don’t think I want to hang around you when you’re not sure about us.”

Kyungsoo nods, because what else can he do? If Jongin doesn’t want to be around him then Kyungsoo shouldn’t ask for anything differently. “Okay.”

Jongin leans forward and presses his lips against Kyungsoo’s forehead. A tear escapes from Kyungsoo’s left eye at the touch. Jongin leans back.“I like you a lot, Kyungsoo. I don’t want you to doubt that, but I do think space is what we need right now though.”

Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to look Jongin in the eye, so he nods again. They’re not breaking up. They’re still dating. They're not breaking up. Jongin still likes him. Jongin still—

“I’m going to leave, okay? I’ll see you at school. I like you a lot.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything as Jongin gets up and puts his shoes back on. Doesn’t say anything when Jongin walks to the door and opens it, and he doesn’t even turn around when he hears the door closing. Then it's just Kyungsoo by himself. Again.


	53. Week 9, Clip 5

_Friday, May 31 st, 2019_

_A lot of pop culture is about people failing and then overcoming their failings to become even better. And failure is something that we see good parents or good teachers teach as a positive thing in movies. It isn’t like that in real life. People don’t like it when you fail. They hate it, and you don’t like to disappoint them, so you try. But when you keep failing, it’s harder to overcome and then you can’t. You crumble. There’s no victorious overcoming, just fear, and guilt and frustration and sadness and anxiety. What do you do when you don’t overcome?_

When Kyungsoo wants to feel simple and clean like he’s not a complex human being who’s currently wading through the muck of his personal life, he wears black converses, a white t-shirt, plain blue jeans, and a black baseball cap backwards. He sees the ball fly out of the machine. He takes a step forward and swings. The crack of the ball against the bat makes his soul sing. When Kyungsoo wants to feel simple and clean like he’s not a complex human being who’s currently wading through the muck of his personal life, he plays with a wooden bat.

“Ooo, you’re wild today. I haven’t seen you hit this well since you were under my personal tutelage,” Seulgi woops from the other side of the cage. She rattles the cage in lieu of applause. “Man, if metal bats weren’t better, I’d play with a wooden bat in a heartbeat. There’s no better sound. If I could make it my ringtone, I would.”

That’s enough for Ryeowook to take his eyes off Kyungsoo and give Seulgi a withering glance, “What does Moonbyul think about your unhealthy obsession with baseball?”

“Do you mean ‘what does Moonbyul think about your completely normal obsession with baseball’, because if so, she thinks it’s endearing.”

“Did she say that? Did she actually say to you ‘Seulgi, I find your completely unhealthy obsession with baseball endearing’? Did she say that? Or are you lying to me?” 

“Let’s get something clear first. My obsession is completely normal.”

Ryeowook scoffs. They’ve stopped paying attention to Kyungsoo completely. “You flew to Japan to watch the Carps play for the title.”

“That was an anniversary trip with Moonbyul, so we both went and that was just one of the things we did while we were there. You’re just bringing it up because you’re jealous that I saw Kenta Maeda play in the flesh.”

Kyungsoo’s focused on the ball, so he doesn’t see what Ryeowook’s doing, but he assumes Ryeowook's turned to look at Kyungsoo so he can address him. “Kyungsoo, unless you tell us what’s wrong, we are going to keep doing this.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t look away from the machine. He knows what he’s wearing, what he’s doing, which means that Ryeowook and Seulgi know what’s up. He hits a couple more balls while he thinks of what he wants to say.

“I don’t really want to talk about it. The root of the problem is I don’t like making people unhappy, and it seems like no matter my choice, someone will be unhappy. So I want to wrestle with it by myself for a bit.” It sounds mature when Kyungsoo says it, but he’s a little embarrassed. The situation he’s in seems like it could have been completely avoidable if only he had been smarter about it. If he had told Baekhyun that he liked Jongin or just ignored Jongin completely. There is a part of him that acknowledges that this is stupid, but it still doesn’t take away the embarrassment. If he had just been different, this could have been avoided.

“I can’t believe you’re going to make me do this, Soo.” Kyungsoo’s not stupid enough to look away from a machine that hurls balls at him 120 kph, so he has to wait to see what Ryeowook means by his words. When he hears the beeping of the keypad, he groans outloud.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Kyungsoo will deny that he’s whining right now until his dying day.

“Okay, we won’t talk about it, but I will talk at you.” Ryeowook and Seulgi have come into the batting cage at this point. “I think you know this, but you can’t make everyone happy, but you can make yourself happy.”

“I’m happy when everyone’s happy,” Kyungsoo replies petutantly. He came out to the batting cages so he didn’t have to think about this. It’s still too fresh. His heart actually ached when he saw Jongin laughing with his friends today and this was already on top of avoiding his friends today, so he didn’t have to explain about Baekhyun. Can’t he just forget for a bit?

“Well now you’re just being difficult.”

“Why can’t I be difficult for once in my life? I feel like I’m always doing what other people want. Why can’t I be difficult?” Kyungsoo’s only aware of what he’s said after it’s out in the open. Everything was going fine when he did what he wanted, but the moment he did something he wanted, he got himself into this kind of situation. Why can’t he be difficult?

“That’s some repressed anger if I ever saw it. Is this about Baekhyun and Jongin?” Seulgi’s smiling at him teasingly. Kyungsoo knows that she’s trying to keep the mood light, but it just makes him frustrated. This isn’t a light situation. He’s fucked up, and it seems like there’s no way out.

“How do you know?” It comes out dull and lifeless. Kyungsoo just wants to get this over with.

“Minseok told me. He texts the both of us when he’s worried about you, you know.” Seulgi’s lost her teasing quality for something softer. 

No, Kyungsoo didn’t know, but what does it matter anymore? “Yeah, it’s about them. I told Baekhyun I was dating Jongin, and he reacted badly. And then I told Jongin about Baekhyun and more shit came out. And long story short, neither of them are talking to me. Baekhyun said he’ll approach me, and Jongin said he doesn’t want to talk to me till I’ve decided, which means I have to wait for Baekhyun to talk to me, and I don’t know when that will happen.” He leans against his bat. It sounds so much worse when he says it all in one go like that.

“Why do you have to wait for Baekhyun?” Ryeowook looks as confused as Kyungsoo feels.

“Because I have to know if Baekhyun is okay with me dating Jongin,” Kyungsoo huffs out. He’s said this already.

“And why does it matter if Baekhyun is okay with it?” Seulgi asks with the Deceptively Soft Voice™. It’s Kyungsoo’s turn to scoff. He knows what she’s aiming for. Yes, he gets that he doesn’t need Baekhyun’s approval for his relationship. Jongin said it yesterday, and he acknowledges that it’s probably correct. But he doesn’t want Baekhyun to be unhappy. There are too many signs that Baekhyun isn’t happy a lot of the time, and he would like to not be one of the reasons.

“Because he’s my friend and we hang out and I want to not have screwed him over.”

“Baekhyun will get over it,” Ryeowook says gently.

“Yes, but what if he doesn’t. He’s obsessed over Jongin for a long time. What if he decides that I’ve betrayed him by dating Jongin? What if he never talks to me again? What if because of this, the friend group breaks up?” Kyungsoo is voicing fears he didn’t know he had.

“These are worst case scenarios.”

Kyungsoo feels the fight leave him in one giant whoosh. He squats down. He feels very tired.

“I know they’re worst case scenarios, but it’s what my mind goes to, and I can’t shake them. Logically, I know Baekhyun’s a great friend and he’ll get over it because he does want to be happy for me, but what if he doesn’t? I can’t shake the possibility away. Even thinking about dating Jongin without thinking of Baekhyun has me swimming in guilt.”

Seulgi drops down next him, sitting on her heels. “It sounds like you already have the solution, and I think you’re right. I think Baekhyun will get over it because he sees that you’re happy with Jongin. It’s on you to act on it though.”

Kyungsoo sighs because yeah. That’s it, isn’t it? He does know. He just doesn’t want be the deciding factor in this situation, but that’s how it was always going to play out. It’s not up to Baekhyun or Jongin. It’s up to him.


	54. Week 9, Clip 6

_Saturday, June 1 st, 2019_

_When people don’t know what they want, they try to make other people decide. You see it all the time in literature. The protagonist will leave their fate up to someone else because they don’t know. I don’t want to let someone else decide my fate for me just because I don’t know. There’s going to be a lot of times that I don’t know. I’ll probably have more ‘I don’t know’ than ‘I know’ in my life. If I want to get anywhere, I’m going to have to decide no matter what I do or don't know. I don’t want to be passive in my own life. It's been nothing but trouble._

When Kyungsoo sees Sehun standing in his door, he smiles ruefully to himself. Of course, Sehun’s here. They’ve never talked before, but here he is standing outside Kyungsoo’s apartment only days after his argument with Jongin. Of course. 

“Hello Sehun, here to give me your own two-cents on my relationship with Jongin?” He understands now why Jongin was so frustrated when he brought up Baekhyun. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hear anything Sehun has to say about Kyungsoo’s relationship with Jongin. It’s one thing if he’s asked for it, but he hasn’t asked Sehun.

Sehun smiles sheepishly, “I guess. Maybe not give my two-cents about the relationship. That’s between you and Jongin, but I want to tell you that Jongin’s been really mopey since you guys hung out on Thursday. He won’t tell any of us what’s wrong, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out it’s about you.” 

There’s a twinge of guilt that shoots through Kyungsoo, but it’s quickly overtaken by frustration. Sehun’s just called Kyungsoo the problem as if Kyungsoo doesn’t know that he’s the problem. But what does Sehun know? Sehun doesn’t know anything about him. He doesn’t know how much Kyungsoo has agonized over this. How he’s been mopey over not being with Jongin either. He doesn’t need Sehun here telling him this.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo’s feeling petulant. He won’t give Sehun anything.

Sehun lets out a huff of laughter. “Look, I know you don’t like me, and it’s probably fair. I know I’m not a good person, but I have no desire to be a good person. That bothers you, though. I know it’s a reason that you and Jongin have fought over. But I’m here to make a plea. If this is in anyway about me whatsoever, please do not consider me at all. Jongin’s a good guy and he doesn’t deserve to get dragged down by me.”

“Did you come all this way to just to say that?” Kyungsoo’s a little mollified by Sehun’s speech. He has a soft spot for friendship, and even though Sehun’s still a grade A dick, he seems to care deeply for Jongin.

“Yeah, I did. Jongin really likes you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this whipped for somebody. When you started dating, it was easy to tell. He was completely lovesick and moony. He became a total sap. There’s not a lot of things that could make him so happy. And I’d like to keep him happy, so I’ll do anything to help.”

Against his better judgment, Kyungsoo wrinkles his nose. Sehun’s speech hits a little too close to the root of the problem right now, but it resonates within him as well. He feels the same towards Minseok, and it’s a need that consumed him last semester since Minseok spent a good majority of the semester miserable. But it’s the same need to keep people happy that’s screwing him over right now. There’s got to be some kind of balance he can find. He pushes himself off of the doorframe and stands up straight.  “I’m still not ready to talk to him. I don’t have an answer yet.”

Sehun looks crestfallen that his plea has no effect, but Kyungsoo’s got to be honest here. He’s looking for an answer, but all he’s found are questions. Jongin told him to talk to him when he knew. He doesn't know yet. Doesn't even have an inkling of what the knowing will even look like. It'd be disingenuous on his part to go and talk to Jongin already.

“Is there anything I can do to convince you?”

“No. I just need time. I don’t know yet, but I will.” There’s no motivational conviction inside of Kyungsoo that makes him think he’ll find an answer. Whether or not he’s found what he’s looking for, he will have to make a decision. It’s not an option. 


	55. Week 10, Clip 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last week

_Sunday, June 2 nd, 2019_

_I’ve told almost everyone close to me that I have anxiety and sometimes it feels almost good. It’s not a secret, and so it feels less like I’m suffocating in my own demise. It’s just another attribute to my person. It feels less like a big deal because people know. But on the other hand, it feels like an excuse. I’m still afraid that they won’t understand what’s going on when I say I can’t go out because it’s too much. But that’s silly. I need to trust that my friends will understand. It's hard to go against something that's so engrained in my being._

Kyungsoo should be doing homework because it’s 2:30pm on a Sunday, but he doesn’t find that he can motivate himself to do it today. Instead he’s on his bed flicking through Jongin’s Instagram profile just looking at his photos. He smiles when he comes to the first photo he ever saw of Jongin and thinks of the first thing he ever said about him. _Someone who doesn’t follow people on Instagram is a fuck boy. You can do better Baekhyun._ It feels like it’s been ages even though it’s only been less than a semester. But things are so different now. Now it’s Kyungsoo going through Jongin’s Intstagram.

Kyungsoo continues to look through Jongin’s Instagram, considering each photo carefully. A lot of them are model shots, and Kyungsoo tries to find the endearing boy he’s come to like in each of them. In the slope of his nose, the small curve of his smile in a smirk, the warmth in the tilt of his head. In every photo of Jongin, Kyungsoo finds his boyfriend, and it makes his heart ache. He wants to be with him.

Kyungsoo tosses his phone to the side and rubs his face furiously into his pillow. He needs to stop. He’s just making himself sad, and that’s just going to lead to a downward spiral. He’s done well in managing his anxiety lately. He’s never gone this long in terms of meditating, and he knows he’s sad and probably deserves to wallow a little bit, but he doesn’t want to lose his progress. If he lets himself get down, he’s not sure he’ll be able to handle it. It’s currently the only thing he’s doing well right now, and he’d like to keep it that way.

He looks at his phone face down on his comforter. And he’s so close to picking it back up again when someone knocks on his door. Not his apartment door, but his bedroom door. Kyungsoo starts and looks for the baseball bat he keeps close to his bed, but before Kyungsoo can grab it, Minseok calls out, “Kyungsoo, it’s Minseok and Yixing. You left your apartment door unlocked. Can we come in?” 

Kyungsoo relaxes against his headboard. “Yeah.”

Both Minseok and Yixing look almost hesitant when they come in, but when they see Kyungsoo they smile at him. “Ah good, we thought you might be sick,” Minseok says cheerfully. He stops by Kyungsoo’s bedside table and pulls 3 chocolate bars out of his backpack and sets them down on the table. “And then when we saw you very obviously turn around after seeing us with Baekhyun, we figured some stuff out. Jongdae’s with Baekhyun today. There’s Gatorade somewhere here.”

Kyungsoo sucks in his lips. They’re not going to talk to him about Baekhyun , are they? He would like one day where he didn’t have to consciously consider the problem that he has.

“Ah,” is his intelligent reply.

Yixing hasn’t said anything yet. He’s just unloading a bunch of packs of cookies onto the dresser. There’s at least 12 packs on his dresser and Yixing’s still reaching into his bag to pull out more. Finally, after 17 packs of Kyungsoo’s favorite brand of cookies, the bag is empty. Yixing turns around.

“Lie down.”

Kyungsoo chokes on a sip of Gatorade (Minseok found it). “Excuse me?”

“Lie down.” Minseok says this.

“Why?” Minseok and Yixing are hardly ever so pushy.

“Lie down,” Yixing says, and since it’s clear that they’re not going to tell him anything, Kyungsoo lies down. Immediately Minseok and Yixing climb up the bed on either side of Kyungsoo and lie down next to him. And not with a few centimeters of space between them. Both Yixing and Minseok are half lying on top of him. Minseok lays his arm across Kyungsoo’s torso and Yixing snuggles deeper into his side. 

“What’s happening right now?” Kyungsoo’s not against anything that’s happening right now. He actually enjoys it, but he is very confused.

“We’re cuddling.” Minseok’s chin is on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, and it digs into it as Minseok talks.

“Any reason for it?”

“No, not unless you want there to be. Do you want there to be a reasons?” Yixing asks. And Kyungsoo knows what’s being said. If he wants to talk about what’s happening with Baekhyun or Jongin, he can. Or he doesn’t have to. It’s up to him. And right now he doesn’t want to, so he won’t. He settles his head against Yixing’s. Objectively, Yixing has the softest hair of the group.

“Nah, this is good.”


	56. Week 10, Clip 2

_Monday, June 3 rd, 2019_

_I like control. Everyone likes having control, but I think maybe it’s become too much. Liking control is one thing, but needing control is a problem. Needing to clean my room otherwise I increase my anxiety isn’t healthy. The entire Sunday schedule veers a little too much into the wrong direction. I think yesterday was the first day that I didn’t stick to the schedule of my own accord. I could have stuck to it. I could have kicked Minseok and Yixing out so I could do it, but I didn’t and I think I’m okay with that._

Kyungsoo’s procrastinating on deciding. He’s well aware of it. It looms over him like a pending thunderstorm, but since it’s not thundering yet, he’s going to let himself do it. And like most times when he’s procrastinating, he chooses to be productive in other ways. He’s going to find Jongdae today, and he’s going to tell Jongdae that he has anxiety. This is significant. Jongdae’s the only one who doesn’t know, and once Kyungsoo tells him, that’ll be it. Kyungsoo will be done because he will have told everyone who matters to him that he has anxiety, something he never thought they would know. And this, this is a victory that not even the worst parts of himself can diminish.

But it hasn’t happened yet. He needs to find Jongdae; the almost victory is right there, so it’s with a sort of desperation that he half jogs around the school looking for him. Kyungsoo really has no concept of Jongdae’s schedule, so it’s anyone’s guess as to where he is.

The practice rooms are Jongdae free, as is the library, the courtyard, and Jogndae's locker, which brings Kyungsoo’s search to a halt. Jongdae’s not in any of his usual spots. It’s lunchtime and he hates going offcampus in the middle of the day, so Kyungsoo knows he still has to be somewhere on campus. Without any good idea as to where Jongdae is, Kyungsoo goes to the cafeteria, a place he’s only been twice since the group usually likes to eat a practice room or the courtyard.

The cafeteria is loud and overcrowded, which makes Kyungsoo think that even if Jongdae is in here somewhere, he’s not going to find him. He could call, but there’s a part of him that doesn’t feel like he should be texting the best friend of someone who has asked for space. It’s stupid, but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to upset Baekhyun any more than he has, so he won’t be taking any chances. 

Scanning over the tables as quickly, but thoroughly, as possible proves to be a waste of time. There’s just too many people. Someone laughs so loudly that there’s a lull in the cafeteria noise as everyone looks to see who it was. Kyungsoo, too, can’t help trying to find out who laughed and hones in on the culprit, a 2nd year girl, who Jongdae happens to be sitting by. Kyungsoo can't believe his luck.

The girl laughs again, and again, it’s so loud it overtakes the room. The effect on the cafeteria is less now. Most people don’t stop talking now that they know, some look over annoyed, but Jongdae just looks charmed. This must be the girl he bought the coffee milk for. Kyungsoo can’t talk to him now then. He can wait for Jongdae to finish. It should only take a few minutes anyway, so Kyungsoo escapes from the cafeteria to go wait in front of Jongdae’s locker. He probably only waits for about ten minutes before Jongdae comes around the corner out get out his math textbook. He barely looks surprised to see Kyungsoo waiting for him.

“Hey, Soo, haven’t seen you all week.” Jongdae’s greeting is cheerful and sincere even if Kyungsoo blushes in embarrassment at the implication.

“Yeah, trying to respect Baekhyun’s wishes as much as possible.” Kyungsoo might as well be honest here since it seems the entire group knows. 

“Yeah, that’s good. Baekhyun doesn’t need a lot of space, but when he needs it, he really needs it.” Jongdae doesn’t seem hostile in anyway, but Kyungsoo’s still a little wary. He did, after all, upset Jongdae’s best friends. Things should be a little weird, but Jongdae’s acting like nothing’s wrong.

“I get that. I wanted to talk to you about something, if that’s okay.” The transition is jagged and abrupt, but Kyungsoo’s accepted that there’s no smooth, suave way to tell someone you have anxiety. And despite how many times he’s done this now, he wants to get it over with. If he takes too long to tell Jongdae, he’ll work himself up. He’s done this enough times now to know this has to be quick.

“Yeah, go for it.” To show that he’s ready to listen to what Kyungsoo has to say, he closes his locker and turns to face Kyungsoo. He’s looking directly into Kyungsoo’s eyes, which makes Kyungsoo falter and blush under the attention. It’s too much. He can feel prickles in his heart. He quickly moves his own gaze to a spot above Jongdae’s head.

“I have anxiety. Really bad anxiety that makes it impossible for me to talk in class.” Kyungsoo wants to say more. Explain why his anxiety’s really bad and not just general nerves, but he’s afraid if he talks too much he’ll cry.

“Ah yeah, Baekhyun told me. That really sucks, man. I’m sorry. If I can do anything at all, let me know.”

Kyungsoo drops his eyes to Jongdae’s face for a second before going back to look at the spot. Jongdae’s still staring at him too intensely, but his gaze is softer. He’s gazing so tenderly at Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo can’t take it. His eyes glaze over with tears. This kind of affection, because that’s what it is, is too much for Kyungsoo, who has spent so much time hating himself for his anxiety. For someone to learn he has anxiety and be so kind and tender is too much.

“I’m really sorry for upsetting Baekhyun,” is what he blurts out and then immediately wishes he hadn’t. He just needed Jongdae to stop looking at him like that, so he blurted out the first thing he thought of.

Jongdae scoffs and reopens his locker to get his stuff. The tender look is gone. “He’s not upset. He’s just shocked. I told you guys that you should have let him know from the very beginning. He’s a strong guy, he would have gotten over it.”

“We thought it was the right thing.”

 Jongdae shakes his head. Kyungsoo sees his jaw clench. He’s clearly frustrated. “But that’s the thing. You thought it was the right thing because it was the nice thing. The kind thing would have been to tell Baekhyun the moment Jongin set his sights on you. Instead you let him continue to fantasize that he had a chance. I continued to let him think he had a chance.”

"You only did it because we made you."

Jongdae leans against his locker door with a sigh. “That's not true. I could have told him at any time that Jongin was into you, but I didn't. Baekhyun's been my best friend for years. I should have known to tell him regardless. And he should have known. Jongin said he wasn't interested, but he still held onto hope. That idiot.”

"It's not your fault.” Kyungsoo doesn't want to know what to do right now. He's here, physically, in front of Jongdae holding a conversation, but Jongdae is somewhere far, far, away.

“But it is. Because I knew from the very beginning. I gave Jongin your phone number. I saw how he was when he got it. Baekhyun had absolutely no hope of winning Jongin. Jongin already liked you. I knew from the very beginning, and yet, I still did nothing.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to try and console Jongdae, but Jongdae keeps speaking. “I always wanted to protect him, and I failed this time. How ironic. The one time I could’ve done something, and I didn’t.”

Jongdae goes silent, and Kyungsoo doesn’t interrupt this time. He doesn’t know what he could say. Suddenly, so suddenly that Kyungsoo starts, Jongdae looks up at him. “But that’s okay because I’ll protect him next time. Because he’ll get over it. Baekhyun's a good friend, Kyungsoo. I need you to know that Baekhyun is a good friend." 

There’s a fierce look of determination in Jongdae’s eyes, but Kyungsoo also sees the sheen of unshed tears in Jongdae’s eyes. There's something about Baekhyun that makes Jongdae ache. And perhaps it's this knowledge that's more convincing than anything that's been said because Kyungsoo nods, and says with the same convinction as Jongdae, "Yeah, I know."


	57. Week 10, Clip 3

_Tuesday, June 4 th, 2019_

_There’s been so much talking with other people lately. It’s never just myself resolving something. It’s always with someone else, and this mainly applies to this whole Baekhyun situation. But Minho too. I didn’t realize a lot of things about myself until I started seeing Minho. And I’m not quite sure where I want to go with that, but I think I want to make the claim that self-knowledge is paradoxical because it’s never really just our self. We always need someone else to learn about ourselves and I don’t really know what that says about the concept of the self._

 

Kyungsoo’s decided and he feels guilty for it, but he’s going to feel guilty for it either way. Might as well ignore the feeling since it’s going to happen either way. But even with the guilt, there’s a soaring happiness in him that makes him eager to find Jongin right now even thought they’re in school currently. There’s a part of him that doesn’t care, but there’s a part of him that would be absolutely mortified to be seen being affectionate with Jongin in anyway in front of the student body. The compromise he decides upon, then, is to stand 20 feet away from where Jongin’s hanging out with his friends and just stare at him. The problem with this plane is that it’s passive and Kyungsoo’s feeling very active right now. He’s jittery, which has him rocking back and forth as he stares at Jongin, who still hasn’t noticed him.

The option to text Jongin only briefly passes through Kyungsoo’s mind before he rejects it. It doesn’t seem special enough. Kyungsoo wants Jongin to see him across the hall and just read Kyungsoo’s answer on his face and then just watch as his gorgeous smile grows on his face. That’s what Kyungsoo wants. It’s completely irrational, but Kyungsoo’s feeling dramatic. And so he waits to the side, still staring.

Sehun notices him first and Kyungsoo watches as he subtly nudges Jongin and nod in his direction. And then Jongin’s eyes are on him again for the first time in what feels like forever, and Kyungsoo remembers what he’s going to do and he can’t help but smile excitedly. He can barely stifle the giggles that try to work their way past his mouth. He’s so happy. The guilt he felt earlier has been completely swallowed.

The fantasy that Kyungsoo had dreamt about, comes trues in part. Jongin smiles back, purely obligatory at first and then it becomes more and more real until he’s smiling just as excitedly and happily as Kyungsoo. He nods farewell to his friends and makes his way over to Kyungsoo. The closer he gets to Kyungsoo, the more Kyungsoo itches with the urge to touch Jongin. He wants to hug or kiss or hold or something! He wants to touch Jongin to show him.

Finally, Jongin is right in front of Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo can’t help but reach for one of Jongin’s hands. He holds it in both of his own and rubs his thumbs across the back of it. It’s simultaneously too much and not enough. His heart feels like it’s about to burst out of his chest. He wants more. All that Jongin is willing to give him.

“Can I talk to you in private?”

“Yeah,” Jongin sounds breathless. “There’s an art classroom down the hall that’s not in use. We can go there.”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo follows after Jongin, close enough that their shoulders rub against each other with each step. He’s not brave enough to hold Jongin’s hand in the hallway, but the need to touch is still strong.

The classroom, as promised, is empty. Jongin closes the door behind him slowly, waits till he hears the click, and then turns around slowly. Kyungsoo forces himself to stand still while he watches this ritual. Jongin’s pace is so controlled that it can’t be natural. He’s stalling, and Kyungsoo feels ready to burst with impatience. But finally, there’s nothing more Jongin can do to stall, and so he faces Kyungsoo, a little more wary than he was in the hall.

Kyungsoo grips the edge of the table behind him. It’s his turn now, and he knows what he’s going to say and he knows that he has to say it so that he can be understood. He wrote it out last night, but looking at Jongin, he forgets what he wants to say.

“I love you,” is what comes out instead, and he bites his tongues. That’s not even close to what he was supposed to say, and there’s a part of him that wants to take it back. He won’t though because he thinks it’s right. It feels right, and he might be too young, too inexperienced to know what real love is, but now, in this moment, it feels right. Jongin makes him feel warm.

Jongin’s face is one of pure shock and Kyungsoo, a little afraid as to how Jongin will reply, barrels on through the rest of his speech. “And I want to be with you. I don’t want to break up with you. I want to be your boyfriend. And I know you didn’t like that I was letting other people’s opinions decide things in our relationship. I don’t like that either. I realize that now, but you should know that part of my decision is because I believe Baekhyun will get over it and eventually come to support it. So, if you still want me, I would like to continue being with you.” Kyungsoo swallows thickly when he’s done. That didn’t go at all how he thought it would. That wasn’t the speech he had written and practiced. He covered the key points sure, but it sounded like complete blabber. And now it’s silent.

Jongin walks across to him slowly, the same measured pace as when he was closing the door, and stops in front of him. Kyungsoo doesn’t reach out to him. Just looks up onto his face.

“I told you that I wouldn’t be the one to break up with you, and I meant that. I want to be with you too, and I think it’s for the same reason. I love you, Kyungsoo, and um, maybe it’s too quick, but I think that's okay. So there was never really a question if I would still want you. I think I’ll always want you.” Jongin steps forward and reaches out to cradle Kyungsoo’s face. And the moment’s supposed to be slow to commemorate these feelings that they’ve just shared with each other, but Kyungsoo’s too happy to go slow.

He pulls Jongin closer so that he can wrap his arms around his shoulder and leans forward to kiss him. This kiss is different from any of the others they’ve shared so far before. It’s lighter and freer. No more reservations, just pure want.

Jongin settles his hands on Kyungsoo’s waist and pushes closer against him. The edge of table digs into Kyungsoo’s back, but he can't bring himself to care when he has the boy that he loves in his arms.


	58. Week 10, Clip 4

_Wednesday, June 5 th, 2019_

_I think I don’t fully give myself enough credit for choosing to go to therapy sometimes. In the moment, when Ryeowook was telling me about his cousin who’s a therapist, I was just so miserable, I was willing to try anything. Seeing Minho was looking for a quick fix. I wanted to be fixed. It was all about how I was a problem. I was a problem to my parents, and my classmates, and even my friends because I couldn’t do things because I was too scared, too stupid, too much of a failure. I think I have enough insight to know that there’s a problem, but I’m not it._

“Taemin talks about you a lot,” Minho says after another EMDR session when Kyungsoo’s groggy from coming up. He’s got tears drying on his cheeks, and snot crusting under his nose. The memory they focused on was his first anxiety attack. The moment Kyungsoo considers as things starting to go wrong. He can’t believe it still evokes such a visceral reaction. It’s not his first time doing that memory.

“What?” Kyungsoo’s floating right now, so everything’s a bit bleary. 

“Taemin, the blue-haired boy, who comes in after you. He’s always talked about you, but he’s been talking about you more. It seems you two have recently become friends.”

“Oh, yeah,” It’s a struggle to focus on anything right now. “His brother and I go to the same school.  We found it out that day Taemin came late. Then we all started hanging out. And, uh, now I’m dating, his brother, so I think I’ll be seeing him a lot more.” Kyungsoo’s very conscious of the fact that if he were more focused, he would not have admitted to dating Jongin. 

“Oh, I knew Taemin went to Seoul Prep, but I never made the connection. Well, that’s good. He was so excited when he finally knew who you were. You’re an inspiration to him. He’s started doing his exercises more because he thinks you’re doing them too.”

“What?” Minho’s words are starting to cut through the fog in Kyungsoo’s brain only to reveal confusion.

“Yes, he’s very much of the mind that if Kyungsoo can do it, I can do it too.”

“I only recently started doing my exercises consistently.”

“Yes, but he doesn’t know that. I believe that since you don’t have any physical marking, Taemin believes you’re doing well.”

Hmmm, Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to think of that. He was of the mind that since Taemin scratched his hands, and seemed cheerful regardless that it was he who was making a big deal out of nothing. He only cried.

“Of course, Taemin doesn’t understand that there are many manifestations of anxiety, and that each is painful to the recipient in a different way. You know that too, right Kyungsoo? That just because you have a different reaction, your anxiety is in no way less serious?”

Kyungsoo knows a leading question when he hears one, and he knows that Minho’s fond of them. He doesn’t like this one though. He knows he’s got it bad. He knows that merely by the fact that he can’t talk when others can. How he still cries over memories and by saying the words “I can’t talk”. It’s bad, but at the end of the day, there’s no evidence that he’s hurting. There’s no healing scratches or bandaids or depleting pill bottles. There’s nothing. So yeah, Kyungsoo’s got it bad, but not _bad._

“I know it’s serious, but sometimes it feels like it’s not. I just cry and when I see someone like Ryeowook or Taemin, people who have actual physical evidence of something going wrong, it feels like I’m faking. And, I, uhh, I’ve always felt like that.  And it’s less now than earlier, when every time I had an anxiety attack, I’d get angry at myself because in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal, other people have worse problems. And now I know that’s not a helpful chain of thought and have ways to redirect it. But still, there are times when I still get that feeling of “what if I’m faking”, you know?”

Minho’s quiet as he thinks, methodically tapping the end of his pen on his legal pad. Kyungsoo finds himself getting lulled by the sound of it. He sinks back into the chair, and waits. Minho will talk when he knows what he wants to say.

“That feeling will never go away, and that comes from a lot of different aspects, one of them being the need to always compare ourselves with other people. And just like anxiety, since it won’t go away, it needs to be managed. The techniques we’ve practiced are also helpful in this situation. And the reason for that is because the techniques bring you into the present moment out of your mind, but they also bring you back into you and just you. 

“Early on, when we met, you had the bad habit of sinking so far into yourself that it seemed like you were all alone, and that pressed you into a deep cycle of depression and misery. That’s when I told you to focus on thinking of everyone with thoughts along the lines of ‘I’m not the only one thinking this way’ and ‘there are a lot of people who feel this way’. Stuff like that, and you said it worked. That it was easier to get out of your own self-spiral if you thought like that. Now, you’ve gone too far in the other direction: thinking of everyone and thinking little of yourself. There’s a fine line, Kyungsoo. It’s good to think of other people so you don’t get so stuck in yourself that there’s no way out, but it’s not good to diminish yourself as a person with troubles by thinking of the plights of others. So this week, when you find yourself asking whether or not you're faking it, I want you to take a minute to reassure yourself by noting the thought and then heart breathing through it. You have anxiety and it troubles you. That's all that matters. Not that someone else's manifestation seems worse. But that you have anxiety and it troubles you.  You’ve worked too hard to belittle yourself like this.”


	59. Week 10, Text Message

_Thursday, June 6th, 2019_

_I've thought about it a lot, and I think I want to major in journalism in college. I don't how I'm going to tell my parents._

__


	60. Week 10, Clip 5

_Thursday, June 6 th, 2019_

_There are two more days until I get let out of school for summer and then when I come back, I’ll be a 4 th year. I want there to be some kind of last huzzah moment. I haven’t talked in class all semester and even if I say only one thing in seminar, I would’ve have said something. And I know I’ve made progress with my anxiety since going to therapy. Minho’s sure to remind me of that. But it would be something if I could speak in class. It would really be something._

Kyungsoo’s sitting next to Jongin in the courtyard. They’re not touching because that would be too much for Kyungsoo, who’s not exactly ready to announce to the world that he’s in love. But they are well within each other’s personal space. Jongin spreads his legs a little wider, which knocks his knee gently into Kyungsoo’s. He doesn’t move it away.

“Have you ever thought about getting another cat?” Jongin asks, out of the blue. Up until now they hadn’t been talking, just sitting next to each other, basking. It’s a lovely sort of torture for Kyungsoo who still has the urge to touch.

“Another cat?” Kyungsoo replies stupidly, unthinkingly, before remembering Quasar the fake black cat who died. “Uh, probably not until college or after college. I don’t think I have enough time to take care of another cat.” 

“Hmm, that’s sad. I was hoping I could come over and visit him next year while I’m away.” Jongin’s tone is either teasing or flirtatious. Kyungsoo can’t really tell the difference between the two, but he’s going to go out on a limb that since they’re dating, it’s meant to be flirtatious.

“Too bad, I guess you’ll have to come over just to see me next year while you’re away.” Kyungsoo tries to keep a straight face, but the corners of his lips can’t help but curl upwards.

Jongin takes a dramatic, laborious sigh, “I guess I’ll have to make do.” He moves his hand over and interlocks his fingers with Kyungsoo’s. “Is this okay?”

“It’s perfect,” Kyungsoo replies automatically. If he were to actually think it over, he’d come to the same conclusion. It is perfect, but he can see Baekhyun coming over to him, so he’s a bit distracted.

“Hey, Baekhyun’s coming over, and I’m supposed to be meeting him today. So you need to leave.” Kyungsoo can’t take his eyes off of Baekhyun. He’s trying to see if Baekhyun’s face betrays whether or not they’ll still be friends at the end of this speech. But Baekhyun’s face is jus tired. That’s all Kyungsoo can tell. Baekhyun’s tired, probably exhausted.

“Okay, I’ll text you tonight. Tell me how it goes,” Jongin says before leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to Kyungsoo’s temple. Kyungsoo watches in slow horror as Baekhyun’s eyes flick up to Jongin and watches the kiss take place. Kyungsoo doesn’t even feel the kiss because he’s so focused on any expression that might overcome Baekhyun's tired demeanor. But Baekhyun doesn’t even seem to blink in surprise at this blatant physical affection. The blatant evidence that Kyungsoo’s still dating Jongin.

The transition between Jongin leaving and Baekhyun coming within speaking distance is seamless. Jongin doesn’t even look at Baekhyun as he comes up, and neither does Baekhyun look at him. But Kyungsoo’s very aware of Jongin’s presence because he doesn’t speak until Jongin’s well out of earshot.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo croaks. He blanches at the sound of his own voice and quickly clears his throat. He’s not sure how much it helps. His tongue still feels swollen and dry. He’s more nervous than he thought. He can feel it in his heart. But that’s better than being numb to the nerves, which would be problematic. So he swallows again, and the action makes him feel a bit better. “Do you want to sit down?” He gestures to where Jongin was sitting on the bench. Baekhyun only nods, and goes to sit down on the other side of Kyungsoo, the spot where Jongin wasn’t sitting. He sits closely to Kyungsoo so that their sides are touching. And that’s enough to slow the jackhammer in Kyungsoo’s heart.

“I missed you this week,” is what Baekhyun starts out with, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he should talk yet to return the sentiment. He also missed Baekhyun this week, didn’t realize how much he would miss the little loudmouth. There were times he missed Jongin, but there were also times he would see Baekhyun laughing with other people, and that would cause a bittersweet ache in his heart. He was glad Baekhyun was still laughing, that he hadn’t completely ruined anything. But he wished he were there with him because Baekhyun’s laugh was infectious and loud. When he laughed the whole school knew it. But Kyungsoo doesn’t think this is the time to say that, so he doesn’t.

“And I did a lot of thinking, which, I know, ‘Baekhyun thinking? What kind of weird world is this?’” Baekhyun laughs at himself, but it comes off slightly bitter. “But I did, and I think I realized that I wasn’t upset about you dating Jongin, well, at least not completely. I was upset that you didn’t tell me and you thought that you had to keep it from me. But I thought through both of those too. And I know that for the first reason, it’s a bit unfair of me to be upset about that because I knew well before you two began dating that you would end up dating.”

“What?” The question slips out of Kyungsoo before he can stop it. Is he talking about the DMs from earlier this semester? Baekhyun hadn’t seem very convinced when they showed him them the first time.

“At Sehun’s birthday party, I tried to talk to Jongin to try and get together with him again, but he only wanted to talk about you. And so we talked about you for the better part of an hour, and he was smiling the whole time. Not that seductive smile either, it was genuinely happy, and that’s when I knew that I didn’t have a chance. In fact, I tried to see if you felt the same way about him, but it was hard to tell with you. You’ve always kept your cards close to your chest, so I wasn’t surprised that I couldn’t get anything out of you.”

“Oh.” That explains those weird non-sequitur questions Baekhyun asked. Kyungsoo can’t believe he didn’t make the connection. It seems kind of obvious now.

“Yeah, so I knew, and when you told me so much later that you were dating, I think I had almost forgotten about it all. So I was really surprised. But I knew, and so any bad feelings I had toward you guys actually dating quickly went away because I knew.” Baekhyun trails off into silence. He’s not looking at Kyungsoo. He’s looking at his feet, so Kyungsoo’s free to scrutinize him as much as he pleases. Baekhyun’s wearing his leather jacket even though it’s hot and humidity is 53%. He’s tired, but not sad. Kyungsoo can see that know. He might even be contemplative, but Kyungsoo knows that look in Baekhyun’s eye. He's had it himself multiple times, probably even encouraged it at points. It’s an unfocused and blank stare.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo’s fine to speak now because he’s worried about Baekhyun. “Are you okay?”

Baekhyun starts nodding before Kyungsoo’s even got the question out. “Yeah, I’m fine. Things are just difficult at home right now. And I didn’t sleep well last night.”

Kyungsoo wants to press, but Baekhyun kept his answer vague for a reason. Kyungsoo’s done the same thing many times before, so he doesn’t push.

“I’m sorry you felt that you had to keep this information from me. This extends to the entire group. I know I was pushy about Jongin from the get-go, and everything I did revolved around him.”

“Baekhyun, don’t apologi—” 

“No,” Baekhyun’s brow furrows. “No, I want to apologize. I made things difficult for all of us because of my obsession with Jongin. And anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that I’m glad you’re with Jongin still. I thought for sure you would break up with him even though I told you not too.”

“Uh, I didn’t break up with him, but we did stop talking for a few days, because I felt bad about the whole thing. We only made up completely two days ago.”

“Well, that’s good. I would have felt terrible if it were because of me. I’m still your friend, Kyungsoo. There was never any doubt there. I was always going to be your friend.” Baekhyun looks over at him for the first time since he’s sat down, and smiles tentatively.

Kyungsoo shrugs, feeling awkward about everything. “Yeah, well, I was kind of thickheaded about it. It took me some time to realize that. But just so I can be completely clear on the whole thing, you don’t mind that I’m dating Jongin?” 

“Not at all. I’ve set my sights on someone new. Jongin’s old news anyways. He’s only going to be popular for one more day anyway.”

Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows. The heavy atmosphere dissipates with the action. “Really, who’s the new guy?”

Baekhyun nods mock seriously to himself, “Well, I’ve done my research and the most popular kid next year should be Chanyeol, so starting from today, I will be trying for Chanyeol. I will be popular by association, Kyungsoo.”

“I thought this party we’re throwing on Saturday was supposed to make us the popular ones,” Kyungsoo’s teasing, and it feels great to be able to make jokes with Baekhyun again. He hasn’t felt this light in ages. Everything’s going right.

Baekhyun shakes his head with exaggerated slowness, “This is why you’ll never be popular, Kyung. You’ve got to cover all of your bases.” There's silence for a second and then Baekhyun claps his hands excitedly. “Ooo, I made a baseball reference. I know how baseball works!”


	61. Week 10, Clip 6

_Friday, June 7 th, 2019_

_Seulgi and Moonbyul live 3 blocks down from me, but Moonbyul works in the shitty coffee shop below our building. Or she used to. Now she works in an office. Moonbyul radiates Mom energy and the moment she saw me she tried to coddle me. The next time I came in, Seulgi was there and she sat down at my table with me and talked to me. Shortly after that, Ryeowook who only visited my apartment occasionally, started visiting everyday. I should have known those 3 worked in conjunction. They’ve been watching out for me from the very beginning._

Kyungsoo sits in his last seminar, listening to people talk around, silent as always. He can’t feel anything. His brain is terrifyingly blank even though he thinks he’s decently following the conversation. They’re talking about a pamphlet written by a German-born Korean philosopher. The pamphlet even now escapes a good majority of Kyungsoo’s understanding, but the rest of his classmates have the same struggle. Kyungsoo has vague ideas of the parts he thinks he understands. He wrote his report for this pamphlet and turned it in at the beginning of class. Whether or not they’re right is not the point. Kyungsoo’s thought about the pamphlet and shown that he’s thought about it, so there’s really no need to talk. 

But he wants to. He wants to so bad.

This was the attitude at the beginning of class 45 minutes ago. The class is only 50 minutes. And the longer Kyungsoo went without a single thought, the more disheartened he became. Now he’s slumped back into his chair, only barely trying to pay attention. It looks like he’ll end his 3rd year having not talked.

The girl next to him starts talking and Kyungsoo internally groans. She's a babbler. She babbles incoherently for minutes on end, and they’re already at the end of class. He doesn’t want her to go over. He just wants to get out. He and the guys are going to get a pizza delivered to campus for their last lunch in school together, and he’s ready for it.

And then it happens. 

The girl says something and Kyungsoo’s brain helpfully supplies him with _I don’t think that’s right. It’s more among these lines._ And that’s interesting. Because that’s a thought. That’s a legitimate thought.  He, Do Kyungsoo, has had a thought, after eons of having a blank, numb brain. He should speak. He should speak, but his anxiety is all too aware now that he has a reason to speak. 

The heart reacts first and speeds up to triple time. It prickles like static and makes his way through out his body. There’s a faint buzzing in his head, but the prickling in his thighs drowns out most other sensations. He’s jittery because he wants to run, move, anything! He fidgets in his chair and rubs his thighs to see if he can disperse the prickling and buzzing in his legs.

The girl keeps babbling, and Kyungsoo’s just waiting for her to stop talking so he can insert his point. He doesn’t want to be rude and cut her off, so he waits, still rubbing his thighs, heart thudding in his chest. The girl pauses a lot in her monologue before continuing, and so Kyungsoo keeps waiting, feeling the words right there in his throat.

Finally, the girl’s done talking, and the table is silent. Kyungsoo tries to talk, but his brain’s buzzing has graduated into prickling that flares each time he thinks he's ready to talk, and he’s just so close to talking, he can almost override the anxiety to talk because he has a thought! Just one more second, just one more second, he can do it—

And then someone across the table talks, and they change the topic of conversation. Instantly all the activity in his body dies down, because Kyungsoo’s point in now obsolete. He won’t be saying it now, because it will derail the conversation. The anxiety knows it. Kyungsoo slouches back down in his chair, dejected, and tries to think through what happened. The class is almost over. It won’t hurt him to tune out the table conversation.

He got close. He got so close. He hasn’t had a thought at the table in months, so it’s an improvement. His brain isn’t shutting itself down into survival mode so completely now. Thoughts can escape through the cracks. And it’s got to be because of all the work he’s done with Minho. That’s the only thing that’s different. So he needs to work through the summer with Minho, and hopefully next year he can talk in class. He can't let himself get down because he didn't talk.

 _Today wasn’t a failure_. Kyungsoo repeats this thought over and over in his mind. _Today wasn’t a failure because something happened, and that’s good. Something happened, and that’s good._


	62. Week 10, Clip 7

_Saturday, June 8 th, 2019_

_Junior year is over and it was productive. That sounds so clinical, doesn’t it? It doesn’t really say anything about what I went through personally. But I don’t know how to describe it in a way that talks about the progress I made, but also talks about the struggle I had. I have a goal of talking, and I didn't do it, but I know I’ve made good steps in the right direction. For other people though, they don’t know the steps, only the end result which I haven’t achieved yet. I want people to know that I’m doing well despite not yet talking. Because I am doing well, and things are going to be alright._

 

Baekhyun, wildly enough, has somehow managed to book a bar for the party. When Kyungsoo works his way through the crowd, he hears the same sentiment. Everyone's impressed. They’re only 17, 18 at most. They shouldn’t be allowed in bars, and yet here they are, courtesy of Baekhyun. Baekhyun might be able to achieve his dreams of popularity after all.

The man in question is letting himself be bracketed by Chanyeol against the wall closest to the dance floor. People keep accidently bumping into Chanyeol, but Chanyeol just lets that be an opportunity to be pushed closer to Baekhyun. Kyungsoo ducks his head to laugh. No doubt Baekhyun led Chanyeol to that wall in particular. He really is covering all his bases.

Baekhyun waves at him when he passes by close enough. Kyungsoo wave back and tries to move on, not wanting to be sucked into a conversation where Chanyeol’s involved. But Baekhyun reaches out and pulls him in close, so he can whisper in his ear, “Hey, I forgot to tell you, but with Jongin, you’ll want to be prepared.”

“Huh?” Kyungsoo’s not sure if he misheard because the music’s so loud in this corner. “What did you say?”

“You’ll want to be prepared.”

“Prepared for what?”

“You know, prepared,” Baekhyun speaks really slowly as if he’s really stupid, which is a surprise since Baekhyun’s clearly been drinking and is the stupidest drunk Kyungsoo’s ever seen. But Baekhyun’ss got a knowing little smirk on his face, and that tells Kyungsoo more about what’s being said than the words themselves. He takes a step back and shakes his head.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“It’s just a warning.”

“I don’t want it.” Really, Kyungsoo doesn’t need it. Jongin had come over last night, and they went far enough that Kyungsoo doesn’t need Baekhyun telling him this. He wrinkles his nose and shakes his head again. If at all possible, he’d like to forget that Baekhyun and Jongin had sex. 

“Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Baekhyun turns back to Chanyeol, eyes positively glittering. Chanyeol leans down closer, a creepy wide smile on his face.  Kyungsoo turns away to continue working his way through the crowd. Baekhyun’s going to eat Chanyeol alive.

More people have come in, and for a bar that’s really just a long skinny rectangle with one end that’s only a slight bigger box, it’s not ideal. There’s little room left to move around. But Kyungsoo doesn’t let that stop him. He dreads the idea of being stuck in one spot unable to move, so he pushes through the crowd. He’s really looking for Minseok because he hasn’t seen him since the party started.

Jongdae falls into Kyungsoo, his arm firmly around the 2nd year girl. Their eyes are glassy as well. “Hey, hey, hey, it’s Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, this is—” Jongdae tries to introduce the girl, but a huge cheer from the crowd drowns out her name. Kyungsoo gets up on tiptoe to try and see what the cheer was for. It’s Ryeowook and Seulgi holding up a keg. He drops back down to continue talking with Jongdae and his girlfriend(?), but they’re gone. He looks around, but he can’t find them, and has no idea how they managed to escape through the ever-growing crowd. They really disappeared on him.

If they can escape through a crowd though, Kyungsoo can too. He starts pushing through the crowd a little more aggressively. It’s getting hot and sticky and his head is starting to buzz. He didn’t sleep well last night and he spent most of the day helping Baekhyun set up the party with the rest of the guys, so he’s a bit more susceptible that he usually is. He might have to bow out soon, but he’s determined to see his friends first.  And Jongin. He should definitely see Jongin before he leaves.

He runs into Yixing, who’s trying to get to the dance floor. Yixing collapses onto him. Not because he’s drunk, but because he can. Kyungsoo wraps his arms around him to keep him from falling. The rough material of Yixing’s jean jackets rubs almost abrasively against Kyungsoo’s arm during the movement.

“Kyungsoo, man. I’ve been looking for you. How are you? Scale of 1-10, how badly do you want to leave right now?” Yixing gets really close to his face and pushes their foreheads together before he gets really excited and tries to pull something from his front pocket. “I made an easy reference chart. It’s got faces that range from 'happy' to 'I am dying on the inside'. Please point to one.”

There are 10 colored in faces on a piece of printer paper and each face has a number below it. The one at 10 looks truly terrible, and while Kyungsoo knows exactly what that face feels like, that’s not where he is currently. He points to the 6, which shows a mildly discomforted face.

“I think I’m fine right now, but I’ll probably leave in an hour or so.” It’s an honest answer, something Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’d have given at the beginning of the semester. Most of that is because Yixing’s brought out a hand drawn chart and it’s really cute and nice of him, and Kyungsoo wants to make Yixing happy.

Yixing nods very seriously and puts the chart back in his pocket. “Okay, okay, so you like to do this thing where you leave and you don’t tell us you’ve left. You won’t be doing that tonight. You will text the groupchat when you leave. Otherwise I will come over to your house and never leave.”

“Yeah, no, of course. I will. I will. I promise.”

Yixing leans in so that their foreheads are touching again. “I’m not fucking around here, Kyung. Even if you and Jongin are in the middle of something, I’m coming.”

Kyungsoo takes a step back and shakes his head. Why are they all fixated on this tonight? “I will text you.”

“You better, you better,” Yixing claps him on the shoulder, “Okay, I promised Hyunsik I’d meet him on the dance floor. I’ll see you later. Don’t forget.”

“I won't,” Kyungsoo calls out, but Yixing has already flowed with the crowd to the dance floor. Kyungsoo keeps pushing his way through. He thinks he wants air. The air in here has become sweltering, and there are too many people for the A/C to be of any use.

 _Minseok! Minseok! Minseok!_ Kyungsoo mentally chants as he takes his seventh elbow to the stomach tonight. He knows it’s crowded but people need to have better control over their limbs. When an eighth elbow makes its way too closely to his stomach, Kyungsoo lightly swat it away with his hand, but it comes around his waist and pulls him back into another body.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Jongin says into his ear. Kyungsoo, who had been ready to throw his own elbows to get away, relaxes. Jongin brings his other arm down and around so that he’s backhugging Kyungsoo. “It’s getting really crowded. Do you want to head back to your place?” He plants a small kiss under Kyungsoo’s ear.

Kyungsoo smiles up at Jongin, “Yeah, just give me half an hour. I want to talk to Minseok before we leave, okay?”

“Okay, just text me when you’re ready. I’ll meet you at the entrance.” Jongin unwinds his arms from around Kyungsoo, and lets himself go with the crowd. Kyungsoo watches as he joins a group of 3rd years over by the wall. He turns around. _Minseok!_

Minseok’s close to the front of the bar. It’s underground, so when people climb down the stairs they go only forward, which leaves a small pocket of room hidden slightly by the stairs. Minseok’s flirting with some 2nd year in this pocket. It’s another tall gangly kid similar to Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo has the same thought he did when he saw Baekhyun. Minseok’s going to eat this kid alive.

Minseok, though, when he sees Kyungsoo steps away from the kid and towards Kyungsoo, arms reaching out for a hug which Kyungsoo gladly gives. Kyungsoo knows he’s not great at hugs. He squeezes too tight, but he doesn’t know how else to express his affection, which Minseok must know because he allows himself to be squeezed.

“I haven’t seen you since the party started. Is everything okay? Are you getting overloaded? Has someone set you off?” Minseok’s tone starts light and cheery, but he grows increasingly concerned when he asks his question. He looks around, ready to fight someone.

Kyungsoo pats the air. “No, no. I’m fine. I just wanted to see you before I leave. Jongin and I are going to go back to my place to hangout.”

“Ahh,” Minseok nods gleefully and winks, “I get you. “ 

“Nope, nope, please do not do what you are doing. We will not be doing what you're thinking.”

“Right, right, right, of course not.” Minseok nods much more soberly, but Kyungsoo knows it’s an act. Minseok doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. He’s just going to blow right past that.

“Anyway, I wanted to know if we’re still on for Monday for the waterpark?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll meet you at the bus stop at 9. But uh, the guys and I are coming to your baseball game tomorrow. It’s the last one of the spring season for you guys, right?”

Kyungsoo barely hides his surprise. He had only mentioned that game in passing. “Yeah, yeah. We’re playing tomorrow at 8 on field 4. You guys don’t have to come. It’s going to be really hot and sticky.”

Minseok rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I know we don’t have to, but it might surprise you to learn that we, as your friends, like to support you, our friend, in his endeavors. We’ll be there. Baekhyun already made a sign.”

“Ah, okay, thanks. I look forward to seeing you there.” Kyungsoo’s still awkward when it comes to these blatant shows of love form his friends, but for this too, he wants them to understand that he does appreciate it. And if the attempt to show it is always awkward, then so be it.

“And I too look forward to arriving at the baseball game to watch you, my dear comrade, Do Kyungsoo, play baseball,” Minseok mocks, but he’s grinning teasingly at Kyungsoo. He whacks Kyungsoo on the back in a show of comfort. “You know I love you. Anyway, I won’t keep you from lover boy any longer. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” Kyungsoo replies automatically, but then more consciously, “I love you too.”

Minseok hits him again. “Get out of here, you sap. Save it for Jongin.”

Kyungsoo grins at him one more time before curving his way around the railing and making his way upstairs. The first breath of sticky, summer air is refreshing, and Kyungsoo relishes his first few seconds alone, away from everyone else. He looks down the street to where the sun’s just barely peaking over the skyline. The air’s only just now beginning to cool down. Kyungsoo leans back against the railing and takes another deep breath.

It’s going to be a good summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. I really want to thank all of you who read it. I'm not really good with expressing how glad I am that you took the time to read this, so thank you.


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